Once upon a time there was a young boy named Near. Near was 17 years old and lived in Winchester, England. While walking home from school one day, a Purple Shinigami jumped out from behind a An obese shinigami and tackled Near to the ground. But just when he was about to let out a scream for help, Near realized that the Purple Shinigami was only licking his face, not trying to bite it off. At that moment, Near decided to keep the Purple Shinigami as a pet. And on the way home he decided to name his pet Purple Shinigami ''Matt.'' When Near and his new pet finally got home, guess who was standing on the front porch? That's right, it was Near's mother, Lavender. And boy was she surprised to see a Purple Shinigami following Near into the yard! ''What in world is that?'' shouted Lavender. ''It's a Purple Shinigami,'' answered Near. ''Dah, I can see that, Near, but what on earth is it doing here?'' said Lavender. ''It's my new pet!'' answered Near. ''Oh you think so do you?'' remarked Lavender. ''I wouldn't get your hopes up. You know how your father hates Purple Shinigamis. But, well, I suppose you can keep him until your father comes home.'' And with that Near grabbed Matt by the scruff of the neck and led his new pet into the house-even though he knew his father was probably going to dissaprove. Once in the house, Near and Matt played and played, that is until Near's favorite television show, ''iCarly,'' started. At that point Near forgot all about Matt having an unsupervised run of the house. That is until half way through ''iCarly,'' when Near was brought back to reality when he heard his father shout, ''FUCKING DICKFACE MOTHER FUCKING COCKSUCKER BITCH HEAD CUNT FUCKER! Near! Get your Budunkadunk in the The torture chamber...NOW!'' With that Near rushed into the The torture chamber to see what all the fuss was about. When he entered the The torture chamber, there stood his father, Bobby, pointing toward the Toilet. ''Will someone please explain that?'' asked his father. Then, as Near followed his father's finger to where it was pointing, he instantly knew what his father was so upset about. There, smack dab in the middle of the Toilet, was the biggest pile of Shinigami doo-doo he had ever seen! ''I don't EVEN want to know how that got there,'' said Bobby. ''But you had better get it cleaned up now! And you had better get rid of whatever it is that could have done such a thing!'' Well, knowing his father as well as he did, Near knew there was no sense even asking his father if he could keep Matt for a pet. So without hesitation, Near set out to find where Matt was hiding. After a few minutes of looking, Near discovered Matt crouched beneath the table that Near did his Taping houses on. ''Come on, Matt, it's time to find you a new home. And hey, don't look at me that way, I'm not the one who did the dirty deed on the Toilet!'' scolded Near. ''Thanks to you I'll never get to have my own pet Shinigami! And with that Near led Matt out of the house and down to the local Victoria's Secret. They had a pet section and Near knew the owner would find Matt a good home. So after saying good-bye to Matt, and thanking the owner of Victoria's Secret, Near walked backed home and attempted to dround his sorrows by slamming down a half dozen Earl grey teas. But Near's pitty party came to an abrupt end when his father reminded him about the mess he had neglected to clean up. And low and behold, midway through the clean-up, Near suddenly became thankful that someone else was going to have to do it from now on. The End.
