You don't know what you've got till it's gone…Up until few months ago I thought this was the stupidest phrase in the whole wide universe. I mean how can you NOT know? If someone is in your life, he or she is there because you care about them; you care enough to know that they are important. You care enough to know that they… you know that you need them to keep sometimes you… you just don't…


Tony Stark, Director of SHIELD, this is probably the most ridiculous thing I've ever had heard. Me? Director of SHIELD? You see, things change, and people change. I did. I changed into a person I don't know, or like. As I stare at the Potomac River outside the window I realize that I don't like the view.

I don't like the Potomac; I am so used in seeing the East River outside my bedroom window that the Potomac is not what I want to see, but I don't want to turn my head inside because the inside of the room is even more suffocating. Took us almost three years to have the Triskelion back up and running, too many hours in the hill kissing asses, too many… took us even longer to have S.H.I.E.L.D. re-founded. All of that for what? For, nothing apparently…

I close my eyes and I pretend I am back in NY, back in my lab, back in our tower. It's so peaceful there, even with all the people walking up and down, coming in and out the lab, talking walking on the glass floors, it's peaceful. I can almost see Bruce scrambling something down on his notebook, the coffee Pepper dropped for us before she left still there, a green and a red cup sitting sight by sight. My notes scrambled around my desk, my pens and pencils making a mess. "How do you work like that?" Steve was always wondering and I feel almost guilty for answering to him "It's the new way Rogers you wouldn't understand" I always messed with him, calling him pops, popsicle, gramps. I was pushing his limits day in and day out… and I guess, he broke. Or did he? I don't know what to think anymore. I suppose he broke, maybe… how knows, it's not like we are in speaking terms any longer.

A sharp knock on the door distracted me and I turned my eyes inside again. It hurt. This was Coulson's office, even though he just had been in this office for less than a day before everything went straight to hell. Still this was his office.

"Come in" Bruce opens the door and slides in, he is worn out, tired, lost… I've never seen him like that.

"Steve is ready for transfer to the fridge, would you like me to do anything?" I curse under my breath; today… today was the day that Captain Rogers would meet his final house. The fridge, first old S.H.I.E.L.D. facility Coulson restored. Now the same facility was going to hold his favorite hero.

"No, we're good, make sure the security is top notch"

"Steve won't try an escape you know that" I raise my head and look straight in Bruce's eyes, he is taken aback, I guess he didn't expect me crying, who knew that Tony Stark had a heart.

"That's not what I'm afraid. Long time ago, when we first became 'the Avengers' Steve made promise that if something happened, someone from the team was in danger, and he couldn't help, I would protect them, I failed, for Natasha, Clint, Coulson… even for you, I failed, I'm not fail for Steve, he is still in the eye of the storm, people don't like him because of his surrender, other because of his ideas, but I'm not going to fail him. I failed to protect my team-mates, I'm not going to fail him too." Bruce nodes his head, "Have you visited him?" he asks.

"No" he chuckled and I looked away, "I guessed so" I looked at my friend, he looks so much older "have you?" I asked him, I knew he did, I am after all he director of this place.

"You know I did" I sit on the chair unwillingly; I wonder why it's so uncomfortable, was it always like that? The one at home wasn't.

"He looked… defeated, tired, you'd think he had seen it all, in all those years on earth but…I guess he didn't. You should have visited him" I look down at the floor in shame, the last time I met with him face to face wasn't…

Flashback

Everything around me is on fire, even my soul. I look around trying to find captain, Steve, trying to find Steve, but I can't , I know he hasn't given up, I know he is here around, it's not in his nature to give up, walk away from a good battle. I also know that he is good, so I make sure to double check any alley before I enter. "So you haven't fled" I heard his voice and I turn to face him "Not a coward, I leave that to you" my words stink, I can see it in the way his mouth twitches, in the way his eyes dull a bit. "Please don't make me do this" he pleads, nice, I want him to.

"There is nothing except this!" this is the only way to peace, to justice, I know, I am right! "Cap look, I'm not asking you to surrender, I'm asking you to listen! Put down your shield, stop fighting, hear me out!" I see his jaw clenching he is considering, please God make him consider. I know I said to the congress I'll do whatever I can to get to the Winter Soldier but actually kill Steve? I am not sure I can do that. "America gave me that shield, I'll surrender it when I'm dead!" I see him getting in position and I know that he made up his mind; I duck just in time to avoid his shield hitting me straight in the face and close the helmet. "Don't tell me I didn't try!"

We were fighting for at least ten minutes (to me it seemed like ten hours) my armor was starting to fail (that's what I'll later say) but in reality I'm getting tired, oh so tired. With one last blow I'm on the ground and I can see him standing above me, his shield raised ready to strike again, I open the helmet, I want to see him one last time with my own eyes, if I'm going to die by his hands at least I want to look in his eyes as I do.

"What are you waiting Steve?" I question will he realize the favor he will do to me by killing me? "Finish it!" I see him freeze and he stops. I release a breath I didn't knew I was holding "Steve?" I breath his name without realizing it. He stands up and lets the shield fall from his arm "I'm not going to fight you, you are my friend" I get chocked by a sob that will never leave my lips and I clumsily get up to see him walking back in the main road with his arms raised to the sky. He surrenders?

"Captain what are you doing? They'll throw us all in jail if you surrender now!" Pietro, always trying to reason with everyone.

"We were beating them Cap! We were winning back there!" That's Sam, I managed to get up and take a few steps.

"We were winning everything except the argument! We were supposed to fight for the people and the right thing Sam, but it's not what we're doing anymore, we're just… just fighting!" I reached at the end of the alley just in time to see him kneeling on the ground stating his name and serial number. "I surrender" his voice echoes in the whole block. The officers arrest him and the rest of his team, whoever is still standing; I wait hidden in the shadows until the road is empty before I break down, before I crash down to the ground

"Tony, here is Bruce someone activated the launch codes for our weapons system, they targeted a building, Franklyn and Calyer Street I can't stop it!"

My suit was straining as I was pushing my limits to get there in time "Bruce, go there, warn civilians! Now!" I almost scream in my com, I and Bruce both know that it's not to each other, I'm not angry at him, not anymore. I am angry at the world, and at myself, how could I trust S.H.I.E.L.D. Fury, with codes to my weapons' system, how could I be so foolish!

"I'm on my way!" I pass the Brooklyn bridge and look down trying to find the street Bruce said, I know it's almost across from the tower. But what was I looking for? A residential building, an office building, or maybe a construction site what was it?

"FRIDAY search for life signs in the building!"

"Right away sir!" I see in front of my eyes 6 heat signatures in the building, my heart went to my stomach "FRIDAY, can you detect the DNA?" I know this building, suddenly I recognize it, it's just a street away from Steve's birthplace.

"No sir, but the building in registered in Captain Rogers' name" I am so close, so close to the building when I saw the missile it was a small range highly specific, my design, it's going to take down the block. Small victory the block contains only of this building, the rest are just construction sites for future possible residential buildings.

"We got civilians inside, 6" I tell Bruce, he is piloting the quinjet

"I can get them out!" he says, I am too selfish, too selfish to let him, "I just lost almost all of my friends today I'm not loosing you too Bruce!"

"Nothing can harm the other guy, he can get them out, it's worth a try!"

"Get in! FRIDAY, take over the quinjet" I see the Hulk walking in the building but at the same time I see the missile hitting it, I know it's a lost cause, everyone inside is dead, well everyone but the Hulk, 6 more people dead because of me, because I couldn't act as an adult, because I'm a failure, because I'm worthless. Because I'm… me.

"It still haunts you?" Bruce knows, he knows why I didn't visit Steve, last I saw him he surrendered himself to save people, and I got 6 more people killed. "You know it wasn't your fault" Bruce's voice is soft. He tried to make me feel better before, he knows it's not working and still trying. Such a good person, such innocence.

"Yeah right!" I turn to face away from him, back to the damned river. "I really hate the Potomac"

"I know right? It's too… green" I look at Bruce, a mischievous smile on his face.

"How was he?"

Flashback [Bruce's POV]

"Good morning sir" an agent stands at attention, how weird is that?

"Good morning, where is Captain Rogers cell?"

"This way sir" I notice the agent he can't be older than twenty five, how did he got in this mess? Why?

"Well well, look who came!" Steve's bitter voice rings through the almost empty room. I look around at the temporary holding cell, just a bed, a toilet and a blanket, the US Government is not so font of him I see.

"I came to see how you are captain"

"Haven't you heard doc. I'm not a captain anymore. I was dishonorable discharged."

"I am sorry to hear that. I really am" Steve raises his eyes, they were bloody red.

"Do you think the fact that I'm in here means you and Stark won?" what is he trying to do? Is he trying to hurt me? Apparently Tony was right, he truly does hates us.

"As a matter of fact yes, that's exactly what it means" I know, deep inside me I know that there are no winners and losers in this battle, we fought and hurt each other, friend turned against friend. There is no way to win in this, but almost selfishly I want to hurt him, just as much as he hurt me. "Look, all in all you have to see this from my point of view before you judge my choices. I can't have a normal life, I can't have a relationship, you have Sharon, you had someone there, who wasn't afraid of you, you could sleep with them at night and you weren't afraid that you'll kill them because of a nightmare. I lost Betty because of who I am, because of what was done to me. I became a monster; they made me a monster because they wanted to create supersoldiers, because no one was there to control them. I am a monster and no matter how many times I save the world I'll still be a monster. I can't have a family!… What's so wrong with knowing how many people are in the index? We need to know them, Hydra had access to their names, all those people would have been valuable assets to the Avengers, maybe one day inherit the team or threatening enemies. Hydra was brainwashing them! THEY WERE BRAINWASHING THE, STEVE! TURNING THEM AGAINST US! AGAINST THEIR FRIENDS! YOU SAW THE TWINS and I was so many others. I wanted to show you too, you wouldn't let us. Clint, Maria they saw that. I saw them turning their guns against friend and shooting to death with a second thought, I saw them freezing people, breaking them into thousand pieces, burning S.H.I.E.L.D. agents to the ground because they lost control of their selves. There are teleporters out there, others than Trip, other we don't know about, they can break into anywhere and out of it they want to, or are told to. They can walk into the White House and kill the president, into a SHIELD secure base and steal government secrets, SSR files that are not in the online system. Steal Tesseract weapons, anything and everything Hydra tell them, can you imagine that?"

"Even if what you say it's true who made you thing this was your job to do. Who made you and Stark the moral compass of all of us? How could you sit down with all those people? Tell me Deputy Director Banner, WAS IT WORTH IT?" I'm taken aback by his loud voice. "WAS IT?" I see the guards coming in "We're good" they don't believe me, "Go" but I know they are not going to defy a direct order by the deputy director of SHIELD.

"I don't know, I honestly don't know. I hope it was but I can't know, all I know is that I'm sorry it came down to this. I'm sorry… I still consider you a friend despite everything"

"That's how you treat your friends." Again trying to hurt me, he's trying again.

"Is there anything I can do for you? Anything?"

"Make sure Sharon is ok. That bastard Ward didn't do anything to her." Sharon was rescued a day before Steve surrendered and was in a hospital wing since then.

"I will, I'll have her transferred to SHIELD's medical, so I can keep an eye on her."

"Thank you" his eyes soften a bit, he is tired, I never thought I'll see him tired. He was always so energetic…

"I am really sorry it came down to this" I got up to leave, I reached the door when I heard his voice, so soft almost like a whisper "So am I Bruce"

Back to Present Day [Tony's POV]

"That's what you came to ask me isn't it?"

"If it's possible"

"Sharon is SHIELD agent, I'll give the order."


"Natasha!"

"How dare you come here after everything you told me last time?" Clint lowers his head

"I am sorry Nat, after Loki, I know I wasn't myself. I shouldn't have… I know you aren't heartless, I know that, but I never… I had pushed Laura and the kids, their deaths… I pushed them in the back of my head for so long, I almost forgot they existed, I forgot about the young carnie that met the tiger girl and left the circus with her. Loki brought all that back, he picked them, twisted them, he made me see their deaths again and again, he made me… even… that you killed them. Doctor said everyone reacted different to the mind gem control. I guess… I wanted them to be alive, because then, maybe I wouldn't have failed them, and maybe I wouldn't have failed you too. Who knows? It's your life, your body, your choice; I don't blame you not wanting that baby. I blame myself not being there and I do blame you not telling me. No matter what you should have told me, I would be there with you." Natasha tried to speak but Clint silenced her "I don't care what the doctors told you, you should have told me. We don't lie to each other. We are a team, you and me, we are a team ok?" he takes her face in his hands and leans towards her, his forehead touching hers softly.

"We are a team" she is crying softly, small tears rolling down her cheeks like diamonds. Because against popular believe Natasha Romanoff does have feelings, she does cry and bleed.

"I'm sorry Nat, I'm so sorry!" The two of them were standing, foreheads touching, his hands on her face, her hands on his arms, eyes closed tears rolling down their faces.

Just standing…

Standing and holding each other close.


[Sharon's POV]

I am lying on the bed in medical unwillingly. I don't like it here, I need to leave, I need to find Steve, I have to warn him, kill him, no I have to protect him, I love Steve, I have to protect him!

You have to kill Steve Rogers, you'll kill Steve Rogers!

No! Shut up, No!

You have to kill him!

"I love him…" Bruce Banner is walking outside my room, if I tell him about my head, the voices, he'll help, he knows how, he'll help, he will

No one can help you now!

He comes in he will, he'll help.

"Hey" he is starring at the floor nervous, "Are you feeling any better?" Yes you are

"No, I'm not, I'm… sometimes I don't know who I am" I admit please let him know what I mean. He walks towards my bed and sits silently in a chair next to me; his hand reaches for mine, which sits limplesly on the bed "Sometimes, when we feel like we've lost ourselves, the best way to get them back is to remind ourselves who we are, You are Sharon Margaret Carter, you are an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. , an ally to Captain America, you love Steve Rogers, you are a friend of Natasha Romanoff, you hate Tony Stark-"

"I don't, I don't hate Tony, that's not real" I say, suddenly things are clearer in my mind, the fog is lifting "My name is Sharon Margaret Carter, I am an agent of SHIELD, an ally to Captain America, I'm in a relationship with Steve Rogers, a friend of Natasha Romanoff, Maria Hill and Melinda May, I grew up in New York, Tony Stark and Antoine Triplett were my childhood friends, I was held by hydra, I am an enemy of Hydra." As I speak the fog lifts more, the voices silent and breath in relieve,

"Feel any better now?" his voice is concerned, he cares and I wonder how much he hurts with this turn of the events.

"I am, everything is clearer now." A small smile lights his tired features and he runs a hand through his hair "Every time you feel like losing control remind yourself who you are."


"No Maria you don't understand! The index was a secret for a reason! To protect the people in it!"

"How did this protected Donnie Gill from Hydra? Or Chan Hon Win and Mike Peterson from Centipede? Or even better, how did this protect the agents in the sandbox from Donnie Gill? The index being a secret from the US Government was probably the biggest mistake Fury had ever made!"

"Oh, so now you're against Fury, because I remember couple years ago you were willing to put our marriage on the line for him"

"Do not bring that up!" Maria's eyes widened she really thought they had put this behind them, she honestly never thought he would bring that up right now "I came here to explain to you why I stood with Tony, but are too DEAF to HEAR it, or is it just me?" Coulson turns his head away, why does she always have to play the guild game? "Alright I get it, you don't want to hear me, I was such an idiot believing you when you said we could make it work! Of course we can't, you haven't forgiven me for TAHITI have you? You were willing to forgive everyone else, Fury, May, but not me. You were ok forgiving everyone who was in the program from the day you died but not me who didn't knew until a week before your last operation. Classic! It's always the wife's fault isn't? Or is it maybe just my fault because I'm not good enough to do anything? Why don't you answer to me?" Phil turned to see her, her eyes glassy, of course, of course he made her cry again, apparently that's all he is good at doing these days. "I don't blame you, and I don't think that it's your fault, but I'm not married to May or Fury, they are my friends they lied to me and betrayed me but I didn't swore to be with them in sickness and in health for better or worse, till death do us part Maria, I took those oaths seriously your betrayal was worse, and I tried heaven knows I tried to look past it but I couldn't"

"Then I guess we should end it"

"I guess we should"


Sharon was walking down the street she felt the weight of her gun on her ankle, she wanted to go to Steve, she just wasn't sure if she should. Right now the voices were out of her head but for so long? What if as soon as she sees him the voices come back? What if she is not strong enough to fight them? She can't risk his life like that. She needs to protect him, at all costs.

She walks around the city trying to avoid the Triskelion at all costs. She knew that he was going to be transferred there before taking a quinjet to the Fridge. She was going to visit him there when she is better. Not now because what if the voices are back? It's almost time though. It's almost time; he probably is close to the Triskelion by now. She might be able to see him but this will be her last chance to touch him, to hug him. She can't lose that opportunity, so her step fastens and she walks towards the place she avoided for so long. A small voice in the back of her head tells her not to do this. She needs to stay away from him, but the itching in her hands for his skin is by far more loud and urgent than the voice. She needs to see him up-close, sure Tony won't stop her. He knows what he means to her because he means just as much to him.

She reached the Triskelion much faster than she expected, apparently she wasn't that far away after all. He is there, just got out of the van, right there.

"Steve!" her voice pierced the air between them, she was pushing through the crowd to get close to him, his eyes were wide, he looks around trying to find her because Steve knows, he always knows her voice.

"Steve!" she screams his name once again and waves her hand trying to signal to him where she is.

"Sharon!" she hears him shout her name again, his voice is hoarse, why?

"Steve, I'm here! I'm here!" she pushes through the last people standing between her and him, but before she can reach him before her arms had even a chance to wrap themselves around him like a protective shield the sound of three gunshots rip the air and fill her ears.

Sharon looks around her, searching, looking for a shooter and then looks down at her own hands to see if maybe she was the shooter. If the voices took over before she even had a chance to stop it.

But her hands were empty the gun was still strapped to her ankle she was still herself. If it wasn't her then who was it? Bobbi looks around trying to find where the shoots come from and Sharon looks where Steve was supposed to be standing. But he is not there. He is on the ground with blood, so much blood, gushing out of him. He is bleeding.

"Steve!" she runs, this time she really runs to him and kneels to the pool of blood next to him from somewhere in her right Hunter screams on top of his lungs, "Rogers is down! Where the hell is the fucking sniper?" Sharon repeats his name like a prayer, again and again.

"Help us! Someone call help!" Sharon screams through her tears, when did she start crying? She had no idea.

"Sharon, the… the crowd" Steve was trying to speak, but blood was filling him mouth,

"Shh" Sharon tried to silence him, his hand reached for her.

"No, get them… to… safety" his words were coming out slower and slower. Sharon moved his head to her lap and tangled her fingers in his hair

"Don't worry about them Steve, the agents will help them" he coughs and blood splits from his mouth rolling down his chin

"No more innocents hurt… promise"

"Don't worry Steve, just hold on, paramedics are on their way" Sharon places a soft kiss on his forehead while stroking his hair softly, why was she here?

Kill him, Kill Steve Rogers! Her eyes widen when she hears the voices in her head again.

No, my name is Sharon Margaret Carter, I'm an agent of SHIELD, an ally to Captain Rogers, I love Steve, I'm in a relationship with him, I want him alive and well! I love him.

"I love you" she says and his smile lights up the moody sky.


"You need to go to a date Rogers!" 'Oh, God!' Steve thinks 'Not again!

"Can you please drop it Romanoff, we are on a mission, did I commented on the fact that you and Banner have been doing the horizontal tango for the last few months?" Steve sees Natasha's eyes widen and then close. Something is wrong, "I and Bruce are not…. We never were together. It was… I'm married." Steve looked at her in shock "I didn't knew, why who?" Natasha turns her head away and starts walking to the other direction "With someone who doesn't remember it" she says before she disappears around the corner. Everything makes sense suddenly in his head. Why Natasha was so comfortable in Clint's farm, why she knew before everyone that something was wrong with Clint, why she looked so hurt each time he left the tower to go home. Why she didn't reacted at all in the sight of Clint talking to an invisible woman. She knew beforehand that Laura, wasn't there. That the kids he was so proud of were just pictures hanging on the walls of a disserted home.

Clint Barton was married just not to the woman he thought he was. 'Everyone reacts to the mind gem differently.' Eric Selvick's words make sense now, he wasn't talking about himself. And why would Natasha care about the effects of the Mind Gem control. Steve took a step back as if an invisible hand pushed him back. How had he missed that?

He looked around at the almost destroyed streets of Sokovia, they've been here for about three days, other agencies offered help. He hoped that maybe… just maybe the CIA will offer. Of course the only left standing spy organization didn't have time to deal with rebuilding and helping people in the other side of the Atlantic, still somehow childish but he hoped he will see her. Steve knows it's all just a stupid fantasy, he doesn't even know if she feels anything at all for him, the kiss they shared that night before Fury got shot in his apartment could be a part of her cover, and after all times change, people these days share a kiss without feeling anything about the person they share it with. It's not the 40s any longer.

If that's the case though why can't he get her out of his head?


The ambulance was racing to the hospital Sharon was holding Steve's hand, the paramedics have tried to pull her away from him but she wouldn't, couldn't leave him.

"Just hold on Steve, we are almost there." She used her right hand to draw circles in his palm while her left hand was tangled in his hair.

"My Sharon…" a small smile formed on his lips and she followed his lead,

"Shh, don't speak" he smiled a little bit wider and closed his eyes. "So beautiful, so smart… you take my breath away" Steve left a gasp and his head fell limply on the side.

"No! Steve!" Sharon's screams were silenced by the echoing sound of the flat line…


Tony's POV

Too often we don't realize what we have until after it's gone, because too often we are too stubborn to say 'Sorry, I was wrong, you were right'. And just like that, way too often it seems like we hurt the ones closest in our hearts, the people we love and need the most, and we let the most foolish things, tear us apart. Just because we didn't understood that we had everything we needed right there in our hands.