I kissed him. And it felt so wrong. He was hot. And not careful. He wasn't Edward.

I cried harder and pushed him away. I couldn't look at the hurt expression I knew was on his face.

"Bella…" His voice was barely a whisper.

"Dammit!" I yelled. My body wracked with sobs as I fell to my knees. "Dammit, dammit, dammit!"

I put my face in my hands and cried harder than I thought was humanly possible.

Jake sunk down to his knees and wrapped his arms around me, his hulking frame dwarfing my practically wasted-away one. Why did he have to be so nice? Why wasn't he mad at me? Why didn't he hate me, like I hated myself?

Suddenly, I was so tired. Tired of trying so hard all the time, tired of trying to be better, tired of fighting against the sadness and the memories. Tired of everything. All the fight left me.

"Dammit," I whispered one more time.

Jake put his finger under my chin and lifted my face to his, demanding my eyes to meet his.

"Bella, it's okay. You can't force this. I get it. And I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pushed you." He was so sincere, and although I could see the pain deep in his eyes, it was overridden by his concern for me and how I felt.

New waves of self-hatred rolled over me. There must be a special place in Hell for me. Why did I continue to use Jake to make me feel better? Why did I let him continue to be there for me when it only hurt him? All I did was take from him – his warmth and caring. I gave him nothing in return. I couldn't even give him this one, tiny moment. And I knew he wanted it more than anything.

"No! I want this, Jake." I shook my head vigorously from side to side, tears flying outwards and toward the ground.

"Bella," he started to reply, almost plaintively.

"I can't, Jake!" I interrupted, "This has to stop. I can't live like this. I can't be this shell of a person who lost something that I can't get back and then that's it. My life can't be over. I'm not even nineteen yet." My voice faltered. "It's not fair."

"No, Bella, it's not fair." He pulled me closer and stroked my hair. Sighing deeply, he continued, "But you need to give it time. It won't always be this way. I promise."

The tears continued to freefall, dripping from my chin, soaking Jake's shirt.

I rested my forehead on his shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Jake."

"Don't, Bells. I don't blame you." The edge in his voice made it clear who he thought was to blame for my current state. "I'm here. Whatever you need. Whatever you want me to be. I'll do it."

He sighed again and pulled back slightly. I looked up at him, questioningly. With a wary tone, he said, "There's just one thing I can't be." He looked contrite. I was afraid of what I knew he was going to say next. I didn't want to hear it. Because I knew it was true.

"Him."