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Confessions
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Being small is hard.
I mean,
Sure,
People like you more and stuff because you're so cute.
But that doesn't change
The fact that you're small.
I see Edward's rationality only on this level.
Everything else he did,
Made no sense to me.
But it wasn't my fault that I didn't know-
Envy only told me the bad things about Ed.
That he wanted to take my arm, my leg,
Leave me with
Nothing.
That he wanted to take Mommy away,
Since she used to be HIS Mommy.
That he wanted to take away the Red Stones in me,
So that I would be sent back to the Gate.
And since I'm so small,
I questioned nothing.
I just listened and let my anger grow.
And since I'm so small,
The anger didn't have much space to fill before I was
Saturated and
Nearly overflowing.
That's why Mommy died-
It was all my fault.
I was blinded by my small need to be loved,
My anger at not having what he had,
And I transmuted myself into Mommy.
Then she couldn't move.
Ed and Lust killed her.
I saw it with my own eyes.
Fiery violet eyes.
Red curtain.
Hate.
I don't remember much after that, really.
But when I came to my senses,
I saw Envy.
He was there.
I was there.
The Gate was there.
I don't remember much after that, either.
Except for the pain.
But one thing I vividly remember,
The one thing I will never forget:
Was Ed's death.
I used to see it,
When I closed my eyes.
I could only stare in stunned horror as Ed limply slid off of Envy's arm.
I was in pain,
But I knew I couldn't imagine what
Ed was feeling.
I tried to reach out to him,
But my one arm was propping me up
A few inches,
And my other arm had been taken back to the Gate.
No.
Not my arm-
Ed's arm had been taken back to the Gate.
His leg, too.
I guess that meant I was never destined to be human.
I can't remember what happened after that,
In the dance hall underground.
I only saw Ed's eyes dimming,
Even though I was
Yards away.
I can still feel his brother's shocked pain,
Even though I wasn't
Him.
Rose brought me to the surface.
I had stopped bleeding because of the Stones.
But I was weak.
Winry gave me automail.
That hurt too.
But it was physical,
Not mental.
So I was okay.
Al came back.
I had never seen him not in his armour.
He reminded me of what I had wanted to be,
When I thought I could be human.
Carefree, driven on by a desire unknown to him
To bring his brother back.
And secretly,
I wished I could help.
So when the time came that I could,
I didn't hesitate to tell Al to follow me into the depths of
The city.
We met Gluttony,
Deformed and insane.
'Pure' as Dante had said.
I didn't like it,
But I fought him so Al could realize what I had known all along:
I was going to die for what I had done to Ed.
His arm, his leg.
I had taken them.
I had to pay the price for his suffering.
I just didn't expect it to be so painful.
It was like getting automail attached eight hundredfold.
But I knew it would be over soon.
I told Al to transmute me and Gluttony,
His jaws clamped around my abdomen.
My ribs broken beyond repair,
My organs being ripped to pieces.
And yet, I was strangely calm,
Letting my pain take me into a land of peace.
I knew Mommy would be there.
My real mommy.
Gluttony's jaws cracked my ribs further,
And I knew I didn't have much time before I died.
But I didn't want to die-
I wanted to be transmuted.
So Al could be happy.
I screamed at him to hurry,
Lifeblood leaving my body fast.
He ran at me with a sob,
Clapped his hands together,
And I saw the Gate.
But I wasn't scared, vulnerable as I was.
It was friendly now.
It opened willingly,
Almost as if it were beckoning me inward.
Mommy appeared.
I hefted myself to my feet using my arms.
My arms.
My feet.
The limbs I was born with,
The things I lost into the depths of the Gate
When I took Ed's.
It had given them back,
Because I was part of the Gate now.
Mommy smiled at me.
I smiled back.
Her arms opened.
I walked into her embrace.
And I knew what it was like to be loved.
And…
For the first time in my life,
I…
I belonged.
