Note: Done right after S1E10, right after they accept Jack aboard the TARDIS.


Rose couldn't remember a better evening on the TARDIS. The music and dancing between herself, Jack and the Doctor lasted for many hours, and while there was no specific time on the TARDIS, it did feel like very late in the evening before she and Jack had started to slow, their steps fumbling until it was like the Doctor was leading them around on strings.

Finally, the Doctor saw their states and he laughed. "Humans. You get so TIRED!" he said with a chuckle, smiling hugely.

"Oh bugger off…" Rose mumbled, but she was smiling too as she slumped to the floor, dragging Jack down with her, giggling and laughing.

Chuckling a little quieter now, the Doctor pointed to the hall out of the base 'lobby' of the TARDIS. "Go on then. To bed, Rose."

"Yes, mummy." She answered with a smirk as she got up and passed him, making him do a face at her.

"Ah, a bed…" Jack said, starting to get up to follow her. "That sounds-"

He stopped as, when trying to pass the Doctor, a hand snapped up and was pushed on his chest. As he looked up in surprise, the Doctor gave him a firm look. "Her room's not your concern. YOURS is down the hall, take a left, then two rights. It's labeled."

"Labeled?" Jack said, confused.

"Aye." The Doctor answered easily, letting his hand drop and turning back to the controls.

After a pause, Jack asked, "Labeled as WHAT, if I may ask?"

The Doctor was grinning. "'Excess rubbish'." he answered, looking over his shoulder at him.

Jack started to laugh tiredly. "Oh… Oh thanks. I can just FEEL the kindness oozing out of you."

"Get on." The Doctor snapped, no longer looking at him. "Or something'll start oozing out of your nose. Something red and coppery."

Jack held up his hands peacefully, saying, "All right… mummy!" He turned and sprinted down the hall, thinking he had managed the last laugh… until a small floor panel suddenly jumped up, catching his foot and making him fall spectacularly.

He brushed himself off as the Doctor hummed cheerfully in the distance.

The Doctor watched the man go, smirking a bit as he heard the distant grumbling. He started to check over the TARDIS, trying to find a safe place to land for the night. He didn't sleep often, but when he did, he did like to be in a safe spot! Finding one, a distant moon that was 10 years from even being discovered, he felt it was safe and put the TARDIS down. He sighed in delight and he turned, about to head for his own room… and then heard the beeping.

He dashed back to the consol, reading the strange characters quickly, his face draining of colour. "Oh… Oh you've got to be kidding me!" he gasped, trying to fiddle with the devices, but nothing worked. "Come ON!" he moaned.

He looked down the hallway where the others had gone, biting his lip. He started to pace back and forth, muttering to himself, "Thinkthinkthinkthink-" He froze and his hands came up. "YES!" he shouted and dashed down the hall, taking the first right. He dashed into the room, and almost bumped into Jack.

The man jumped in shock, stammering, "Oh CHRIST! You scared the crap out of me!"

The Doctor was still. "What're you doing in here?" he asked suspiciously.

Jack was quick to hold up his hands. "Hey, hey, no. Not what you think. I'm not scavenging! Just looking…" He turned to eye the room, which was full of cabinets and containers and cases. The whole place was the size of an American football field and Jack seemed stunned. "I haven't seen this much tech in a single room EVER!" He turned and watched as the Doctor just sighed at him and started to run off, towards a row of containers that looked just like office cabinets from earth. "You've…. You've got EVERYTHING! I didn't know half of these things still existed!"

But the Doctor ignored him, pulling open the drawers one by one, muttering to himself.

Jack watched a while longer, lips pursed, displeased at being ignored, but he stayed where he was for a while, head tilted to the side, smiling slightly.

"If you're done eyeing my arse…." the Doctor snapped, "…come and help me look. I'm looking for a blue collar, three circuit boards on the outside, red lights on the outside."

Unable to help a smile, Jack came and did as told, quipping, "I wasn't done-"

"Yeah, we're not going there." The Doctor snapped, stopping to glare at him. "Got it?"

Jack smiled innocently. "No interspecies exploration, eh?"

"No." the Doctor said as he kept looking. "'Sides… you're far too young for my tastes."

Jack couldn't help a chuckle and kept looking.

After a couple minutes, the Doctor shouted. "Got it!" He was holding the collar in his hand and using his other, whipped out the sonic screwdriver and started to examine the collar with it.

Coming over, Jack stared. "What… is that?"

"Personal compression field." the Doctor said, turning the device over and scanning again. "Same model that those Slitheens were using, except I nipped forwards about 50 years and grabbed this one. MUCH more effective. Less gas exchange problems. Also modified it a bit for my own personal reasons. None other like it in the universe." He paused to chuckle. "I know. I checked."

"Uh-huh…" Jack muttered. There was silence but for the buzzing of the sonic screwdriver. "And… why do you need it so desperately?"

"Oh it's not for ME." The Doctor said, turning around. "It's for YOU!" With no further warning, he suddenly, lunged forwards and strapped the device on Jack's neck.

The man thrashed in surprise and instantly tried to claw it off, snapping, "What?! WHY?! Get this off! What is all this?!"

The Doctor then surprised Jack by reaching and held the man's face in both hands, saying sternly, "You'll be fine, but you have to trust me."

"Trust you!?" Jack snapped as the Doctor started to run away from him. "I barely even KNOW you!" he shouted after him as he disappeared through the door.

There was silence and then the Doctor poked his head back in, smiling that huge smile of his. "Then you've no reason NOT to trust me!" and dashed off again, calling out, "Come on!"

Jack dashed after him, asking tiredly, "Okay, so… what's going on?"

The Doctor was back in the main room, rushing about the hub of the TARDIS and Jack started to realize that something was up. He knew what that pattern of beeping meant! He knew that language. "Oh no…"

He rushed over as the Doctor nodded, showing him the panel. "Yeah."

"But HOW?!" Jack asked in shock, looking frightened.

The Doctor shrugged and dashed to the other side of the hub, Jack following. "We caused a big ruckus in London and our trail crossed right with yours. Not a hard assumption to make."

Jack stumbled after him, asking desperately, "What'll I DO?! They'll kill me!"

"Wha's goin' on?" came the sleepy voice behind them and they both turned to see Rose, looking sleepy and confused.

The Doctor nodded to Jack. "Your new boyfriend had bounty hunters after him that he CONVENIENTLY forgot to mention!"

As Jack was about to speak in his defense, Rose snapped, "He's not my boyfriend!" She then grumbled, saying, "And what bounty hunters?" But then her eyes opened wide. "Wait… you mean…?"

"Yeah, the ones he's conned before us." The Doctor agreed, typing fast on the keyboard in the panel. "They were tracking his ship and GUESS which blue box just so happened to intercept his ship just before it exploded and with none of his remains inside?"

"What'll we do?" Rose asked in horror, rushing over to peer over the Doctor's shoulder.

The Doctor went still, straightening, looking right at Jack, who had moved down from the platform to be out of the way and to try and find an escape route. "We have to let them in."

The man's reaction was as expected. "WHAT?!"

"You heard me." The Doctor snapped. "We can't outrun them, they're too fast and got a lock on us and if we deny them entrance, that's all but saying we have you."

"But we DO have him!" Rose snapped, pointing to the man in question.

Jack shrugged helplessly, smiling weakly. "She's got a point. I AM right here."

The Doctor then rushed over to him, jumping over the railing to stand before him. As Jack stood back in surprise, the Doctor held up his sonic screwdriver. "Yes. You are. But know what?" He smiled as he turned the device on and the collar beeped. "Soon, you won't be!"

There was a bright flash and the Doctor smiled as he pocketed the screwdriver, but then frowned. "Oh no…" He bent down, scooping something small and living off the floor, scowling. "I knew it wasn't charged enough!"

Jack Harkness lay in his hand, a measly 6 inches tall, looking terrified and confused, looking around in shock, clinging to the Doctor's hand. He looked upwards, trembling as he snapped, "What… What did you DO to me?"

"Compressed you." The Doctor said simply, smiling again.

Staring from the railing above them, Rose called out, "Oh, oh I get it!"

The Doctor froze and turned to her in shock. "Wait, what? You DO?"

Nodding, she explained, "I've seen this on TV shows. You're going to hide him! Stick him in the sock drawer or something while you let those others search the ship and not find him?"

The Doctor looked back down at the tiny man in his hands, saying with an awkward grin, "Uh… you've got the 'hiding' part right at least. Good on you."

There was a sudden thumping on the door, loud and angry, and there was a noise that sounded like a car driving on an ill-kept gravel road.

Spinning to look at Rose, the Doctor looked genuinely uncertain for a moment, but as the knocking and the noise came again, he tightened his grip on the tiny figure, feeling him squirm in surprise, saying clearly, "Rose. You didn't see this."

"See what?" she asked nervously, and then gaped as the Doctor lifted the little man to his face… and shoved his top half into his mouth.

Jack let out a scream as this happened, mostly out of disgust and surprise rather than fear. He hadn't really understood what was happening just yet and all he knew was that he was getting SOPPING wet with slime and it was disgusting. He thrashed and kicked, snapping, "Hey, this is NO way to kiss someone on a first date!" He shouted, trying to use his arms, but they were stuck fast to his sides. He tried again to get loose, his face and chest well-squished between the soft tongue and the tough, rubbery palate. "This is disgusting!" he shouted as he felt the Doctor rearranging his hands on his body. "Stop it and let me out!" Idly, he noticed he felt oddly cold, but he didn't think much more about it

He was then very surprised as the gravity started to change and before he knew it, he was upside down!

Blinking in surprise, Jack yelped as he felt a push against his legs… a push forwards… which meant he moved downwards. Down the gullet in front of him.

Eyes opening WIDE in disbelief, Jack started to kick and struggle, calling out, "O-Okay, okay, well played! Okay, nice payback for the whole con thing! I get it! Now get me out of h-" He yelped as his legs were squeezed together in the Doctor's fist, the strength of the huge hand now so terrifying, and with a muffled 'gluk' kind of noise, Jack let out a whimper as he was shoved in deeper, his hips now resting on the back edge of the Doctor's tongue, his chest squeezed in the start of the throat. He started to really fight now, not even speaking as he protested, just making animal noises of fear as he tried to squirm backwards, away from that slippery tunnel that led to certain death.

Unfortunately, nature was terrifyingly effective, because with another swallow that sounded FAR too powerful and yet easy at the same time, Jack shouted as he felt the Doctor's lips around his ankles, the only pressure keeping him from dropping down further inside the huge man. He kept thrashing, trying to break loose, even calling for Rose to help him now, entertaining ideas of her plucking him out by the feet. He squalled as he thrashed, his cries no longer intelligent. Just… primeval terror.

The Doctor frowned as he tipped his head back and with a jerk of the head and a snap of his jaws, the tiny feet were sucked into his mouth and he gulped hard, huffing a bit as he felt the large bulge work itself down his throat and disappear into nothingness at his collarbone. He smacked his lips a bit, turning to Rose as he complained, "God, he reeked of vermouth!" He then shrugged as he started to walk back to the hub. "I prefer gin to vermouth, myself…"

Rose was just… staring at this point, unable to believe what she had seen. The Doctor… had just… eaten Jack? Had shoved him in his mouth and with a few gulps, had sucked him down? The Doctor was now coming to the control panel and Rose could only stand there mutely as he rushed by her. She turned to stare, just… shocked.

The Doctor was fiddling with the control panels and he paused, going still as he grimaced. He frowned and patting his belly, he then belched. Looking relieved, he then went back to work, commenting, "That's true, I guess."

"T-True?" she asked quietly, still in shock.

He looked up and smiled. "That saying you earth lot have. 'Tasted better going down than coming up'!"

She gaped, trying to speak, but then jumped as there was a heavy banging on the door.

The Doctor was at her side instantly and as he held her close to him, he bent and muttered into her ear, "Play along, or we die."

Jack shivered as look upwards, trembling as he hugged himself breathing hard, listening to the cacophony of sounds around him. The lungs were hard enough, rushing in hundreds of gallons of air in and out of lungs that dwarfed him, sounding like a violent storm to his tiny ears right now, but that was nothing compared to the double beating of the Doctor's twin hearts. The hearts didn't beat in unison, but right after the other, creating an odd 4 beat pulse. It was… weird. But so loud and strong.

He felt so small, so helpless in here! He shook as he hugged himself tighter, trying to curl up and finding it far too easy to do. He blinked in the darkness, squeezing his eyes shut after a moment, trying to wipe the previous scene from his mind, to avoid seeing it over and over as that mouth had opened up before him, tried to forget how it felt to have the throat squeezing and sucking and shoving him downwards despite all his struggles. But try as he might, he still couldn't block that sound from his memory: the squelching gurgle that had resonated around him when he had been forced, kicking and screaming, into the Doctor's belly. He had struggled, had kicked and thrashed, but nothing had worked. All it had accomplished was to somehow get him to be upright in the belly and he lay there silently now, quivering.

He wasn't a stupid man. He had been here a good couple minutes by now and while he could smell the citrus-y stink of acid… nothing was wrong. He wasn't burning or melting or… anything, really. He shook again as he looked around, opening his eyes hesitantly. His eyes had adjusted to the darkness by now and he could see that even though the slick, wrinkled walls were tight all around him, barely giving him room to lie out comfortably, they weren't hurting him. He fit as snug as inside a coffin, but he… wasn't hurting. He didn't know how the doctor had done this, but he wasn't hurting, so he knew he had to play along, as much as he hated it.

Jack shook again, hugging himself tightly, squeezing his eyes shut again as the stomach growled around him, squeezing him firmly in place as it tried again to digest him, like a good piece of meat, but as he felt the acids drip all over him, he remained unharmed still, whimpering to himself.

Standing tall, the Doctor went to the door, dragging Rose along with him, and opened it. Standing before the TARDIS were two alien beings about seven feet tall. Their bodies reminded Rose of hourglasses, with a huge upper and lower section, but a skinny middle, almost too skinny. How were they not snapping in half?! Their heads seemed to be stuck on the top of their upper halves, but it was difficult to call it a head. It was more like a plank of material sticking up vertically on the body, wide and tall, but thin. It was branched on both sides by weird, leafy-looking structures. The legs were much the same, except they splayed out and fanned to be wider at the base than at the top and they had no toes to speak of. Their arms were much the same, with the 'fingers' of the 'hands' looking like more of those leaves.

These, combined with their pale green colour made Rose utter one word: "Celery." She stared. These beings looked like creatures made of CELERY! Like from an old b-monster movie or something!

She felt a hand clap on her shoulder and the Doctor was smiling hugely, muttering, "Rose, don't insult our guests." He then waved cheerfully, saying, "Hello. I'm the Doctor. How can I help you?"

The alien on the left spoke first and its voice made Rose wince. It was so high in pitch that it would be comical if it weren't for the horrific nail-on-a-chalkboard aspect to it! It took her a second to understand what it was saying and she stared. "We want the one who calls himself Captain Jack Harkness."

"He cheated us of our bounty." said the second being. "We have come to collect our wrongfully-taken pay."

The Doctor grinned and waved them inside, saying, "Well, go on and look, but he's not here."

The two beings paused, but then marched inside. One of them started to walk around the lobby of the TARDIS, peering into all the cracks while the other stayed to speak with the Doctor. "We found your ship's trace next to his and the time matches up to before his vessel self-destructed."

The Doctor shrugged. "Well, yeah, we picked him up. But then we put him down."

"Put him down?" The alien asked, head tilted slightly.

"Yeah." The Doctor said. He then gave Rose's shoulders a squeeze, making her inhale a little sharply in surprise. He then scowled at the alien, saying, "If you must know, he was making advances on my mate here."

"M-Mate?" Rose mumbled.

"Yes, dear." The Doctor answered, smiling stiffly in a 'please don't screw this up' fashion.

Rose didn't have time to think as the creature turned to stare at her and she was staring at its blank, green face. It had no eyes, no mouth, nothing! How was it even SPEAKING to her?! "Is this true?" it asked her, the voice sharp and harsh on her ears.

"Uh…" She felt the hand on her shoulder tighten slightly and she felt an odd dread fill her. Gulping, she lowered her head. "Y-Yes. Yes it is."

"You are hesitating as you speak." The creature observed, leaning in closer.

Stammering, Rose then squeezed out of the Doctor's embrace, hugging herself. "I'm… not comfortable talking about it."

But the creature wouldn't be dismayed so easily and just snapped, "Tell me."

Scowling, Rose turned around, shouting, "Well FINE. If you're going to be so nosy!"

"Now, Rose…" the Doctor began warningly, but she cut him off.

"No. They want to hear it? Fine." She turned to the alien, saying, "That Jack. He acted all nice and wonderful and you know what he does? He cons US, bribes himself aboard and then ASSAULTED me!"

The alien stared at her quietly for a while and the second one came over as well, both of them silent. The first alien then turned to the Doctor, asking, "What is this term?"

"Attempted pollination without the proper mating dance on another male's committed mate." the Doctor explained swiftly and then raised a hand at the last bit. "That's ME, by the way."

The two aliens looked surprised as both made a noise that while it was hard to understand, it clearly held the air of a scandalous 'oooh!'. Rose had to smile inwardly. Apparently some things didn't change, even across alien races!

"Yeah. Yeah, what he said." she confirmed, scowling. "So… we… we put him down." It was difficult for her to say, but she honestly feared for her life right now, and not because of the two green aliens in the room.

"Where?" the second alien demanded.

Rose threw up her hands angrily, and turned around, snapping, "Oh I don't know! We told the machine to go somewhere and shoved him out the door. I don't know where he ended up!"

There was a pause and then a sharp and sudden, "You're lying." Rose yelped as suddenly she felt herself grabbed from behind. She struggled, but the second alien had her firmly despite her thrashing.

The Doctor blinked, surprised by this sudden change, but looking still so calm as he asked simply, "Beg pardon?"

"His scent is still in this room." the first alien growled.

"You LIE to us!?" the second alien all but roared, his skin appearing to grow courser, making Rose squirm.

The Doctor tried to salvage the situation, stammering, "N-No, I…"

But the aliens had clearly had enough. The second alien was holding Rose tightly and vines were starting to grow from the two protrusions alongside its head coiling around Rose's neck, shouting at the Doctor, "If you lie to us, you shall be killed. Dishonor!"

"Doctor!" Rose thrashed and screamed as the vines started to tighten.

The Doctor tried to run forwards, but the first alien caught his arm, snarling, "We shall kill your female first and then we shall kill you! DISHONOR!"

Blinking, the Doctor then shouted, "WAIT!" The aliens both paused suspiciously. He then held up his hands in a gesture of surrender, saying, "All right, I'll tell you." He lowered them. "I'll tell you where he is."

"No lies?" the first alien snarled.

The Doctor looked over at Rose, barely able to breathe now. "No lies. I promise. Just… let her go." He gestured to her and thankfully, the first alien nodded to the second, and she was released. "Come here, Rose… good girl." She came to him, coughing and gasping, and he gently tucked her behind his back, standing between her and the aliens, murmuring to her, "Stay there."

The aliens waited, the second asking, "Where is Jack Harkness? Hold to your promise."

"And no tricks. Tell us plainly." added the first.

"Plainly, eh?" the Doctor asked. He leaned back slightly and turned his head to Rose. "They want it plainly!" He turned back to them, smiling. "Fine." He spread his arms. "I ate him."