What If...?
Summary: A set of separate pieces from each character in Eyes of Forest Green, reflecting on what could have happened if things had been different, or if they had made a different decision.
A/N: I was at the Christmas Eve service at my church, and I suddenly had an inspiration for this number. So I hope you enjoy this!
Gwen
I sat, cross-legged, on my narrow bed and stared out the arrow-slit window. Only an hour ago, I had been listening to Mother Evangeline make a small sermon about choices, and the effect of decisions on destiny. She had asked questions like, 'What if God had decided not to bring his only Son to earth through Mary? What if Jesus had decided not to shoulder the burden God offered him? What if God had decided not to sacrifice Jesus to save us from our sins?' Immediately after matins I had stolen away to my room, and taken my customary position for deep thought. I had made many decisions over the past months alone. Surely these decisions had made their mark on my fate.
What if I'd decided to stay in Rochdale after my mother's death three years ago? I might have been married- God perish the thought!- by now. I might have starved to death. I may have been arrested for stealing food.
What if I had decided to stay at Knighton Hall and continue to work for Sir Edward and Lady Marian instead of taking to the woods? I might have been advanced to head housekeeper within a couple years. I smiled at the thought- that would have been strangely ironic, considering the fact that I hated housework.
What if I had not chosen to remain with the gang? What if I had left them to return to my solitary life? I might have found another group of outlaws to join. I could have settled down somewhere. Or I could have been arrested and hanged, all alone in the world.
What if I had chosen to strike out on my own after returning from my walk that night to find the cave empty? I might have nursed a broken heart for ages, especially when the whole gang ended up hanged except me. For that moment, I was glad I had decided to blow up the mine and save the others. But wait... I wouldn't have had the fight with Allan. But that would only be because he'd be dead, along with John, Much, Robin, Djaq and Will...
Which brought my thoughts back to the carpenter. Why would this man never leave my thoughts alone? I could still remember, with a swooping feeling in my stomach, the feel of his lips on mine, at once insistent and gentle. Such things had happened before, of course. Back in Rochdale, I had had a beau or two. None of them had taken hold of my heart like Will had. Will gave me a feeling of being at once bold, brave, and courageous, as well as feminine, gentle, and beautiful. I had thought I felt deeply for the boys in Rochdale, and it had turned out to be nothing more than a good friendship. Why would it be any different with Will? I asked myself. It probably wasn't more than a fleeting flirtation, and in any case, he'll hate me now that I've been so horrid to him. I was saddened to find that this revelation brought on waves of regret.
What if I had disregarded the interruptions made by Allan and Much, and just reached up a little further and kissed Will? What then? We might have had longer than a half hour, in any case.
What if I hadn't let her temper get the better of me, and stayed with the gang? Talked out the problem with my brother instead of storming off like a hurt child? I might have, at that very moment, been sitting around the fire in the cave, or maybe stealing into the castle treasury. Or I could have been delivering 'donations', as Robin liked to call them, to poor, starving villagers.
But if I hadn't left, I wouldn't have been taken to the abbey. I would never have known Mother Evangeline, Sister Angeline, or Anwen the elderly, gentle cook. What's more, I wouldn't have learned the real strength that resided in my heart, mind, and soul; I would never have had the need to bring the orphans to Kirkley's. I wouldn't have made myself into a new person. The scarlet-cloaked savior of orphans and widows would never have been born inside me.
Perhaps Mother Evangeline was right. Or more than right. Perhaps choices did make a difference. But, I reflected, maybe it's better to let things happen as they will. Maybe it's best to let yourself be swept along by the current of life, because life has a funny way of throwing you just what you most need. Not always what you most want, but what you need.
