I
guess happy endings really are only in fairy tales. Cinderella and
Sleeping Beauty got their princes because someone wrote out the picture.
They got to go to the ball because their fairy godmothers always came to the
rescue in the end. In fairy tales, love and happiness rule all, and the
evil Stepmother always gets her disastrous end. Too bad my life isn't a
fairy tale.
You
know, I never did like fairy tales anyway, at least, until I met you. You
were the picture of perfection in my mind, and probably every other girl at Hogwarts. You were the prince, the knight in shining
armor -- everything. And Angelina--she was your princess, your maiden in
distress. I was merely a bystander, who had to watch the perfect lovers
have the wedding, get married, etc. Depressing really on my part, but
hey, I'm used to that feeling.
And
even after all that pain and hurt, I still managed to love you. My
heart's so fucked up as to love a person I'll never truly have, but then again,
it's connected to my brain and it's even worse.
True
love is like a drug, like cocaine or marijuana. You start for whatever
reason -- heartbreak, suicide, curiosity, or just simple circumstance -- and
you can never stop. It's really that simple. Once you try it the
first time, you're addicted and it'll kill you in the end, too. At least,
my love is like a drug. As much as I try to get off of you, there's not a
patch in this world that'll work. Maybe it's because I damned to eternal
misery, I don't know. I don't even care anymore, either.
What
hurts more than anything else, more than the fairy tale image, more than
Angelina; hell, even more than the drug concept, is that sometimes I like
it. Sometimes I love it. It's funny really, because I was
never one to be sappy. I'm just not that kind of person. In a
movie, for example, there's always that character who everyone loves for the
sarcastic comedic relief, who doesn't seem like the marrying type, so they're
safe; who you watch because they're reckless, but you love that because you're
not the actual person going through it. I guess I'm that person,
really. It's something I fight with, sure, but whether or not I deal with
it doesn't change the fact that it's still true.
You
wouldn't understand that, though. You aren't that person, and that's
probably why I love you even more. You're, as I said before, perfect and
perfect people are most definitely NOT what I described just now. You're
the opposite of me, so I guess I like that. The saying that opposites
attract really works, but only for one side. So...is it, one opposite is
attracted? That doesn't sound as good, but at least it's more
realistic...right? Right.
I
saw George the other day. Well, okay, I see George everyday since we're
best friends, but I saw him yesterday too. I didn't tell him about my
feelings for you (I may be insane, but I am not an idiot), but I could tell
that he didn't want me to like you anyway. I don't have the best
reputation, to be perfectly honest. Okay, okay, I have the worst
reputation. It's not my fault though! Well, not entirely. I
can't tell you whose fault it is, but it can't be ALL mine...can it? I
didn't think so.
There's
really only one way to get over you: get addicted to something else. You
see, like drugs, love does tend to fade if you can't train yourself to get
addicted to something else. Sometimes things just get boring, so you need
to find something even more dangerous. So, I'm going to find something
that'll get my mind off of you. I just can't live like this
anymore. I've got enough on my plate besides love, and this whole fairy
tale fucking love isn't helping one bit. In fact, it's making everything
worse.
Life
would be so much easier if I knew you at least liked me, even for just five
minutes. Sure, it'd hurt like a bitch afterwards, but for those five
minutes I'd be happy. I know this sounds weird to you, since happiness is
a regular routine for you. However, for me, it's a dream that rarely
comes true. Half the reason why that is probably my fault, but I really
have no control of my life, or my actions.
Eventually,
though, I'll get over you. I have to, because my sanity—or lack thereof,
I suppose--really depends on it. Seeing you every single day at Quidditch practice, meals, or whatever, is just a constant
reminder of the fact that I'm doomed to just be your friend. Not even
that, really.
This
all sounds really pathetic, too, and it's beginning to piss me off. I'm
beginning to piss myself off. Why the hell do I have to be so goddamn
sappy? When did I get like this? Gah,
I've got to get a bloody life before I drive myself up the wall with all this
romance talk. It's annoying the hell out of me.
I was listening to the song My Immortal by Evanescence (I really like that word) and I found the likeness of the lyrics scared me.
"You used to captivate me
by your resonating life
now I'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts
my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away
all the sanity in me"
Maybe I'm just destined to that end. I don't mind it so much anymore, it just makes me wonder what my life would've been like had I not known you. A part of me is saddened deeply by that thought...but the other part...well, it's just confused.
I know that I'll let go of my love someday, though. I'll just wake up and everything will make absolutely no sense again. I'll get over you, Fred. I know I will. The only thing that scares me beyond anything else is that...will I be able to forget you?
