Absurdist Potter
Chapter One
Draco Malfoy was so ugly he made babies vomit. This was possibly a big impediment to his social life and future career in the World, but luckily in this rare case, his personality and intellect matched his looks perfectly.
"Hey, Draco" giggled Avery, waving his wand about drunkenly (Avery drank six pints of firewhiskey each morning before breakfast), "wanna see a new spell I made up?"
"Umm…Okay." Draco toddled over to Avery ('toddled' is a funny word), slightly curious despite himself. Five seconds later, Draco found one of his eyes gouged out of its socket by a thoroughly delighted Avery's magic twig.
"GRAOOUAROOOUWGH!" Draco roared, "You poked my eye out, you bastard!"
"Wow, I'm humbled by your grasp of the obvious, Draco" Avery replied, pirouetting like a circus clown on crack out of the room. Draco, meanwhile, had dropped on the floor to writhe in agony like the pathetic sod he was.
"That bastard!" he grimaced, especially bitter since that eye had always been his favourite. Just then, Lucious Malfoy entered, looking impressively cool despite his stupidity.
"Draco" he reprimanded, "tut tut. Come on now, it's your first day back to school. Hurry up or you'll miss the Hogwarts Express."
And with that, Draco's father swept dramatically from the room, leaving his son to get on with his life and stop whining.
