A Better Way To Sate Baozi Lust

After a battle. The five Sima Shi, Zhao, Wang Yuanji, Jia Chong, and Shi's bodyguard Fang Chi sat down at a tea house table, With blood all over their clothes and in total silence. Shi and Qi sat across from the three.

Jia Chong was beginning to peel an orange but suddenly Qi took the orange and stabbed a chop stick into it and squeezed the juice into Chong's tea cup with his hand. At this moment! Orange juice was invented by a lowly bodyguard.

By height and slender size, Qi was two inches taller than Sima Shi (Yep, he's six feet tall) Qi made him look short. Shi wondered why his father employed this tree to be his bodyguard? Was Sima Yi being cheap in the protection of his family? From his history that was possible. Fang Qi proved his worth in Sima Shi's eyes otherwise today. Meat bun wise.

[Three hours earlier. Wu Zhang plains]

Sima Shi thrusted through the battle field with his extra long rapier! After cutting off the heads of five peons and watching as blood spouted like a geyser from their neck stumps, He heard a high pitched battle cry and saw two medium sized giant four edged blades fly pass his head and cut a row of even more peons in half at the torso! He turned and caught the glimpse of Fang Qi who he abandoned at their HQ. For Qi's own survival.

"I will protect you! Lord Sima Shi! As promised!" Exclaimed the young bodyguard as his blades flew back into his hands.

"I don't need your protection! Go back to base and stay out of my way! This is D.W 8 stages not D.W 4!" Shi replied taking down a shu general with a musou attack.

"Oh, Really? My lord? This is D. W role play! Not four or eight! Everything is possible! This is the closest universe to D.W: Strike Force!" Qi thundered. Strike Force was on... crack! Believe it or not!

Annoying bitch Jiang Wei appeared out off no where (from Zhuge Liang's teleportation spell he casted on him which back fired on Liang and killed him but still sent Wei.) and tried to back stab Sima Shi. Fang Qi immediately acted and flung his star at Wei's pretty head but didn't cut his head off cuz a thing called PENNE-VOLENT[Yep, Italian pasta] (mithril) PLATE ARMOR ! Which reflects the criticals on swords and weapons of sharpness!

[Fun Fact: This was once Zhao Yun's armor and that is why he never received injuries in his life!]

"Hah! Hah! You think you can injure me? My penne-volence protects me!" Boasted the whiny voice of Jiang Wei.

"Your penne-volence is a load of crap!" Qi said coming to a dead lock with Jiang Wei, "With your attitude and voice... I bet you are a eunuch! Jiang Wei!"

"You smell like estrogen and blood! I believe you are a girl!" Wei replied back. Wei can smell women? Is that his special ability?

"I'm covered in blood!... You are smelling me? What are you? A dog?... Riding Zhuge Liang's leg!" Qi laughed in Jiang Wei's face.

"Never! Supreme chancellor would never let any dog do that to him!... You give the Simas blow jobs!" Jiang Wei defended meekly.

"Everybody in the {wei, jin} army has to give that to Simas... It's a requirement! I guess your sad cuz you don't have the junk for it!" The bodyguard is lying. They don't give those to Simas... Or do they?

Sima Shi glared at Fang Chi and remarked, "Qi! No, Conversing with the enemy!"

"In the old 'D.W: extremely Fictional Legends' there was always a battle of tongues before a fight!" Qi boasted. "Like the battle of superficial couples! Or jackass sisters!"

Suddenly a thunder wave blows Wei, Qi and Shi a few feet back and they land on the ground with Chi on top of Sima Shi and Wei flew away to who knows where...

"Zhao! Fool, What are you doing? Fang Qi! Get off of me! You imbecile!" Shi kicked Qi off, Who stands back up, a little ashamed, adjusting his armour.

"Sorry, Brother... I didn't see you there." Sima Zhao muttered thinking about the inherent consequences. Zhao isn't the brightest eldritch knight. 'I thought I saw a… Nevermind.' Zhao said to himself.

"You could have killed us! Where did Jiang Wei go to?"

"He just... Flew away..." Fang Qi gazed out into the distance.

"Ah, Good. Now we don't have to deal with him." Zhao cheered hoping not to piss off his bitchy brother.

"I agree. Jiang Wei is a nuisance." Shi acknowledged his brother's statement. "Everyone, Advance!"

To the north the group saw the pale figure of Jia Chong milking a peon of his blood into several buckets.

"Zhao, Why is your best friend draining shu soliders of their hemoglobin?" Shi asked in an asshole elder brother way.

"... He said something about painting the walls red in his house… or maybe he drinks it… or that time in a peasant village that cried CHIANG SHIH! cuz something attacked Chong but Luckly I killed it with a blue fire ball… possibilities…" Zhao was unsure… Don't blame him! His insight roll sucked.

"You are useless… Come on!" Shi began to advance once again but Zhao didn't move his ass, "Idiot! You have to help! I can't be the only one taking out the trash!"

"You said I was useless… So I will be useless, brother… I will just sit here until Yuanji or mother gives me food… I'm hungry… then I will help you." Zhao's reply only made his older brother even more frustrated.

Shi resisted the urge to kick his baby brother even though their parents wouldn't give a crap. Sima Yi would encourage him to. "Zhao! In case if your dense brain hasn't figured it out we are in the middle of a BATTLEFIELD!"

"Oh, It seems like your original character body guard is protecting us! We will be fine brother! Come sit and eat some baozi!" Sima Zhao sat on the ground and took out a whole bag of meat buns. The fluffy wheatness tempted Shi and he couldn't resist!

"Where did you find these?" Meat buns rolled in Shi's eyes.

"If you haven't noticed older bro! These floating baozi are littered upon the battlefield! If we hoard these on easy mode… We will get rich! And will never suffer from baozi withdrawal." Zhao revealed.

"We will have an endless supply! I knew you had some use in you, My son! Let's go get the levitating baozi! So Zhang Chunhua doesn't have to cook the diarrhea inflicting hot pockets that she calls baozi!" Emerged a air suspended Sima Yi with his horse whip.

"You stay here! Zhao and beat the hell out of Jiang Wei. I'm better than you at finding baozi! Let's go! Father!" Sima Shi followed their levitating father to some distant place on the map.

Fang Qi stopped killing people and asked Zhao a question, "Why is your dad? Levitating?"

"Maybe it was the meat buns he has aten over his life time that had given him such an ability…" Zhao wondered and tried to take a bun but sadly his dad and bro took the bag with them.

"Oh… Wait! Lord Sima Shi! If you eat too much of baozi you will get the ability to levitate!" Qi chased after Shi. "Levitation and heart disease isn't the best combination!"

"What is better to eat other than baozi?" He asked Qi. There was NOTHING better than baozi! The Mac Donald's food of ancient china.

"Rice, veggies, a little chicken,and a flask of wine!" Qi exclaimed happily.

"You are going to cook it?"

Wang Yuanji and Zhang Chunhua arrived at Sima Zhao's sitting position. "Zhao get your ass up." The two said together.

Suddenly Xing Cai rode by atop of her shield. She tried to slash Wang Yuanji but the french-chinese girl kicked Xing Cai's shield and the shu girl rode air bound until falling face to the ground.

EPIC FAIL!

"Where did your father and brother go to Zhao?" Chunhua inquired.

"Baozi hunting."

"After this worthless battle… I was going to make baozi as a reward for good work." Zhao's mother pouted.

"Father said that your baozi was diarrhea giving." Zhao exposed.

Chunhua was angry but she refused to show it, "Ahh, So that is what he thinks about my cooking…"

Chunhua was going to have her revenge! Laxative wise! Upon her imbecile husband.

A spear flew at the three. Zhang Chunhua and Wang Yuanji dodged it with ease. Zhao only had to move his lazy ass to the left.

"Zhao Yun? You are supposed to be dead! Didn't your killer wife kill your lazy and uncaring pathetic self?" Chunhua said to the new comer.

"I am a dragon! I can live for thousands of years! Weak mortal!" Zhao Yun turned into a jade colored dragon!

"Holy shit! I'm getting out of here!" Sima Zhao began to run until Wang Yuanji tripped him.

"Zhao, We are going to slay this dragon, Together! I call upon you primal ice goddess of forgotten name!" She said turning into her demigod mode. A pretty blonde ice fairy. Ice and light emitted off of Yuanji. Everything that was inanimate turned to ice.

"Damn, Yuanji."

"In that case... I shall do the same… Death flower! Make up!" Zhang Chunhua began her transformation. She turned into a goddess with long wavy hair and a revealing tight dress (not the hookah dress.) of purple velvet and black vinyl. The darkness element caused everything around her to wither and die.

"Mother!"

Both mother and daughter in law began their battle against dragon Zhao Yun. Throwing ice and threads of darkness.

"Zhao! Get your sorry ass here and help your mom." Chunhua pleaded.

"Fine, Mother. I call upon the patron of the sacred blue flame! Lend me your fury!" He transformed. Wearing flowing and glowing blue robes and armor with blue fire on the edges. His hair longer and a bit more of a mess. Imagine Zhao as a character from Street Fighter. Nah, That would be wierd as well.

"Time to die! Little dragon!"

[ A/N: I had problems with hot pockets! In the past where I would get a horrible case of you know what. What do they put in that crap? Genetically modified food is not good for you! Remember! People! Pre-made U.S food is bad! ]