Yes. All you people anxiously awaiting an update to "Nightmares" (as if there's anyone left), you eagerly checked your author updates, saw me, and, What? A bad Harry Potter fic? Yes, indeed. A bad Harry Potter fic.

My friend Ali (manyissues101) told me right before I walked into Algebra II, "Write a story about Harry being an alcoholic!" So I did. This took me a grand 45-minutes of ignoring quadratic equations; if it seems melodramatic and cliché, that's because it's supposed to be, and was written entirely for Ali's amusement. I'm not even entirely sure I got the names right. Please understand that I put no further effort into this than typing it up. So, enjoy, if it's possible.

By the by, has anyone heard of the game where you replace the words 'wand' with 'dong' and 'broomstick' with 'bitch'? Manyissues101 added the last one, but it's fun!

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"Stay real quiet, okay?" Albus told James, covering his ears as he nodded. The boys were huddled between their bed and a wall, a blanket thrown over them. James curled up to his elder brother, trusting him to keep the demons out. Albus, however, had no one to shield his ears.

"This is the third time in as many days, Harry!" their mother's voice rang out. "If you miss work again they'll fire you!"

"We've got plenty," their father slurred dismissively. "Quit your nagging."

"We used to have plenty, before you blew it all! What happened to James's new broomstick? What happened to Albus's advanced astronomy telescope? You said you wanted them to have everything you didn't!"

"They will! Everyone will give them what they want! I defeated Voldemort!"

"No one cares anymore!"

There was a smacking sound of a body hitting a wall. Albus could almost feel the wand pressed against his mother's throat.

"Everyone would be dead or enslaved if it wasn't for me!"

"Yes, and it was the only thing you ever managed to do! You never even graduated Hogwarts! What kind of role model do you think you're being to my kids?"

"I was fighting Voldemort!"

"There are no more Dark Lords, Harry!"

There was a loud slapping sound and Ginny screamed. Stomping feet went to the door and slammed it. Aside from their mother's choked breath, all was silent. Albus relaxed his hands. "Alright. Let's go to sleep now."