A/N: this was originally intended to be a part of Violet Sunrise, but it didn't really fit. however, i thought it helped explain Edward's characterization in Violet Sunrise, so I'm publishing it as a sort of prelude. the events of this one-shot occur prior to that story, before Ebony left Edward.
also, i decided to have esme be an AU version of herself! thanks for reading, R&R!
A Moment Like This
Edward walked into his house wearing nothing but a loincloith crafted out of Michael Buble's stretched out foreskin.
"Welcome to my humble abode," he said, pulling in Ebony behind him. Ebony's long black hair trailed behind her like the saggy skin of a Biggest Loser contestant who had just lost 500 pounds exploded from a full body Spanx.
"Wow," she said, "Your house is amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing."
"Thanks. I stole it from Ted Williams, the homeless guy with a golden voice," he said, flipping his eyebrows over his shoulder presumptuously.
"Edwardium!" shouted a voice in a British accent. An old woman glided down the stairs. She was regal looking; atop her head sat a diamond encrusted fanny pack. Her dress was sewed entirely of fanny packs.
"Mom!" shouted Edward.
"Why, is that Ebony?" exclaimed Edward's mom, "Why I haven't seen you since Galaxar was the queen of the fourth dimension!"
"I know!" squealed Ebony, "You look fabulous, Clytoris!"
"Well, you know," Clytoris twirled and various fanny packs flew from her body and hit Edward in the nipples. "I like to infuse my skin with banana bread and the pubes of Marilyn Manson."
"Well you look absolutely faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabulous," said Ebony.
"Now, Edwardium, why did you stop bringing this around?" admonished Clytoris.
"Edward!" Edward shouted indignantly, "My name is Edward! No one calls me Edwardium unless they want to get their ass kicked!"
"Edwardium!" exclaimed his mother, shocked, clutching at her pearls.
Edward then began to beat his mother with fervor. His fists flew in rapid succession, landing on her body with resounding crunches. When she tried to get up off the floor, he elbowed her sharply in the nose. Blood gushed all over her face. As she groaned and moaned, he got up onto the couch and body slammed her, leading with his sharp-ass nipples and his battle cry, "Nipple flames of Gilgamesh!"
Silently, Edward made his way back over to his lover Ebony.
"So," he said, "You wanna get out of here?"
"Wait," she said.
Then she tugged off his loincloth and they had passionate sex on the floor next to Clytoris's broken body.
