by Shadou-sama
Disclaimer: I do not own beyblade.
To the fan shrine webmaster...
Webmaster,
I see you've made a web site about me. That's okay, I guess. But a Tyson/me site?! That's a sin against nature.
For one, I don't like him. Tyson eats too much, he sleeps all day, and he never wants to train. I am the exact opposite of that. This isn't a case where opposites attract. It's a case where he annoys the heck out of me. I admit, at the end of the World Championships in Russia I am sort of nice to him but only because he was my team's last shot for beating my grandfather. Him liking me… I don't want to know.
Second, Tyson likes girls. He likes Hilary in fact, even if he is too stupid to realize it. I'm too busy with my own life to deal with relationships. Besides, I go to an all boys' school, and all the other girls I meet are flaky and superficial. They always want to know what I feel, and what I'm thinking about. They want me to hold them, and kiss them, and tell them that they're the center of my whole fricking universe. A lot of the boys are like that too. I don't want that nor need that. And I definitely don't want to get involved with some little vixen that thinks she can brake my shell. It took me thirteen years to create my mental shields, one little girl isn't going to tear them down.
Now that we have that cleared up, I want you to print your web pages off and delete all your files (both on the net and on your computer or I'll send you a virus that'll delete them for you). Burn the hardcopies while dancing around it nude yelling Russian profanities.
Thank you for your cooperation,
Kai Hiwatari
To the fanfiction writer...
Shadow Night,
What have I told you to stop doing? Repeatedly, in fact. Tyson can get it through his thick skull faster than you can.
Stop including me in your little pairings. I can tolerate Shadra Bellona (but not that little cuddling scene, you'll still be punished for that), but not your one-sided shonen-ai. I come off like… a pervert and a creep. I'm sure Rei doesn't find it particularly amusing either.
No, wait, I changed my mind. Stop writing about me altogether! What will I do if you don't? Well, I'm rich and can afford lots of Harvard Law graduates to sue you for all you have. Kenny can whip up a devastating virus before you can even say 'McAfee'. I can personally visit your home and beat you to a bloody pulp with a length of chain.
For the sake of you life and livelihood, and my spare time, I suggest you stop cold turkey.
Kai Hiwatari
P.S. You can continue to write about the others. I don't care and they can't afford lawyers. They probably can't even read.
To the fan artist...
Dear Artist,
Your picture was the one good thing I found on the Internet today. Everybody else focuses on how I should be in love with Tyson, or with their OC, or with Rei. Or they say I'm a complete psychopath (they should look at Yu-Gi-Oh!, they're all mentally disturbed there). You, however, are original.
The blending of colors, the delicate use of shading… I never knew that art could speak to me like this (not being fruity like that Oliver kid). Nobody ever thinks of the subject matter as you do. Everybody concentrates on the not-so-likely result of the event. My victorious smirk and Tyson's surprised realization (but it really shouldn't be a surprise, I knew how it would end.)
I'd like a signed original of your artwork of me defeating Tyson in a beybattle. It's the only good thing about me that I like.
Thanks from your newly devoted fan,
Kai Hiwatari
The End
