So.. This. Does anyone remember when I said I was going to write a bunch of AUs? This was originally supposed to be like, the second or maybe third one, but eh. So.. Here you have it. Written all the way back on 9th April. 1840-something words of Necromancy AU. Maybe I'll continue this and make it a series of AU one shots. Or write a Part II, if anyone's interested? I do already have the ides for a couple more of these.

So.. *deep breath* here goes. It's a Necromancer!Au. Valduggery, obviously. Since Skulduggery wasn't exactly one of the good guys, and used Necromancy from the start, he isn't a skeleton. They're not evil, per se but just.. Necromancers. It's mostly cause real Skul probably wouldn't do this. Well, not all the time.


Valkyrie Cain and Skulduggery Pleasant had been partners for years.

She'd tagged along, when he'd found her during a case. They'd eventually become partners, with him training her in Necromancy and that Wreath guy training her in Elemental. Bla, bla, blah.

They both were bona fide, powerful Necromancers, although neither went for the robe thing. Most Necromancers had ditched it these days. They worked for the Main Temple, their version of Sanctuaries. Same thing, except for the name change. The Sanctuaries had simply crumbled, sort of, and Necromancers had decided to redecorate and change a hella lot of things and eventually declare themselves as the Irish Sanctuary. Somebody's genius idea had been to name the Ireland ex-Sanctuary the Main Temple.

Which was a pretty friggin bad name.

Dear lord Zeus, was it a stupid name. But it paid. And the people, their bosses, technically, were also very stupid. But now that two of his best mates were on the three Boss Seats, life had been so much better. They were still working on changing the name,though.

Life was fun for the two.. Assassins? Nah, that was too exaggerated. Enforcers? No, that wasn't what they did. They did, however, investigate any killings of their side, or terrified others who wouldn't listen. They were Detectives, of sorts. Yes. That's what they were.

...that was their job description,actually. The tall, handsome man in the dark, dark navy suit with a cobalt blue shirt wondered why he'd been wondering about his job. He knew what his job was. See, this was what no coffee did to a person. First time he'd gone to sleep in two days, and he gets called up at four am. Four. Friggin. A. M.

Now it was almost ten, the guy he'd been woken up for had been taken care of. Translation: Thrown through a second storey window because Skulduggery was cranky.

Now, nearly four or five hours later, he still hadn't gotten his damn coffee.

Where the hell was she? How long did it take to get coffee? He tapped out a frustrated rhythm on the bonnet of his very beautiful, very expensive and very delicate Bentley. He wasn't going to exact his rage on his car,not matter how drunk, pissed off or frustrated he was. The car was off limits. Such a pretty black color. Shiny, too. He liked black. It was a nice, dark color.

Why the hell was he thinking about colours for? Oh, right. He hadn't gotten his coffee. Which his lackey —no, assistant, —no,battle accessory— had gone to get. Well, she'd said she'd gone to get it for herself, but he didn't doubt that she knew he'd swipe her's. As per usual. Which meant she'd be bringing two.

And she had gone something like twenty minutes ago.

He let out a groan of annoyance, and stalked back up the street, where she'd gone to that one coffee shop which had amazing coffee. He wanted that coffee. Preferably now. If not, then in two minutes. Maximum.

He barged in through the door, the little bell twinkling. Gods, he hated that bell. However, the coffee allowed him to forgive that. Aha, there she was. Chatting up some reasonably not bad looking twenty year old. He reckoned the guy would have a priceless reaction when he would find out that the cute girl he was flirting with was actually seventy-something years old.

He calmly walked up to her, increasing his pace and putting on a worried expression. "Sister! There you are! You weren't supposed to go out of the nurse's sight! The doctor was so worried!" She stared at him, confused. "What?"

He grabbed her arm and pulled her closer. She, as he predicted, tried to move away. "Uh.. Skul? Are you okay-" he pulled her into his chest to muffle her words. He shook his head as the brunette guy she'd been talking to stared at them.

"Terribly sorry, mister. Did my sister bother you? She's always running away from her nurses, this one. Oh, didn't I mention? She's kooky." He pulled a hand away and twirled the finger at his head in a 'crazy' gesture. "Completely off her rocker. Thinks that she's a magic butterfly at times. Has.. episodes."

The guy's face moved from confused to worried to relieved. It was amusing to watch, really. "Oh. Oh. I-I didn't realise. She seemed okay." Valkyrie, hearing everything, let out an angry muffled yell at him. The guy nodded in understanding, and slowly backed away.

He pulled away, and she shoved him and glared at him soon as she was able.

"What was that for? Can't I flirt with a hot guy?"

He nodded. "Of course you can. As long as you bring me my coffee first and not make me wait. Or if he's Satan. But that one's up to you." He frowned. "Speaking of, are you going to tell me why you took so long to get coffee?"

She crossed her arms. "They had an accident with the steamer or something. They're fixing it now."

Oh. So that was why. "Fine. Just get the coffee and then come back to the car. I'm getting really bored."

She scowled at his retreating back. Damn him. Damn him for being such a general asshole. Damn him for being him. Damn him for being so damn good looking. She knew he'd swipe her coffee. Like always. So she'd started getting two, because she knew him and his habits. But she wasn't going to get him a coffee this time,no siree. She was going to get what he always got, and she was going to drink it in front of his face. Humph. Haha, Detective-Necromancer Man. Strike one for the lady.

Just then, there was a shout from the counter. The steamer hadn't been fixed, so sorry for the inconvenience, but iced coffees and plain coffees were available. She stalked up, got a black. Iced. The guy looked really weirded out at her request, but complied. She paid him, got out of the shop.

She stalked up to the Bentley, sipping the coffee and trying not to gag. It was black,his favourite. No sugar, no cream, just really bitter black coffee. For whatever reason, he loved it. Maybe it matched his soul. It did provide a nice caffeine hit, though. That was good when it was hot, but the fact that it this one was iced made it perfect for retching.

He was leaning against the car. "Finally. It's been half an hour. " She ignored that. He didn't falter. "What coffee did you get?" It sounded like a casual question, but she knew it was so he could think about whether he wanted it or not.

"Black." She said confidently. And without showing how attractive she found the sudden look of determination on his face. "Just as black as your soul. Pity it's for me. You never said you wanted one, so I didn't get one." His eyes narrowed. "That point was already established."

"Was it? How rude of me."

He wanted that coffee. It was black. Black coffee was good. He'd actually go for any type of coffee right now, even those retchingly sweet alaskas at Dunkin. Wait, no. Maybe not those.

She kept her breathing normal, even as he crossed the space between them in a single stride. He was close enough that, if she'd been taller, the brim of his hat would be poking into her forehead. As it was, it was above her.

He paused, distracted, put a hand on a car door, swiping away a bit of dust. He then continued, leaning closer, down to her ear. "Please?" She tried her best not to shiver at the purr of the velvety voice.

"No. It's mine."

He looked into her eyes, leaning down. His vibrant apple green eyes bore into hers, and she almost blushed.

"Pretty please."

"Y-No. This coffee?" She pulled it up, showed it to him. "Black as your soul. And see?" She took a long drink from it, not succumbing to the urge to gag. "I'm drinking it. In front of you. And you're not."

He then, being the arsehole that he was, decided to play dirty. He suddenly pulled her into him, in what would look like a hug to any passerby. "I want that coffee, Valkyrie." His voice dangerously low. Eyes starkly boring into her own.

"Sure." She handed it to him before she even realised what she was doing. He immediately stepped away, turned, walked back to his side. She stood where she was, slightly dazed.

On the way, he took a sip and immediately spit it out. He turned, gave her a death glare that would made anybody else quake in fear. "It's as cold as my soul too. What,did you get this from friggin Antarctica?"

She smirked. "I got it for me. I like cold coffee."

"Then why were you trying not to gag each time you took a sip?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about. I had no intention of giving the cup to you anyway."

"Really?" That infuriating smirk again. "You gave it to me really easily when I.. asked."

He threw the cup away, and got in. She glared at him, scowling. "I hate you." He smirked. "Don't worry about it. I'm practically irresistible." She sent one of her shadows to skewer his face. His showed up out of nowhere, batted her's away with ease. "Now get in."

She got in, feeling a sense of repeated Déjà Vu. A sudden realisation struck her. This happened every time he wanted something. And he always got it. He seduced it out of her. Every. Damned. Time. He'd been playing her for years. Oh. My. God. The bastard.

"What?"

She turned to him, still glaring. "What do you mean, what?"

"You have that look on your face."

She frowned. "What look?"

"The one where you figure out some secret of the universe that everybody else already knew long before you."

She raised an accusing finger at him. "You-you've been seducing me into doing your work!"

He nodded. "You realise this now? I've been doing it for years. I mean, I wondered why you hadn't caught on yet, but I'm not going to complain. I assumed your intellect was low."

She opened and closed her mouth like a fish. "You bastard."

He shrugged. "That's not what you said when you were doing all the filing for eight cases. Last month, if I recall."

She turned to look out the window.

"I hate you."

"I know. I love me too."

"Dick."