Never Again. Always. And Forever.

A CM fanfic

Reid/Garcia

K+

Garcia makes a startling realisation, following the events of episode 300, which has not aired yet at the time of writing. I wrote this based on the promo for it, which ran four weeks before it was broadcast and the story is pure speculation and conjecture and my own wish for its outcome. As such, this story contains SPOILERS for that promo.

I've received several requests to do a Reid/Garcia story, and, well, here you are folks!

Big shout out and thanks to Aut, for once again dropping everything—even under the threat of Hurricane Florence—to catch stupid mistakes, make me clarify things and generally being supportive. Hugs!

"You know you love someone when the mere thought of losing them brings you to tears."-Unknown

She shook her head vigorously, rose from her chair and tossed the smart board remote down on the table before stalking out of the conference room. Emily Prentiss watched as the tech analyst left and turned back to the team assembled around the table.

"Uh, guys, I'll be right back," she told them as she raced out the door in pursuit of Penelope Garcia.

Five pairs of eyebrows rose as the rest of the team sat at the round table wondering just what had set Garcia off.

"Wonder what the hell's wrong," Senior Agent David Rossi mused aloud.

JJ shook her head and made a face. She was close to Garcia, and like the others, assumed it probably had something to do with her recent kidnapping.

Luke Alvez asked, "Has she had some kind of," he trailed off, knowing full well Garcia had been completely traumatised by a group known as The Believers. "Never mind," he finished.

Matt Simmons and Tara Lewis exchanged a worried look.

"It's been really tough for her," Simmons offered quietly, his face reflecting the sympathy he felt for their tech analyst.

"I can't imagine being faced with that choice," Tara opined. "I mean, really. Do this or we kill him," she shook her head, "I just can't."

"Garcia!" Prentiss called as she started to follow Penelope across the floor to the analyst's office.

She wrenched open the door, entered her lair and slammed the door shut behind her. The lock engaged automatically but Garcia knew that, as Unit Chief, Prentiss would be able to open it with her authorisation card.

Garcia braced herself for the inevitable. She sat in her chair in front of the bank of computers on her desk, picked up her stuffed bear and willed herself to not cry.

Prentiss touched the door handle, expecting it would have auto-locked as Garcia shut it. As she suspected, it was secured and she fished into her pocket for her access card.

"Penelope?" she asked quietly, knocking softly on the door. "Pen?" she repeated, a little louder this time.

Behind her, Prentiss heard the sound of the glass doors to the BAU opening and shutting, signifying someone's arrival. She glanced over her shoulder to see who it was and acknowledged Spencer Reid with a little wave. He waved back, settled down at his desk and logged onto his computer. Digging into his messenger bag, he retrieved a notebook and was flipping through it as the computer finished the sign in process.

Prentiss returned her attention to the tech analyst's door.

"Garcia!" she tried, using her boss voice instead of her friend voice. Taking a breath, she used her card and swiped the door's security slot. It opened and she slipped inside, bracing herself for the unknown.

Penelope sat at her desk, slumped slightly forward and Emily could see that her shoulders were shaking a little. She could hear Garcia sobbing quietly and as she stepped closer, she bit her lip and stifled a sad gasp of her own.

Clutched tightly in Penelope's hands and held firmly against her chest was the sandy coloured stuffed bear which had hardly left Garcia's sight since she'd received it in the hospital following her ordeal at the hands of Benjamin Merza.

Emily reached out and placed a hand on Penelope's shoulder.

"Pen," she said, then stooped down next to her, giving the chair just enough of a spin so that Garcia was facing her.

She sniffled to stop the sobbing, "I'm sorry," she managed to blurt out.

Shaking her head, Emily soothed, "No. No sorry. You've nothing to be sorry for, Penelope." She patted the bear with a finger and gave a tiny, what she hoped would be, encouraging smile. "You've been through a terrible trauma. I can't even begin to imagine. And honestly, I'm not even sure you should be back at work yet. But here you are."

She caught Garcia's eyes and held her gaze. "I know it's important to you to be here. Helping us with our cases. Probably keeping your mind off, um," Prentiss paused, "What happened."

Garcia managed a tiny nod.

"I'm not asking you to tell me what happened, okay?" Prentiss assured her. Without waiting for Penelope's reply, she carried on, "But I want you to know that I am here for you if you do want to talk about it. Or JJ. I'm sure JJ would be more than willing to listen, Pen. But it's not required. Just know that no matter what, we are here for you and we'll do anything we can to help you."

Prentiss was unaccustomed to such silence from Garcia and she moved to stand back up. Garcia let go her stranglehold on the bear and reached out to touch Emily with one hand, holding her in place.

"I'm okay, Emily. I'm okay. We're safe, it's over, the Believers are no more," she trailed off, and squeezed the bear again.

Prentiss looked at her, unconvinced but relenting. "Okay. Listen, I gotta get back to the team, we have a case—" she began to rise again.

Garcia gasped, interrupting her.

Emily's brow furrowed. "Penelope?"

Checking herself, Garcia murmured, "Sorry. I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about this case, Pen. I'll present it to the team myself."

She saw the uneasy look in Garcia's eyes and watched as Penelope bit her bottom lip. Letting out a sigh, Prentiss made eye contact again and using her boss voice asked,

"Okay, what is it, Penelope?"

"Can you—will you—will you please find," Garcia broke off eye contact and once again clutched her bear tightly, "Will you find some reason to keep Spencer here? Please?"

There was a long silence between them as Prentiss tried to gauge the reasoning for the request. Reid hadn't indicated to her that he had any sort of reticence about going out in the field since the kidnapping, and he'd been the one physically tortured and harmed. Both he and Garcia had undergone counseling and evaluation after their torment and had only recently returned to work. It was a moot point, Prentiss thought. He was here today to use the computer as he was doing some research for one of the classes he was teaching. And he needed the FBI database access afforded at the office. It dawned on Prentiss that Garcia probably wasn't aware of this. He had a computer at home. But as Unit Chief, Prentiss needed to know whether this reluctance to have Reid in the field was something that Reid himself had confided to Garcia. Was Garcia advocating on his behalf? Or—a look of disbelief crossed Emily's face—did Garcia propose this, and without his knowledge? She chose her words carefully, watching Garcia's face as she spoke.

"Garcia, I—um, you're worried about him, aren't you?"

Garcia shuddered and the bear was once again getting squeezed harder.

"Penelope?"

"I—" Garcia set the bear down on the desk and rose to her feet. She took a deep breath and looked Emily in the eye. "I love him, Emily."

Emily's mouth opened and shut. She needed clarification. "We all do, Penelope." She saw Garcia's mouth move ever so slightly, her lower lip quivered a bit. Tears leaked from her eyes and she blinked furiously, trying to quell them. "Oh. Oh my—" Prentiss started to say and trailed off. Pulling her cell phone from her pocket, she touched a couple of keys and waited for the reply. She laid her free hand on Garcia's arm while waiting for the phone connection to be made.

"Yeah, Dave? Something's come up. I'm gonna hafta sit this one out. Can you present the case please, and take the team?" There was a short pause and then "Yeah, I'll get that to you in a bit. Thanks, Dave," and Emily put her phone away and returned her attention to Garcia.

"Sit down," she commanded and as Penelope retook her chair, Prentiss perched on the desktop. Garcia wiped quickly at her eyes. Softening her voice, Emily prodded,

"You don't mean like how we all love him, do you, Penelope?"

She shook her head.

"How long?" Prentiss wondered how she could possibly have missed this. Garcia wore her heart on her sleeve; her emotions were always clearly visible. Apparently not, Prentiss conceded silently.

Penelope sniffled, took a breath and asked, "How long have I loved him or how long have I known?"

Prentiss' brow furrowed.

Garcia found her courage and replied without waiting for Prentiss to specify. "Years. I've loved him for years. I just—I just didn't," she paused, overcome again with tears as the realisation struck her. "We almost—I almost—lost him. I thought they killed him, oh my—Emily, they almost killed him." She buried her face in her hands and cried, remembering the harrowing moments of their captivity: Spencer being restrained, beaten and tortured; her own torment as she was threatened with death. Emily slid down off the desktop and knelt in front of Penelope, enclosing her in a hug. Garcia shook with sobs for a long moment before lifting her head and swiping at the tears.

"Sorry—" she started only to notice Prentiss shaking her head no.

"It's okay, Pen," Emily soothed. "You love him."

Garcia nodded. Prentiss carefully dabbed a finger at Garcia's tears.

"And you finally realised this when you almost lost him."

Garcia nodded again, giving Prentiss a tiny smile of appreciation as she dabbed at more tears.

"And have you told him this?"

Wide eyed, Garcia shook her head, "No! No I haven't! I can't, I—" she paused as Emily moved, breaking eye contact momentarily.

Prentiss stood up. "You gonna be okay?" she asked.

Garcia nodded.

Prentiss wiped her hands on her pants and changed from her friend voice back to her boss voice. "Okay then, listen, I gotta get a file to Rossi on the jet, and you," she paused, "Stay here. I'll be back in a few minutes, don't go away."

"Yes ma'am," Garcia purred.

"Ma'am! Don't 'ma'am' me!" Prentiss said faux-sternly.

Garcia managed a tiny smile as the Unit Chief left her office, leaving the door slightly ajar.

Belatedly, Penelope realised she hadn't extracted an answer from Emily about keeping Spencer at the office.

"Dammit!" she exclaimed. She sat still for a minute, vowing to address this when Prentiss returned. For a long moment, she looked at the computer and decided she should probably call into the jet to see if the team needed her help at all. Her brow furrowed as the script to log into the team conference executed and then went blank.

"Dammit!" she exclaimed again, rising from the seat to begin the process of checking to see what was wrong with her system. Nothing seemed out of place, no connections were awry. "Dammit!" she repeated just as her door opened widely.

"Sorry?" came the voice of Spencer Reid. "I, uh, can come back later," he told her, and motioned towards the door.

"Don't you dare," she scolded.

"Come back?" he asked, and without waiting for her answer, "Okay. I'll just be on my wa—" he stopped abruptly as she grabbed his arm and momentum propelled her into him.

"Sorry," he said, reaching out to steady her. His hands on her arms sent waves of heat through her and she gasped.

"Sorry," he repeated, although what exactly he was sorry about remained a mystery to him. She drew her arms back from his hold until her hands met his and she held them.

"I meant, don't leave," she said in a low, timid voice.

The profiler in him tried to read her and his momentary inability to do so frustrated him. He stood still, silent for a minute and observed her. She was holding onto his hands, but staring at his chest, not raising her eyes to make eye contact and he could see her skin was flushed, like she was nervous or upset about something. Her forehead was creased and there were definitely frown lines around her painted lips. This possibility bothered him greatly. He and Garcia had always been close. It troubled him that she didn't feel comfortable sharing with him whatever was causing her worry at the moment.

"Emily said you wanted to see me," he offered in explanation to his sudden appearance in her office.

She sighed deeply.

"Is something wrong, Penelope?" he asked, his concern reflecting in the tone of his voice.

Again she sighed and then dropped his hands. She patted the open spot on the desktop and indicated he should sit down.

"Emily wants me to tell you something," she started. Her mouth went dry and she had to tear her eyes away as he sat perched on the edge of the desk, legs splayed slightly apart. His suit pants were taut against his slim but muscular thighs and Penelope choked back the gasp that was forming in her throat. How had she never before realised how attractive he was?

"Okay," he invited.

"Have you ever. Has there ever, in your entire life, been someone that you see like, almost every day. Talk to tons and tons and only after they're gone, you like, realise, that," she paused, finding it difficult to say the words she wanted to say.

Derek Morgan, he thought but didn't voice aloud. She was incredibly nervous, he realised, which didn't make any sense. Garcia had never had a problem talking about her feelings for Derek Morgan.

He was sitting with his arms crossed in front of him and he realised that body language might be contributing to Garcia's hesitance. Dropping his arms, he let his hands fall to his lap.

Garcia drew a deep breath. "Okay, okay," she released it, "I gotta just—"

He offered her one hand, "What is it, Penelope?"

"Oh," she sighed almost wistfully. Taking his hand, she focused on it and continued, "I was surfing around on the Internet the other day and I found this meme a friend had posted. The original author's unknown, but this quote really, really hit me. Close to the heart."

He waited expectantly for her to continue.

"You know you love someone when the mere thought of losing them brings you to tears."