First Day

You know, I'm a bit tired of these little ventures of mine. Here I am, minding my own business, (Playing with my coveted Moblin and Darknut action figures, of course.) when I'm suddenly slapped in the face, handed a shield, called "Susan" by an unknown force, and dumped into Hyrule again. Did I ever say I wanted to save Zelda? It's not like anything will happen to her! Ganon just sits there in his little room until I get there. Can you believe the nerve of whoever keeps teleporting me here? And this shield is so tiny! It's like the size of a lamp!

Link, sporting a manly green tunic, wandered around his little area of the map for awhile, getting used to not being able to move diagonally. It was a very frustrating experience for the lad. He did, however, stumble upon a hidden cave.
Link stopped walking and stared at the screen.
"Hidden? What are you talking about? There's a huge gaping hole in the wall!", said Link in agitation.
"Hey, who are you? Why are you telling people what I'm doing?"

Link looked away from the screen, continuing on to explore the hidden cave.
"Hey! Don't tell me what I'm doing! Who are you? What ar--"
Link looked away from the screen, continuing on to explore the hidden cave.

"IT'S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE!", breathed the Old Man wearing a brown robe, arms raised slightly in an odd pose, "TAKE THIS." The Old Man had a very bald head and a large white beard. He seemed to be smiling.
A brown stick appeared in front of the man, still posing and smiling. Link was still standing at the entrance. "Wait a sec, Old Man, I can't see the floor. Is there even a floor here? It's all black! Will I fall through? Doesn't black floor mean there's a hole there? Hey! Old Man!" The Old Man continued smiling at the scared youth in front of him. "Old Man? Hey, what's with the fire floating next to you? Isn't that a hazard? Well, I can't say you have much furniture..." The Old Man replied with a smile. Or was it a grin? "Hey! Old Man! Heeey! Are those letters above you flammable? Why are they all in caps? Heeey!"

Link continued to question the Old Man. The young hero refused to move until the Old Man answered him. Eventually, Link was frustrated, and started accusing the silent geezer of having the brain the size of an Octorok's, which eventually declined into insults thrown at the Old Man's mother and father, whom Link accused of being a Moblin and a Dodongo, respectively. Link did manage to conquer his paranoia and take the brown stick, but only to hit the Old Man with it. The Old Man responded by lighting our hero on fire, causing him to die a slow and painful death.

GAME OVER

"... You know what? I'm starting to hate this game."