Hi, well those little spoilers that I woke up to this morning havent exactly filled me with happiness. If you don't want to know about hints of spoilers then I suggest you don't read on...

Just a few of my thoughts before my fic:

- I don't believe JP and Brendan will sleep together its been hinted so much that I just don't believe it (watch that come back to haunt me)

Anyway here we go:

Distraught

I have just made literally the worst decision of my life. Like seriously. I have just fucking punched the only person I've ever felt something for, would happily sacrifice my life for, the only person I love, straight in the fucking face. Why did I even do it? He only went to kiss me. I mean like I could have easily said 'no Steven you don't want this.' Ive said that before and he's walked away back to his happy life with Douglas. But for some reason I had to make it final this time. He was never to come back to me, never to want or need me in his life ever again. I had to make him hate me, for his own safety. I was bad news in the past and well to be honest I still am. Steven deserves better. He's the most amazing man I've ever met. The best dad that exsists on this planet, he dotes on them kiddies and they inevitably love him back. Everybody loves Steven to pieces, including me. But then the real Brendan Brady made an apppearance.

It's no excuse but I didn't want to hit him, but it was the only quick thinking idea I had to make sure he would leave me alone. I made a promise to God - 'let Steven live and I promise to leave him alone' what sort of idiot would that make if I returned Steven's advantages? Trust me when I say I wanted to, so much. I wanted to feel Steven close to me again. It's sort of like we fit together, made for eachother, he is my missing puzzle piece and I don't feel complete without him.

I'm crying so fucking hard right now, hyperventalating even. I fucking punched Steven! I punched Steven square in the face! And was the stupid fucking reason? To make him go back to Douglas. I hate myself right now. He aint ever gonna talk to me again is he?

I love him but I need to get away. I need to try and forget him, move on without him. It's gonna be hard but I need to do this for Steven and for myself really. I ruined everything, Steven aint ever gonna talk to me again. Lame excuse but I punched him for his own safety. I've got to get away before I ruin his life...