It was New Year's Eve and James had been invited to Logan's and Carlos' place for a party. He didn't want to go. He knew Kendall was going to be there and the blond was the last person James wanted to see. He was almost a no-show but, of course, Logan wouldn't allow that. The smaller brunet came over to his apartment and dragged him out by the ear, ignoring James' cries of protest and pain. James loved Logan like a brother but he hated him just as much. He knew the shit James and Kendall went through. He and Carlos had been there with him through it all and yet, he couldn't spare James' feelings.
The brunet stalked into the bathroom the second he stepped into the apartment and stared at himself in the mirror, willing himself to be strong. He couldn't break down if he saw Kendall. He wouldn't allow that. He was stronger than that. He took several deep breaths before exiting the confined space and as soon as he came out of the bathroom his eyes fell on Kendall.
They always did in a crowded room.
And he hated that.
The anger, the resentment, and the hatred all seemed to vanish in that single moment. 5 years. It's been 5 fucking years and Kendall still looked so heartbreakingly gorgeous. 5 years of misery James went through and it just vanished in the blink of an eye.
Why?
Why did Kendall have this effect on him and why the fuck couldn't he move on already? It's been 5 goddamn years. He should have moved on a long time ago.
But looking at Kendall he knew why he couldn't move on. Not when his heart belonged solely to the blond.
The blond looked up, feeling James' eyes on him, and pursed his lips. James just shot him a look and turned away, grabbing a bottle of vodka off the counter and chugging it down.
"James, don't do this." Carlos, who showed up out of nowhere, said as he tried to take the bottle away from his best friend.
"I wouldn't be doing this if your damn fiancé left me alone."
This time the Latino snatched the bottle out of James' clutches, causing the brunet to glare at him.
"Move on, James." Carlos said gently. "He's moved on. He even brought a date. Don't let him do this to you."
Date? He brought a date? James looked up and sure enough, there was a brunette hugging Kendall by his waist. The blond had his arm around her as he whispered things into her ear that made her laugh.
James' stomach dropped. So what if it's been 5 years since they broke up? So what if it James was still in love with Kendall? So what if Kendall moved on?
It wasn't like he was waiting for them to get back together, not after the way shit went down.
That was a blatant lie.
There was a tiny part of him that wanted to get back together with the blond, regardless of what happened. He just wanted to be with Kendall more than anything but it seemed as thought Kendall didn't feel the same.
James had just assumed that Kendall would be miserable just like he was. Was he ever wrong. Kendall was done pinning. He didn't care about James anymore, not the way James still cared about him. In a way, he never actually did.
The small glimmer of hope James had disappeared.
He saw Kendall and his date moving towards him. He swallowed thickly and made sure not to panic or bolt. He couldn't let Kendall see that he was still miserable, still pinning over him. Carlos softly patted him on the back before walking away.
"James,"
"Kendall," James said tightly.
"How are you?"
James shrugged. "Could be better."
Kendall winced.
"I'm Janina." Kendall's date smiled.
And I don't give a shit.
"Nice to meet you." James said politely. "Are you two dating?"
Janina smiled brightly and nodded. "4 years and going strong."
4 years? 4 fucking years? Kendall managed to move on a year after they broke up? How the fuck? Did he even feel anything for James? Because one year after breaking up is not long, especially after all the shit the two have been through. They've been through fucking hell and back together. This time he didn't bother hiding his emotions. He blinked slowly, pursed his lips, and nodded stiffly.
"4 fucking years, huh? I need a goddamn drink." He scoffed and stalked away from them.
He grabbed a bottle of beer off a counter and stood out on the balcony, Kendall joining him shortly after.
"You moved on pretty quickly." Was the first thing out of James' mouth.
Kendall just snorted. "As if you didn't fuck the first thing in sight the night we broke up."
James shook his head and looked out over the city. Sure, the brunet had a reputation to maintain but he didn't feel like lying. It felt like some kind of contest to see who can hurt each other more and as much as Kendall had hurt him, he didn't want to hurt the blond. He never wanted to hurt the blond, even if it meant destroying his own pride and dignity. But it's not like Kendall didn't know every embarrassing detail about him anyway.
James looked down and smiled sadly, "I haven't been with anyone since you," he replied honestly.
"You're fucking with me."
"I wish I was."
"Are you telling me you haven't slept with anyone for 5 years?"
James nodded. "I'm telling you exactly that."
"I don't believe you." Kendall said. "You could never keep it in your pants. You are always looking for a good fuck."
There was so much he wanted to say to the blond. He spent the last 5 years thinking about the things he would get off his chest when he would finally came face to face with his ex but the words that came out of his mouth weren't the words he had planned at all. It was his heart that decided to take over.
James turned to look at him. "I was looking for a good fuck before we happened. I love you, Kendall, and I always will, despite what you might believe. It might have been easy for you to forget me but not for me. I've tried so fucking hard to move on but I can't. Every single time I find someone attractive on the street I tell myself that I should go flirt. Maybe they'll help me overcome the heartache you caused me but when I work up the nerve all I can think is that they're not you. No one will ever come close to you and the effect you have on me."
Kendall stood there silently but from the way he was shaking and holding on to the railing so hard his knuckles were white, James could tell that he was trying incredibly hard not to break down. The blond rapidly blinked but James saw a few tears roll down those perfect cheekbones. He resisted the urge to reach out and wipe them away.
"You can't do this to me." Kendall said dejectedly. "You can't ruin what I have with Janina. I won't let you."
"If you love her; I have nothing to ruin."
Kendall whipped his head around and glared at James. "Screw you, James!"
"No, screw you, Eyebrows." James said calmly, making Kendall flinch. "At least you have someone to make you forget about me. At least you can go home to someone. I can't because of what you've done to me. I can't look at a person without wishing it was you. I can't even go a day without thinking about you. You've ruined me, Kendall. You've destroyed me and I can't do shit about it."
"Don't act like the fucking victim, James!" Kendall retaliated. "You caused me just as much pain if not more."
"I wasn't the one who cheated." James retorted, his voice breaking just slightly.
Kendall looked away, guilt clouding his features. "I said I was sorry."
The brunet shook his head. As hurt as he was, this felt like closure. They hadn't spoken since the whole scandal 5 years ago and they were finally getting things off their chest.
The fucked up thing was that it wasn't James who ended it. It was Kendall. James wanted to work things out. He was ready to forgive Kendall because it meant that he wouldn't lose his best friend. But Kendall didn't feel the same. James even tried to contact Kendall but the blond blatantly ignored him. He eventually gave up trying to fix things, not having the energy or the patience to deal with more heartbreak.
He didn't even care why Kendall did it. He didn't even want to know what forced his best friend to cheat on him, not when James had been nothing but faithful to him. The past 5 years had drained so much of his energy that he just didn't want to think about it anymore. And thankfully for him, this was closure.
"It doesn't matter anymore, Kendall." James said, just barely above a whisper.
"I just want you to know that it had nothing to do with you, James." Kendall replied softly. "I know you think you had something to do with me cheating but it was all on me."
"No, actually, I don't think it had something to do with me because I didn't do anything wrong. I was faithful to you. I loved you more than I've ever loved anyone and I saw a future with you. Guess you didn't feel the same." James shrugged. "And it turns out you don't know me as well as you think you do."
Kendall opened his mouth to say something but immediately shut it when Logan and Carlos cautiously walked up to them.
"You're not killing each other, are you?" Logan asked, laughing nervously.
"Congrats on getting engaged." James said, smiling softly as he hugged Carlos and Logan before pulling away. "Thanks for inviting me but I have to go. I'll see you at your wedding, and happy New Year. Kendall,"
He nodded at the blond and Kendall jerked back a nod. The brunet smiled one last time before getting the hell out of there.
He didn't get all the answers he wanted all those years ago and he definitely didn't say everything he'd wanted to say to Kendall for 5 years but he didn't feel like shit anymore. He took a deep breath as he got into his car and turned it on. He felt a thousand times better. He finally got some of the things that had been bothering him off his chest and for the first time in a long time he didn't feel like he was being suffocated.
Maybe he was going to be alright after all.
