A.N: The sequel to "A Bit Too Bad"- finally! I've had this done forever but just kept forgetting to upload, sorry. TFTF should be getting back on track soon, just as soon as I figure out where I put the outline for it so I can write up the remaining chapters. Read and review!
Missing Pieces
Part 2 of 2 in the Reflections Arc
It was like the whole universe was missing pieces since she had left. How could he ever have been so mind-numbingly, blisteringly stupid? But he knew how, of course. Kikyo had been his first love, or so he had believed. He had been enamored by her; by her kindness, her beauty, her grace, by the very essence of her being so far out of reach. He knew he could never have her, and that made loving her safe, though he would never admit it. He had refined these qualities in his mind over time, and without her there to measure reality against fantasy, she had become more and more idyllic, more and more like Kagome. And, once Kagome came along, he hated her, loathed her for being so much like his lost love; and even more so, perhaps, for loving him in return, for being within his reach. Unconsciously, he had searched for a reason to hate her, one that meant he didn't have to admit the truth to anyone, even himself. He had found a whole list of reasons, too; she was weak, stubborn, bossy, hotheaded, loudmouthed, sentimental, explosively violent and bitingly sarcastic. He hated her because she was so similar to him, and she challenged him daily in a way that Kikyo, with her calm and quiet demeanor, simply never had.
Slowly, over the course of their journey, he knew that she had fallen in love with him. He also knew, although he never realized until too late, that somehow, somewhere along the way, he had started to love her too. And, for reasons incomprehensible even to him, this had made him hate her even more. He hated her for making him question himself, for replacing Kikyo, for being all spark and heat and fire when Kikyo was cool, calm rain, and he hated her most of all for making him compare them.
How dare she try to take his beloved's place? How dare she worm her way into his heart, with her silent determination and blazing persistence? How dare she not give up on him, no matter how many times he left her behind and returned broken? He never asked her to do so, he never asked her to care! He never actually granted her permission to enter his heart, to become his friend, to make him yearn for her warmth and her scent and her voice more than he had ever longed for Kikyo.
Of course, she had never really asked for his permission, had she? And in his pride, his reluctance to admit to a feeling as weak and pathetic as 'love', and his stubborn hold on his memories of Kikyo- warped and inaccurate though they may have been- he had driven her away. If his mind had turned Kikyo into Kagome, his actions were responsible for forcing Kagome to be Kikyo.
Her scent still haunts him. He smells it on the wind every night as he sleeps, chasing her fleeing figure through the endless forests of shadows and memories in his mind, every tree the God Tree, every sound her last labored breath. He calls after her, begging her to stop, to wait, to not leave him again, even as he chases her away.
But always she goes, and leaves him alone, just as he left her time after time until she had no choice but to leave. And perhaps, after all, it was not the universe that was missing a vital piece with her absence, but his heart.
