I just want to warn you that this one shot is full of silliness!

WARNING: serious risk of imbecilization, AU, vaguely slashy in the end maybe, OOCness if you think Kol doesn't fear anything at all - But I tend to believe everybody has a weakness, even the fiercest.

Please don't kill me!


The misfortune of Kol Mikaelson

The day had started beautifully at the Mikaelson house. Spring had arrived along with the first sunny days.

It was almost noon. Niklaus and Rebekah were enjoying the nice weather in the garden; Rebekah was chilling on a chair, sipping on a Tequila Sunrise while Niklaus painted. Elijah preferred the quietness of the library; he had never been an outdoor type anyway. Kol was still resting from his exhausting party of the previous night, as usual.

Everybody was very confident that today was going to be a very good day indeed.

That was until a terrible scream pierced through the bucolic serenity of the house and demolished the tranquility of its inhabitants. Rebekah choked on her cocktail and began to violently cough. Niklau's hand brutally twitched, making the brush it was holding trace an ugly green line across Caroline's pretty face, ruining it in an instant. He growled, ready to turn to shreds the impudent who had caused the premature death of his last masterpiece. Rebekah struggled to try and calm her poor mistreated muscles. Secluded in the library, Elijah's features momentarily froze, his brows raised in bewilderment.

The sound came from Kol's room and was soon followed by an anthology of extremely creative swear words heaped in the same melodious tone.

Elijah sighed dramatically and let go of his book on the social habits of rural Medieval China in the twelfth century. No, today would still not be his long awaited day off. He left the comfort of his chair and made his way to the hall, wary.

Kol's room door burst open on Kol screaming like a madman, dancing on a foot then the other.

Elijah's eyes widened. What the Hell?

"Kol?" he asked, concerned, "Are you okay?"

Kol stopped screaming and looked at his brother as if he had grown a second head, "No! No! No!" He started mumbling again, panic-stricken.

"What's wrong?" his older brother tried soothingly. Kol could be such a child sometimes...

"They're everywhere! Those little bitches!" he yelled, eyes shinning with evident terror, "My bedroom is invaded! My pretty little bedroom!"

"What was that for!" Niklaus intervened, full of fury, his brush still in hand.

Rebekah appeared behind him, short of breath, her face oddly flushed.

"ANTS!" Kol exploded, hyperventilating, "FUCKING ANTS ALL OVER MY ROOM!"

The three siblings froze. Elijah wanted to bang his head against a wall. Today was going to be appalling. Why, oh why, did have Kol to wake up?! They were doing perfectly fine with him knocked out!

Kol disappeared in his room and began to curse again. An angry thumping noise could be heard. Niklaus, Rebekah and Elijah exchanged worried looks and climbed the stairs to check on their frantic brother.

It was a well known fact that in spite of his ruthless and sadistic nature, Kol loathed insects, profoundly so. It was rather ironic, when you came to think of it.

They found him knelt on the floor, a very fancy shoe in hand, crushing hysterically every little black bug which entered his visual field, all the while calling them names.

Elijah felt a great fatigue waving over him. They were quite numerous, he reckoned. They were running on their tiny feet all over Kol's wooden floor in a desperate attempt at escaping their brutal fate. Kol's movement were harsh, very much so. He was using both vampire strength and speed, making the walls tremble and the floor crack.

"Kol," Niklaus warned, "Calm yourself, you're gonna break through the floorboard!"

"Don't fucking care!" Kol responded, punctuating each word with a blow, "You could help me instead of staring at me like idiots! Can't you see that I'm being INVADED!"

Niklaus sighed and left.

"How many times did I tell you not to let any food rot in your room?" Elijah admonished, raising an accusing finger on a nearby corpse.

"But I was going to bury that boy!" Kol whined, rushing to stomp on an ant that was trying to flee into the hall.

"Be careful Kol! Don't let them leave your room, I don't want any of those nasty things in mine!" Rebekah squeaked.

Elijah facepalmed.

"What do you think I'm trying to do, Rebekah!" Kol snapped, crushing another one with the shoe.

Niklaus came back with a bottle of chemical repellent in hand, "Use that, you silly!" he advised.

Kol took it in haste and looked at it, a bit confused; this kind of product did not exist back in his time.

Elijah looked at Niklaus, amazed, "You have bug repellent?!"

Niklaus shrugged, "With Kol back in the picture I thought it'd come in handy!"

Elijah nodded. Fair enough.

They turned their attention back on Kol whom had proceeded to flood the room with toxicity, keeping his finger on the pressure button while making big circles with it all around him. The air became soon stifling. The three others began to cough and agitate their hands in front of them in at attempt at shielding themselves from the poisonous fumes.

"Oh! Kol! Aim at the ants! Not us!" Rebekah complained while stomping on some ants that crossed her path.

"Enough! It's not a spray perfume!" Niklaus snapped, snatching the bottle away from Kol's hand.

The younger vampire looked ready to either throw a tantrum or burst in tears... His siblings could not tell yet.

"But they're not dead yet!" he whined looking at his bottle of repellent with puppy eyes.

The tears, it was then... Elijah sighed. What a terrible, terrible day. He proceeded to rub his temples.

"It needs time Kol for the product to work!" he softly said.

"I don't have time! I want them dead NOW!" the youngster exploded, taking his shoe again – which was Rebekah's Elijah realized – to resume smashing the survivors which were running in all directions, in a complete panic.

This was going to take a lot of time.

The three siblings left their brother waging his personal crusade, all the while whining, "Those little sluts! How dare they? No one invited them! My poor pretty little bedroom!" He squeaked and a loud thump resonated through the walls, "Oh! The cunt! Not my shirt, you bitch!" Another thump.

From his library, Elijah sighed and took a well deserved sip of his double whiskey. Fortunately it was ants, not spiders. The situation would have been altogether different with spiders involved. Rebekah turned the stereo on to cover Kol's outburst. Niklaus barricaded himself in the garden with a new set of brushes and canvas.

Two hours later, Kol sat on the edge of his bed, repellent in one hand, shoe in the other, ready to strike if need be. He also had the hoover nearby to clean the dark corpses from his immaculate floor.

"Kol," Elijah tried again, "Your breakfast!" he agitated the blood bag in front of his brother's wide eyes.

"Not hungry!" Kol replied distractingly.

He was moving his head from side to side, checking every inch of his room, anxious to spot another cheeky creature.

"Kol, they're gone. The product killed them!"

"I found one in my bed," Kol said, terror dripping from his voice, "In my bed, Elijah! With me! Naked!"

Elijah posed and looked at his brother calmly, "Kol, ants do not wear clothes!" How many times could a vampire be daggered without risking permanent brain damage?

"I was not talking about the ant, you idiot! I know full well ants don't wear clothes – except in that terrible movie I watched with Jeremy, Antz..." he shivered at the memory.

Elijah swallowed, seriously considering to call Meredith Fell for a much needed professional diagnosis.

Kol continued, "Whatever. I happen to have slept naked with a frigging ant on my pillow! God knows what it did to me while I was asleep!" he shivered again.

That was it! Elijah would call the human doctor so that she could perform the necessary medical exams, a MRI, a scanner, a blood work, an autopsy, anything that could explain his brother's paranoid delirium.

"Kol, it's a ant, not a grizzly!" he pinched his nose, "Besides you're a vampire, Kol! They can't hurt you!"

"They're tiny vicious, perverted bitches! They're disgusting!" he began to hyperventilate again.

Elijah jumped as Kol smashed Rebekah's Louboutin shoe on another one near the window, "Die bitch!" he snickered hysterically, smashing the shoe again, just in case. He then proceeded to apply a generous dose of repellent on the area – and cough. After that, he hoovered the remains of the deceased insect.

Satisfied, he sat back, in position, and waited for the next one to show up.

Elijah had never more wished to go isolate himself on a deserted island in the middle on the ocean than in this moment – or whenever Niklaus would kill someone just because.

It lasted all day long.

Eventually, at nightfall, Kol appeared in the living room, a suitcase in hand.

"Where are you going?" Rebekah asked with a frown.

"I refuse to sleep in a house invaded by monsters! I'm gonna sleep over at Jeremy's!"

"And Jeremy's going to be darn happy about it!" she mumbled.

Kol would not listen to her. He dashed out the cursed place and rushed to the Gilbert's.

When he explained to the human teenager why he had showed up at his doorstep at such a late hour, he could have sworn the boy did his best to prevent himself from bursting out of laughter.

"But, you're an Original vampire!" the boy simply said.

Kol growled, "That doesn't make me vermin friendly!" he pushed past the boy and stepped into the living room, ignoring a very wary Matt – the blond apparently still held a grudge against him for the hand episode, which was very childish as far as Kol was concerned.

"You're not even friendly, to begin with..." Jeremy mumbled.

Kol sighed, content. He was going to sleep wonderfully. He turned on his side and yawned. Jeremy was already sound asleep, as was Matt.

The house was quiet. Everybody was sleeping peacefully.

That was until a horrified scream startled the two human boys out of their slumber.

"What?" Jeremy mumbled sleepily and switched on his bedside lamp.

Kol had jumped out of the bed and was currently checking a spot on his suitcase. He opened it. A colony of black tiny creatures flooded out.

Kol felt dread engulfing him. His eyes widened.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"


I hope you're still alive! I happen to have woken up with an ant invasion this morning in my bedroom. I just hate those! And I'm glad to see that Kol share my phobia!