When I wake, I roll over and beg the fear to pass. When it doesn't, I sit up and put my head in my hands. I have to remind myself where I am and what I am doing. It doesn't help. I am still afraid. Sweat drips from my face. I hear my tent zipper open. I wipe my face off and stare at the intruder.

It's just Raven.

I sit up straighter.

"Come back for more?" I ask her. She rolls her eyes.

"You're not fooling anyone, Blake. I was walking by your tent and heard you."

I just nod. I don't want to talk about that.

"You need to go see Clarke. She'll get you something for that. She found an herb that helps with—"

"Raven. I'm fine. Unless you came here to get over Finn again, you can leave. I don't need help from Clarke."

I stand up now, puffing out my chest. She looks me up and down and shakes her head.

"You need help, Bellamy. We all do. Clarke won't tell anyone. We all know she's messed up. You'd rather go to her than Abby, right?"

I shake my head again.

"I don't need help, Raven."

But I can't say that. I know I need help. I just don't want to tell her that. And I certainly can't tell Clarke.

"Whatever."

Raven finally leaves. I sit back down on my bed. I can't manage to remember how to fall back asleep. Every time I think I will, I am jolted awake by another terrible thought. I swallow my fear but I know that soon I won't be able to. I just hope I'm alone when I finally boil over. It's about two hours later when I scream myself awake. I decide screw this. I'm not sleeping through one of those again.

I get up and walk around the camp. I find people laying in various states of sleep. It must be well past three am. The morning shift won't begin for another three hours. I'll have to find something to do for the time.

"Bellamy!" Clarke says a bit too loud for nighttime. I turn around, rolling my eyes.

"Hey," I say.

"Raven said you wanted to see me."

Of course she did.

"No. I don't need to see you," I assure her.

"She seemed pretty certain."

"Well she's wrong," I say and begin to walk away. Clarke follows me. She puts her hand on my arm sending electric pulses through out my body. I want to beg her to keep it there, to pull me close to her. Instead I clear my throat and walk faster so her arm dislodges from mine. It hurts but I don't tell her that.

"There's nothing wrong with having nightmares," she says, trying to catch up.

"I don't get nightmares. I'm fine. Clarke, seriously. I don't know what she's talking about. I promise I am fine," I assure again, hoping she will leave me alone so I don't have to resist the urge to tell her everything and beg her to help me.

She follows me again. We are almost back to my tent. She stands in front of me now, blocking my way. She looks right into my eyes so I have no choice but to look back at her. I want to look away in fear that she may figure it out. But I don't.

"You're not okay, are you?" she asks.

I shrug my shoulders.

"Me either," she agrees.

She enters my tent first, waiting for me to follow her. I think she's given me permission to be vulnerable in front of her, which makes me hate everything a little more. I want her but everything is confusing.

"You can tell me, Bellamy," she says.

I just shake my head.

"I can't."

She nods and sits down on my bed. I sit next to her and put my face in my hands. Maybe this way if she does convince me I can tell her anything, she won't be able to see how much I'm hurting.

"I killed all of those people too," she says. "I see their faces in my dreams. I hear their names being spoken over and over again. I know how bad it is, Bellamy. If there is anyone you don't have to hide from, it's me."

I don't move.

She puts her hand on my bare back. I want to lean into her so badly. My body aches to be close to another. Her. It aches to be close to her. I refuse my craving. I refuse my need for comfort.

"Talk to me. I haven't slept much since it happened. Every night I am desperate to sleep but my mind is filled with hatred and fear. I am so tired of being scared all the time. I am so tired of being the bad guy, the person who has to bare it so they don't have to. I just want someone else to feel that for a while. Maybe then we can get a break."

She breaks me slowly with every word until I can't hold my demeanor anymore. I feel tears fall into my hand. I don't dare show my face now. I hold my breath, begging the fear to go away. I can't hide my shoulders begin to shake or my body begin to break in on itself.

Clarke puts her arm over my shoulder. I hear her sniffle but I don't look up. She can't see this.

"I have a herb that will help you sleep if you want," she says.

"Does it help you?" I ask.

"Not anymore. I used it when we first got here."

I shake my head. My hands are shaking now. My fear is taking me over. I thought I would be able to control it. Instead, I am begging my tears to stay hidden from her. I clear my throat and run my hands down my face so I can look at her. I know my eyes must be bloodshot.

"We'll figure this out together," she assures.

I nod, not trusting my voice yet. I look down at my wet hands. She puts her hand on mine. I take it. I can't control this. I want her. I squeeze her hand. She squeezes back. Relief floods my brain and body. The shaking begins to subside.

"You should try to sleep," she says.

I shake my head.

Clarke does something I would never have imagined. She pulls me in for a hug. I hold onto her, letting her squeeze my around my neck and put her face on my bare shoulder. Her lips brush against my skin. I wrap my arms all the way around her and rest my head on her shoulder. Her hand finds my hair, holding me close to her.

"We'll save each other, Bellamy."

I have to believe that. I am too afraid to believe anything else.

"Lay down," she says.

I nod and lay back on my pillow. I move against the wall of the tent and look over at her. She keeps her hand on mine. She looks so tired. She has dark circles under her eyes. Her body is slumped. Her lips are too dry. She wants help too.

"Only if you stay," I tell her.

She shakes her head, looking reluctant.

"You have trouble sleeping too," I remind her. "Come on. We're better together anyway."

She nods, laying down beside me and putting her head on my bare chest. She rests her arm over top of me, making me feel protected by her too. I cover my own arm with hers and let her rest her head.

"Stay," I remind her.

She squeezes me around my waist.

"You too, Bellamy."

I close my eyes.