Author's Note: This is a plot bug that bit me and wouldn't let go until I wrote it down. I have the feeling it can go long, but I'm not sure (especially considering how short my time is nowadays when it comes to write). Wildly AU, so don't expect to see canon stuff coming in, other than the family stuff and some college-related stuff. I don't think Finn will show up, so Finchel fans please turn around and kindly leave. Other than that, feel free to review.
it's all coming back to me now
chapter one
When her wide, disbelieving eyes locked on the results of her home test, two wildly diverse emotions took over her racing heart.
One, quite obviously, was fear. She was 22, just starting her run on 'The Wizard of Oz' revival. It wasn't the right moment for this to happen to her. Her director, April Rhodes, had overlooked several famous actresses who would have gladly killed someone for the chance to play Dorothy, placing all her bets on Rachel Berry, a virtual stranger on the Broadway circles, with nothing to her resume other than her freshly received NYADA diploma.
The other, largely predominant one, was excitement. Yes, she was young. Sure, she would have to give up the role that would help her make her name. But there wasn't anyone in the world she would rather have a baby with than the man she was having a baby with.
Jesse St. James had been cast alongside Rachel and her best friends Kurt and Blaine. He was the Scarecrow, while Kurt was the Tin Man and Blaine the Cowardly Lion. When her dark eyes first met Jesse's clear blue ones, during the auditions, she felt a spark of… something… ignite deep within her, a something she hadn't felt before, ever.
Once she realized she had developed a crush on him, Rachel resigned herself to the fact that this crush would run its course the same way Rachel's few other crushes had done all her life. She would fall for him, and he wouldn't feel anything other than friendship for her.
So no one was more shocked than her when Jesse kissed her for the first time, during a cast night out celebrating the end of their first week of rehearsals. They were clearly the only two who were sober on their little group, and she was talking enthusiastically about her fathers' and her mother's excitement with the musical, when his soft, warm lips crashed against hers in a fiery lip-lock.
"Sorry", he told her breathlessly. "I've been wanting to do this since we first sang together".
"That's okay", she whispered, equally breathless, surprised to see that during the smooch her arms had found their way around his neck. "I've been wanting that too".
From then on they were inseparable. Because of April's and their producer's, William Schuester, stance against in-cast dating, their relationship obviously had to be kept a secret, a situation that deeply upset Rachel. She was as honest as they came, and she was so happy, so in love, she wanted to shout it out from the rooftops. However, Jesse managed to successfully convince her to hide their relationship just a little longer, and she agreed – quite hesitantly, but agreed.
Rachel's hand fell to her still-flat stomach. With this new twist of fate, their very carefully crafted plan of hiding their relationship until after their musical run finished its first month was definitely off the table. April and Will had a right to know their Dorothy would kick off her ruby slippers sooner than planned, and so did the cast.
But before telling them, Rachel had to tell the daddy-to-be. Fortunately, they had made plans to go out that evening since it was Saturday – and a quick glance at her wall clock sent Rachel scurrying to the bathroom, to eagerly get ready for her date.
Forty five minutes later, Rachel's intercom bussed and, after a last minute check of her appearance on the mirror, she pressed the button. "Yes?"
"Hi". The deep voice that came from the other side of the intercom sent a shiver of pleasure down her spine, staticky as it was. "It's me."
Rachel didn't answer, allowing him to get in her building. She frowned a little – usually, when they were going out, he would just tell her to come down, something that didn't happen now. Had he changed his mind about going out?
"All the better", she told herself as she fixed her appearance. She had chosen a white wool dress, paired up with black tights, black Uggs boots and black leather jacket. Her dark hair fell in loose, gentle waves down her shoulders, her skin glowing.
A small smile curved her lips as she remembered the reason for that glow, and it grew as she decided this was much better for what she had to tell him. A quiet night in was everything they needed for both to process the sudden shift in their lives.
However, when he arrived, Rachel's excitement gave way to concern. Jesse, who was as cool and collected as a cucumber, was clearly agitated, his dark curls disheveled, one of them rebelliously falling against his forehead. Taking his hand, she quickly led him to her small living room, sitting by his side on her old couch. "Jess, is everything okay?" She asked, worry in her voice.
He gave her a small smile. "Yeah, Rach. Everything is okay. Don't worry".
She saw he was struggling to keep his agitation on bay, and that made her increasingly worried. Her intuition kept telling her there was something wrong, and so she took his hands in hers, squeezing them gently. "You know you can tell me anything, don't you?"
A flash of something appeared in his face, and Rachel added confusion to her concern. Was it… guilt? Jesse took her hands in his and closed his eyes as he squeezed them, his shoulders dropping. "I know. Rachel… I have something to tell you".
She smiled at him, encouragingly. "You can tell me anything, Jess", she repeated.
He nodded but didn't say anything. They sat at the couch, their hands entwined together, Jesse deep in thoughts and Rachel just waiting for him to tell her whatever it was that he had to tell her.
"You know I love you, right?" He asked suddenly.
Rachel looked confused at him. "What kind of question is that, Jesse?"
"You know, right?" He insisted, his blue eyes filled with despair.
She squeezed his hands and smiled comfortingly. "I know. And I love you too".
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I'm engaged to someone else since I was eighteen".
Rachel blinked at him, owlishly. "Jesse…" She breathed. Her hands, inside his, were starting to shake. "Jesse, if that's a joke… It's not that funny".
He blew out a breath, eyes squeezed shut. "I'm so sorry, Rachel. I wish it was a joke".
She slowly tugged her hands free. "How could you?" She hissed, horrified. "So, all those times you kept pleading with me to keep us being together a secret… It was because you are engaged to someone else?"
He closed his eyes. "The way you say it, it sounds so horrible".
"That's because it is horrible!" Her voice was soft, which made it much more cutting. It also made Jesse feel much guiltier. If Rachel were screaming, he could handle it. She was as dramatic as he was, and her yelling was just that – Rachel being dramatic. But when she spoke like this, quiet and broken… He had never seen that side of her, and it terrified him.
"Rachel, please". He begged her. "I will break up with Andrea. I promise. I just need… a little more time to talk to her, to her parents, to my parents".
But I don't have time to give to you! She jumped up as she thought, panicked. Time was precious for Rachel, now that she was pregnant. She was tiny, and the changes brought to her body by the pregnancy would soon be visible. No, she didn't have time to give Jesse.
Turning her back to him and strolling towards the window, Rachel stayed quiet. Her mind was quickly processing all the options she had, weighing the pros and the cons. Her shattered heart kept thundering in her ears, and she took a deep, gulping breath. "Get out", she breathed out, eyes closed so the tears wouldn't start rolling.
Jesse blinked at her, shocked. Walking slowly to her, he held out his hand to touch her shoulder. "Rach-"
"Don't touch me. Just… Please, just leave". Her voice was tired and broken, and she suddenly felt older than her 22 years of age.
Feeling his heart break, Jesse silently nodded and quietly left Rachel's apartment. I'll just come back tomorrow, he thought as he left. Rachel will be calmer tomorrow, I'm sure.
But Rachel wouldn't be there the next morning. As Jesse left, she made a decision. Walking slowly to her bedroom, she picked up her phone and dialed a number. She felt her heart clench inside of her chest as the call tried to connect, and a small sob left her lips as the person she was calling picked it up.
"Hello?"
"I'm sorry to disturb your Saturday night, but can I come over? We really need to talk".
The next day, Jesse arrived bright and early at Rachel's apartment. Pressing at the intercom button, he frowned when no one picked up. Rachel didn't usually go out on Sundays, taking opportunity of the free day to run some errands she normally couldn't during the week. He pressed again, fear creeping up in his veins as she still wouldn't pick up.
However, the intercom crackled and buzzed, signaling someone had answered it. But it wasn't Rachel. "Who is this?"
Jesse began to feel the first stirs of jealousy deep inside his guts when the male voice answered the intercom. It wasn't usual for Rachel to have male guests in her house, other than her fathers, and that voice wasn't from either Hiram or Leroy. "I'm sorry, who are you?"
"You're ringing in, so…"
Jesse grew irritated at the smug voice. "Fuck off. Where's Rachel?"
There was silence, and then… "You must be Jesse".
"Where is Rachel?" Jesse demanded.
"She's gone".
An icy shiver ran unpleasantly down Jesse's back. "What do you mean she's gone?"
"She left. Moved out. Before you ask, I don't know where she is. Even if I knew, I wouldn't tell you. Have a good day". And the man hung up.
Jesse blinked, stunned at the bomb dropped on him by this faceless, nameless stranger. Rachel had left? No. No, it couldn't be. Maybe she was still there, maybe this man was just a friend of hers that she had sent to answer the intercom and send him away?
Determined to talk to Rachel, he pulled out his cell phone and pressed the number to which Rachel's number was attributed to in his speed-dial list. Pressing the iPhone against his ear, he heard the call trying to connect once-
-and then froze as a robotic voice told him the number he was trying to reach was disconnected and no long in service.
With panic fluttering in his stomach, he raced to the nearest subway station while trying to call April Rhodes.
"Hey, babe. What's up?" April's accented voice seemed cautious when she finally picked up the phone.
"I'm sorry to bother you this early, April, but have you heard from Rachel recently?" He asked anxiously, as he trotted down the staircase that led to the subway station.
April was silent for a long time, and then she sighed. "Yeah, babe, I heard from her. She called me last night". She fell silent again and, when she spoke again, her voice was deeply apologetic. "I'm deeply sorry, Jesse, but she quit".
Jesse froze in the middle of the staircase. "Quit? No… She wouldn't!"
"I'm really sorry, Jesse, really, I am, but she did. It's a good thing that you called. Tomorrow morning we start rehearsing with Sunshine as the new lead".
He gaped. "You're giving Sunshine the role?"
"It's only natural, babe. She is Rachel's understudy after all". April told him reasonably, and Jesse nodded dumbly. "You okay, kid?"
"No", Jesse said curtly, and hung up. It was clear Rachel had told April why she was quitting – after all, why would April apologize to him when she said Rachel had left?
The young man ran his hand through his now messy hair. What was he going to do now? Where could he go first to find Rachel?
He could try with her dads, surely, but Rachel was stubborn as a mule when she wanted to do something. If she didn't want to have anything to do with him (to the point where she had given up on something she had dreamed for years just to be away from him), then he didn't think there was anything he could do to find her.
He shook his head to clear it from pessimistic thoughts. No, he would find Rachel. She was somewhere and he would discover where. He just had to keep searching for her.
to be continued
