*AN: not Brit picked, un-beta'd. Say Something by A Great Big World. I don not own the Song or the Characters I only own the story line.
/this is an inner monologue/
((this is a flash back))
~these are song lyrics


Say something

~Say something I'm giving up on you.

/Two weeks ago. That case was two weeks ago. Why hadn't he woken up? He should have woken up by now. Shouldn't he?/

It was getting hard to think I was so worried.
/Why was I so worried? There was nothing be worried about right?
The doctors seem worried.
But doctors can have a lot of patients. One of them...
No no no you idiot they're worried about him they just don't know how to tell you.
SHUT UP!
It's true you know it is. Mycroft's protecting you. He thinks he can shield you.
I know
./

~I'll be the one, if you want me to.

This inner monologue was just making me feels worse. He looks so lifeless on the hospital bed.
/Maybe it's just the lighting that makes him look like that.
Really?
Yes yes I'm sure once he's out he'll look healthy again
./
And his monitors all look fine.
/He's just on pain meds that's all.
Why do you keep lying to yourself? You KNOW there's something wrong.
NO! He'll be fine. He has to be fine./

I am the only one in his room. Mrs. Hudson said something about sleeping at home. Lestrade was working a case. Mycroft was the British government, this was too mundane for him. Harry had probably drunk herself into a stupor...

Other than the doctors it was just me and I won't leave without him.

~Anywhere I would've followed you.

/what if he dies? What WILL you do then?
He won't die!
What if he does? What then?
He WON'T die!
Will you follow him?
What do you mean?
You've lost him once. But then you always knew you'd return. He won't return thought. If he dies then he's dead. No. Coming. Back.
He'll be fine! He was a soldier he's been through worse! He won't leave me.
We'll see./

I haven't left in days I'm sure I look like a right mess. Mycroft came, he started talking, wasn't paying attention, something about cleaning and being thrown out. I could care less.

/Maybe I will follow if he dies. After all I can't seem to bring myself to leave here and he's fine./

~Say something, I'm giving up on you.

Two months that case was two months ago and I know it's all my fault.


~And I am feeling so small.

Mycroft finally told me. Not that I hadn't already deduced it. It's so much worse to hear it even though I already knew.

Comatose

/What am I supposed to do now?
What if my blogger died? Or worse? What if he stayed like this forever? Lifeless and still, but with a beating heart?
I see you're succumbing to the truth.
NO! You're WRONG he'll be ok! He was to be!
And what if you're wrong?/

There's the question that's been bothering me. I'm not sure what I'd do if he died. Though I'm sure at the first sign of trouble Mycroft will put me under house arrest and watch me even more carefully.

/I don't know what to do please, wake up./

~It's was over my head

I started doing extensive research. What else can I do. He'd be mad if I turned to drugs and I don't want him to be mad. But I NEED to think about something! Anything to try to help. Maybe the research really would help.

The others came sometimes, they tried to talk to me. I never listened. I don't think they think he'll be ok. He will he has to be.

~I know nothing at all.

/Why is this so complicated? Shouldn't he just wake up?
No no no he's in a coma. No he won't wake up for a while. Might never wake up at all.
Why? Why won't he wake up? I don't understand!
Of course YOU don't understand you've always been soooo stupid.
I'm not stupid!
Yes you are. You're so stupid you can't see what's right in front of you. He'll die and there's NOTHING you can do about it./

Mrs. Hudson brought by some fresh flowers. I think she told me to eat more. I don't care.

/Why doesn't he wake up?/


~And I will stumble and fall.

Four months. Mrs. Hudson, Lestrade, and Mycroft force me to go home. They make me eat, and sleep, and give me cases. Why can't they just leave me ALONE! All I want is be alone, with him. Actually I just want him to wake up. I've decided to humor them. He'd would want me to.

Sometimes I forget, when I'm on cases, I'll just casually ask him to do something. I don't even realize until I see all their faces, these people who made it clear time and again that I'm a freak, the sadness. Even worse they feel bad because I don't even realize I did it. I usually leave after that, case unsolved, can't leave fast enough.

He NEEDS to wake up.

~I'm still learning to love

A few weeks ago is when I realized. I don't know why I didn't see it before. I'm more worried than the others, they all treat me like a widower. I just can't understand how I didn't see it before. Although Mycroft told me an expression once: Love is blind.

Love. That's what this is. Everyone could see it. I couldn't. I wish I never had because it only makes it worse.

I'm a highly functional sociopath I don't know HOW to love. But I do. I see it now, I love him so much it hurts. I know now that if he dies I WILL follow him. I'd be lost without my blogger.

~Just starting to crawl.

/Please please please please.
Oh begging now are we. And here I thought you were some great and powerful sociopath.
Shut UP.
Oh my my my. My dear tin man you DO have a heart. How precious.
You know what I DO care! I LOVE him!
Oh my. You know what brother dearest always said. "Care is not an advantage".
I don't care.
You just said you did.
I meant about what you said. I care about him.
Now let's remember what YOU once said. "Will caring help save them?" "Nope." "Then I continue to not make that mistake." Caring won't save him. Maybe it's your fault he hasn't woken up.
What do you mean?
Maybe he's hiding from you.
Why...?
He know how you feel but he doesn't feel the same way so he hides from you.
No you're wrong!
Am I? Are you SURE?/


~Say something, I'm giving up on you.

Lestrade is reassuring me that he'll wake up. The doctors say his mind is scared of what it will find when he does wake so it stays buried in his dreams. But he's not afraid, he can't be, he was a soldier, he's no coward. Though somehow I find it hard to convince myself.

/He's weak. Can't you see you always thought he was so strong but he's NOT. He was broken by war and no matter how much you thought you fixed him he will ALWAYS be a broken soldier. Then you took him on a case, that particular case, and you shattered his already shaky foundation. This time he's broken beyond repair. No second chances, he won't wake up, he'll die. And it'll break your heart. Then you'll see the error of your ways because Mycroft is right caring is NOT an advantage./

~I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.

/All my fault. All my fault. I shouldn't have taken him on that case. I should have known something was wrong and went looking for him. I should have... Should have.../

I fell asleep. Maybe I was tired. Maybe Mycroft had me drugged me. All I know is I woke up in a hospital bed myself. A private room away from him. I was strapped securely to the bed. Mycroft came I'm to tell me I fainted of malnutrition and if I did what the doctors said without insulting them, then when I was better he'd let me return. I agreed. I NEED to be with him.
/what if something happens and I'm not there? What if he dies and I can't ever see him again. Do you admit he's going to die? NO!/

~Anywhere I would've followed you.

/I wonder if Mycroft knows?
Knows what'll happen when he dies. Probably. I wonder what he'll do to me? Let me kill myself? Put me under heavy guard?
You know you admitted it.
Admitted what?
That he's going to DIE! I don't want him to die. I want... No. I NEED him to wake up. He will! He has to! He... He... He won't... will he?/

Three weeks after the whole malnutrition thing Mycroft let me back in. He looks worse then he did. Apparently I look better than I did. But he's so pale and small looking.
/He shouldn't look so frail. He was once so strong so brave he shouldn't... He can't... He needs to wake up. Please./

~Say something, I'm giving up on you.

One year. He's still not awoken. Or moved. Or shown any signs that he ever will again.


~And I will swallow my pride.

/You're right.
I know I am. I always am.
He's not waking up.
No he's not. What're you gonna do?
I'll stay. I'll die when he's gone.
Why not die now?
He's not dead yet.
You're a coward.
Yes. I am.
That must bruise your ego.
Oh shut up! He's not dead yet.
He will be.
.../

I cry openly. Why does it matter I'll die soon enough. Mrs. Hudson doesn't like to see me cry. She says it'll be ok. It'll be ok. Mycroft and Lestrade don't say that. They know it won't be. They know I know it won't be. They won't give me false hope. So I humor her. Mrs. Hudson will take this very hard. Her boys will die, I almost regret my decision. Almost.

~You're the one that I love

I love him.

I say it openly now. I tell them I love him. I tell him I love him. He can't hear me. He can't hear me.

Maybe I would have told him. If that case ended differently. But it didn't, and I'll never know what would've happened if he knew. Maybe it's better if he doesn't know, after all he's made it clear that he's "not gay". But maybe he would have tried. Maybe we could've been happy together.

But I'll never know. I want to know.
/please wake up. For me?/

~And I'm saying goodbye.

Sometimes I think I should say goodbye now. Kill myself before he dies.
/But what if he wakes and I'm not there?/
I'll still wait, once the monitor flat lines I'll leave. Never coming back. For now I watch. I stopped doing cases and Lestrade stopped bringing them. I eat when they badger me to. And when we're alone I tell him everything I never did. Even if he's not awake he needs to know I trust him. More than anyone. I trust him.


~Say something, I'm giving up on you.

A year and a half.

Harry dropped by today. She seemed sober. She told me that after the two year mark, if nothing happened, they'll take him off life support.
/No no no no nonononnono!/

Alarms started going off in my mind palace. He'll die without life support.
/Calm down you need to calm down.
Yes calm down you already knew he'd die.
Breath breath. Calm calm./

No life support. That doesn't change things it just tells me WHEN to die.
/Everything will be ok.
Well not ok, but exactly how you thought it'd be.
Right right. Breath. Ok/

~And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.

((The case. A psychopath was beating people to death. We split up to cover more ground. I didn't worry that he hadn't texted me. There was nothing to worry about. Until I heard the screaming. It's all a blur after that. I think I might have shot the murderer. He was lying on the ground, a pool of his own blood surrounding him.))
/I should have gone looking sooner. He wouldn't have been so hurt. He wouldn't have slipped into a coma. He wouldn't be dying now./

~And anywhere I would've followed you. Oh-oh-oh-oh

Two more months and they disconnect him. Two more months until he dies. I know he won't wake up. It seems like such an anticlimactic way to die. After all he's been through it feels like a joke! He was a soldier, he was shot, he was beaten held captive and tortured, he's going to die after two years in a COMA because they took him of LIFE SUPPORT! The injustice of it all is what hurts so much. He should go down in the battle field, not in a hospital because he won't wake up.

/You know you've gone through most of the stages.
What stages?
Denial, grief, anger. The stages of grief./

It'll be over soon.

~Say something, I'm giving up on you.

Two years ago today John Hamish Watson was admitted into a hospital in critical condition. He has since recovered from all physical injuries. He has not, however, gained consciousness or shown any signs of being close to gain consciousness. Today his friends and family say goodbye, he will be taken off life support and this most certainly will mean death. Now they begin.

First to say goodbye will be Harry. Then Mike, Mrs. Hudson, Lestrade, Mycroft, them me. I wanted to be the last. To be the last person to see him alive, as dead as he may look he IS still alive.

Harry leaves crying, no doubt on her way to get obscenely drunk.

Mike doesn't cry but he does look defeated. He'll be ok he's got a loving wife, two beautiful daughters, and a nice safe life.

Mrs. Hudson has a strange look of peace on her face and tears springing from her eyes. She hugs me and leaves. I almost feel bad for her, no more Baker Street boys.

Lestrade doesn't stay in there long. He doesn't cry but he'll probably also be drinking tonight. He doesn't leave when he comes out. He's either waiting for me or for Mycroft, I already deduced their relationship.

Mycroft spends slightly more time in there. Probably thanking John for what's he's done for me. When he comes out he looks as posh and uncaring as usual. Except a little emotion shows in his eyes. He and Lestrade leave. He says goodbye to me when he leaves. He knows, but he won't stop me.


~Say something, I'm giving up on you.

Now it's just me. I step in the room. He's so pale and thin.

"John." My voice cracks. "You're going to die today. You... You need to know." Breath. "I love you. More than anything. And wh-when you die today I'll go kill myself as well, to be with you. You were the best man, and brave, and... I needed you so much." Gasp. Breath. "You made me a better person and you were always caring about me. You showed me that caring, though not an advantage, was important. You were a soldier, and a doctor, and you ought to be made a saint. You put up with me like no one else..." His voice broke. "And please John one miracle. Just one. Please... Wake up... Please."

I turned and made to leave.

~Say something...

"Sh-Sher-Sherlock?"


**AN: in case it wasn't clear John woke up before Sherlock left. happy-ish ending for once!
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