Three times she had the chance to tell Buffy she was in love with her. Three times she backed out and played it off as something else. Three fucking times that would have changed everything and she was too much of a coward to step up and say those words she longed to tell her.

Faith was fighting a losing battle with herself, fighting to keep her real feelings closely guarded and under the surface. She didn't show feelings of any sort to anyone and according to Buffy herself she never 'felt anything'. It wasn't true, none of it was. She felt plenty of things, but she kept them to herself out of fear one little slip would ruin everything she now had.

Tomorrow would be the day she'd forever lose her chance at telling Buffy how she really, truly felt. She'd never know after today if anything could have been, if they could have been more than friends. She had to laugh at herself for thinking the way she was. She felt like she was seventeen all over again, meeting Buffy for the first time in the dark alley behind the Bronze. The moment she'd laid her eyes on her, she knew. She'd fought it since then and it wasn't until six months ago when she finally let herself stop denying and accepting those strong, jittery lovelorn feelings she felt whenever she just thought about Buffy.

The feelings came to the surface once again on the day Buffy brought home her boyfriend of the month to meet everyone. Jacob was charming, tall dark and handsome. Faith didn't like him from the moment he'd stuck out his hand and smiled politely at her, telling her he was 'pleased to meet her'. She'd bit her tongue, wanting so much to tell him to fuck off. But he was different; even she saw that from that moment on. And she hated how jealous she felt every time Buffy would ditch her on patrol to go see him.

She hated how she'd never got the chance to just hang out with Buffy like they would before. She hated how jealous and bitter she'd be whenever she was alone. The one thing she hated the most was how Buffy would tell her she was in love with Jacob every chance she'd got. It made her sick to her stomach, sick with envy and disgust. She wondered sometimes if Buffy kept telling her those things for a reason other than just because she felt it. The day Buffy came to see her and told her Jacob had proposed has been by far one of the worst, most depressing days of her life.

And there'd been a lot of them.

Faith had no one to confide in. Nobody but herself and the voices in her head that seemed to do nothing but mock her every chance they got. She hated feeling this way, letting the jealousy burn her up from the inside out. If anything she should be happy that Buffy finally found someone that made her happy, that she loved and that she was going to spend the rest of her life with. She wasn't one to be jealous of something she knew she'd never have, yet there she was, sitting in her apartment alone with her thoughts that were threatening to drive her completely insane.

It didn't take her very long to think over those three times she had the chance to tell Buffy, to lay her feelings and her heart on the line. The first time was on Buffy's birthday, her twenty-seventh. Faith had come to her rescue, saving her from the pathetic 'surprise' party that was thrown at the last minute by her friends. They'd ended up going off and patrolling for most of the night, nothing out of the ordinary or exciting. But it was almost perfect in Faith's eyes. The banter, the not so subtle flirting, the way Buffy would laugh at her stupid jokes.

She only remembered pieces of that night, mostly the parts when Buffy would just look at her and smile for no particular reason. It was probably the first time she ever really allowed herself to look at Buffy with her feelings right there so close to the surface of her heart. For a split second that night, before they parted ways just minutes before the first rays of dawn trickled over the horizon, she caught a glint of something in Buffy's eyes, something she fooled herself into believing mirrored her own feelings.

She knew she should have told her then, in that moment, that she was in love with her. But she didn't and she let her walk away, presumably with a smile upon her face after a long and rather peaceful night.

The second time wasn't nearly a week after that night. Faith had joined Buffy and her friends for some drinks at a bar that had just opened in town. It was the night Buffy met Jacob, too. Faith had been off talking with Xander, her eyes never leaving Buffy's as she watched her mingle at the bar, surrounded by men. That image of a giggling, flirting Buffy made her feel nauseous and she'd fought the urge then to swoop in and pull her away. The first tastes of her jealousy had come that night when she saw Jacob lean down and whisper something into Buffy's ear that made her laugh in ways Faith never seen her laugh before.

They all left the bar together, Buffy walking next to her as she tried to keep from stumbling from the one too many drinks she'd had. She let Buffy link her arm through hers and she remembered the feeling of warmth, of lust, coursing through every cell and nerve in her body at such a simple gesture. The memory of it had burned itself in her brain and even just thinking of it, she could remember the way Buffy kept leaning into her, stopping every couple of paces to steady herself. The only other time they'd ever been so close was when they were sparring or fighting or as in the past, trying to kill one another.

Before Faith left that night, she made sure Buffy had safely gotten into bed. She took a few minutes just to look down at her and she really looked at her, cursing under her breath at being such a coward when it came to telling her how she felt. The undeniable feeling of everything about to change lingered there as she left Buffy's apartment and headed down the hallway to her own.

Her gut feeling had been right and she found out soon enough the changes that were coming. Buffy and Jacob started dating and it wasn't long before they had become inseparable. She'd never felt that way before in the past whenever Buffy started dating someone new. She'd never felt the sting of a broken heart until she heard Buffy talk about Jacob for hours on an end while they were out on patrol. But, as she always had in the past, she kept everything she was feeling bottled up deep inside and tried to get on with her life, one day at a time, one thought of Buffy after another at a time.

She had it bad. Really bad. She didn't know just how bad she had it until the months passed by quicker than a blink of an eye and her feelings for Buffy only intensified and settled into the big space in her heart she had reserved for her and only her so long ago.

The third time was just a month ago. They were having a meeting with Giles, about what Faith couldn't recall. All she could see was the glazed over look in Buffy's eyes as she sat perched on the arm of the couch next to Jacob and all she could hear was the deafening thump of her heart as it cracked into a million pieces with each beat. While Giles went off to get himself another cup of tea, that's when Buffy said the words that nearly broke Faith's heart completely.

She wanted her to be her maid of honour. A date had been set for the wedding and according to Buffy she was the one she wanted to fill that spot. Faith didn't know what to say or how to react to that. Without saying yes or no, she got up and went outside, smoking cigarette after cigarette as the tears burned in her eyes. She figured she was outside for nearly an hour before Buffy had come out to talk to her. When she looked at her, she couldn't fight back the tears and she almost told her right then and there.

And she should of. She held it in though, like she always had and shook it off and blamed the tears in her eyes on the smoke and left Buffy standing there speechless as she headed home as fast as she could without running.

She didn't know what was harder, trying to deal with her love for Buffy or trying to deal with the jealousy that seemed to control every emotion and every little reaction. She knew even if she fought her deep-rooted feelings, when it came to matters of the heart she wouldn't be able to push those feelings aside like she'd always done before. She was convinced that what she felt for Buffy was real, that she loved her more than anything or anyone else in the world and it'd take a great deal of time and a whole hell of a lot of alcohol to let them go. Eventually.

Faith knew she was fooling herself when she knew she had more than three chances to tell Buffy how she felt about her. Every day she had a chance, every time they went on patrol she had a chance, every waking second of every day she had the chance just to pick up the phone or go to Buffy's apartment and tell her. She had the chance to right now, knowing Buffy was just down the hall in her apartment most likely getting ready for her bachelorette party that would start in just under an hour.

"I'm just a fucking coward," she muttered under her breath as she sat up in her bed and took a swig of whiskey from the bottle she'd bought earlier that day. "Always gonna be a fucking coward when it comes to Buffy."

She was about to close her eyes and let the alcohol-induced sleep take over her body when she heard the faint knocking on her apartment door. The last thing she needed was for anyone to see the state she was in. Her eyes were red and raw from hours of crying and she was drunk out of her mind, yet not nearly enough for her to stop thinking about Buffy. When the knocking didn't stop, she pulled herself out of bed and managed to stumble a couple of times as she headed for the door.

"Who is it?" Faith asked as she tried to get her fingers to work the locks.

"It's me."

Faith's heart rose and fell when she heard Buffy's voice on the other side of the door. She took a deep breath and managed to steady herself long enough to get the door unlocked and she stumbled back as she flung it open. Buffy stood there, the smile on her face instantly fading when she looked at Faith and the state she was in.

"You've been drinking," she said flatly, pointing out the obvious as she walked into the apartment and closed the door behind her. "Have you been crying?"

"No."

"Did you forget about tonight?"

"No."

Buffy sighed as she shook her head and took a quick look around the apartment before her eyes fell back on Faith as she struggled to stay standing without swaying too much. "Can you stop lying to me, Faith?"

"Why? Who says I'm lying to you?"

"I know when you lie to me," she replied as she crossed her arms over her chest. "Don't ask me how, I just do. Now, what happened?"

"Nothing."

"Something happened. You never get this upset."

"Doesn't matter."

"Talk to me. Whatever you think doesn't matter does matter to me."

Faith knew she had another chance right then and there and yet she couldn't find it in her to form the words she so wanted to say. How hard could it be to say the words she'd never told anyone before? She must have been silent for a few minutes too long because before she could open her mouth to try and utter those words, Buffy shook her head and backed up to the door.

"Where are you going?"

"I have to get over to Willow's place for the party. If and when you sober up, you know where to find us."

"Buffy, wait."

"What?"

"I..."

"What, Faith?" Buffy asked, clearly annoyed with her. "Are you going to tell me what's going on or do I have to play twenty questions with you? I so don't have time for this tonight. Either sober up and come to the party or I'll see you tomorrow at the church."

Her heart was racing and the room around her became unstable as she struggled to breathe. It was now or never or forever regret never saying it at all. Her stomach lurched as she took a deep, shaky breath and looked at Buffy as the tears filled her eyes.

"I love you," she whispered softly, her eyes searching out Buffy's as Buffy looked down at the floor. "I'm in love with you, B."

"You're what?!"

"You heard me."

"Are you kidding me?" Buffy asked, laughing a little as she shook her head. "You tell me this now? The night before I am about to get married?"

Faith shrugged as she walked over to the couch and sat down. She quickly wiped away the tears that burned in her eyes as Buffy sat down on the opposite end of the couch. Faith felt overwhelmed and she knew she should have felt relieved to have finally said the words she'd wanted to say for what felt like forever, but she didn't. She felt anxious as she waited for Buffy to say something else, anything else.

"How long have you..."

"A long time. Forever probably."

"And you didn't tell me because?"

"Cos I didn't know how you'd react."

"Well," Buffy sighed and looked at her, looking slightly nervous as their eyes met. "I...I don't know what to say, Faith. I thought we were just friends."

"We are."

"But you feeling this way about me changes everything."

"Doesn't have to," she muttered as she struggled to keep herself together.

"But it does, Faith."

"I'm sorry."

"Why did you wait until now to tell me?" Buffy asked softly as she reached out for Faith's hand. "If you had told me this before..."

"Then what?"

"Then it'd be different."

"How?"

Faith needed to know even if she knew whatever Buffy was going to say to her would forever cause her to feel guilty about either telling her or waiting too long to tell her that she was in love with her.

"I can't do this," Buffy said as she pulled her hand away and stood up quickly. "I'm getting married tomorrow. I can't do this or talk about this now. It's wrong. It'll make me feel like I'm cheating on Jake."

It took her awhile to process what Buffy had said and by the time she did, Buffy had already left and she was once again sitting in her apartment and left to deal with her thoughts and emotions alone. If Buffy meant what she thought she did, she knew she had to pull herself together and find whatever bit of courage she had left in her to make Buffy see that marrying Jacob wasn't the right thing to do now. Especially not if Buffy did feel the same way.

Maybe it was just her jealousy talking, making her believe that if Buffy did feel the same way that she'd end things with Jacob and that she wouldn't marry him tomorrow. Or maybe it was her heart, just hoping it'd end up that way and that they'd have a chance to be together. Or maybe it was all just false hope and Buffy didn't mean whatever she thought she meant and didn't quite feel the same way as Faith felt about her.

She was no longer fighting the battle of keeping everything inside of her. She'd let it out and now she wished she hadn't. No matter what she did, what she thought, it was killing her softly, killing her slowly. Being in love with someone she'd never have a chance in hell with was breaking her apart and breaking her down, piece by piece, bit by bit. There was no way she'd be strong enough to deal with this even though she'd come this far already. She'd already been strong enough to hold it together all these years and tomorrow...well, she didn't want to know what would happen tomorrow or how she'd feel.

The tears wouldn't stop flowing as she stumbled back to her bed. She clutched the nearly empty bottle of whiskey as she fought to keep her emotions from getting to the best and to the worst of her. Drinking away her feelings wasn't going to help, it hadn't worked so far and it never would. She took one look at the bottle in her hand and threw it at the wall, watching as the bottle smashed and the liquor trickled down the bare white walls.

She had no idea how she'd turned into such a mess. This wasn't who she was. This wasn't the Faith everyone else knew either. She'd fix herself eventually. She had to. After tomorrow, nothing would be the same ever again.