Coloring the Void: Chapter 1
So there we sat, once again in our usual spots outside the bustling Kelly's dinner. I was back in Port Charles, the city where I was born and been raised for much of my life. I had been gone a while now but Kelly's that afternoon felt very much the same. I was always able to picture the crowd while I was gone. I would see them in my head when I felt homesick, in that rich sepia tone designated for memories from long ago. I'd imagine myself there, always with Emily.
Those same bodies rushed back and forth, swimming in and out of the old brick courtyard where we always sat. Nothing looked different on the surface of that day; it was as if the months that passed never had. However, when you've been away from a place for a while, a place that in your mind could never change, the surprise that it has in the smallest way, stings and makes you uncertain of all you'd thought you'd known.
And for me, there was no bigger surprise than the changes in my relationship with my best friend, Emily Quartermaine.
"Liz," Emily started, giving me a wide, expecting smile. So many times that day she had told me how happy she was to have me back. I didn't think for a second that she was capable of saying anything else. "You can't even begin to understand how fucking happy I am to have you back," she said, just as I'd predicted.
I smiled, chuckling at the vulgar affection. In a way, it was nice to hear. It was good to be home and to see her again. But in another way, it felt different. I felt different. It all was making me scared and sort of nervous. Her excitement, her words, it was all gnawing at me, making me uncomfortable, searching for a place inside me to possess. Her eyes bore into mine, the pupils wide and wishful, but it started to feel like nothing could possibly break the ice between us.
"I'm happy to see you too, Em," I said with a small smile.
And that was it. That was all we seemed to be able to say to each other. We just sat there for half an hour, sipping lemonade and staring at each other in cold silence. The summer heat beating down as we tapped our glasses and ran our fingers through our long crinkly hair.
I took a sip of my lemonade, letting out a sudden gush of nervous laughter. It was an awkward situation. Too awkward not to laugh. My life was so different now than how it'd used to be. I could see now that I couldn't adjust. I'd been gone a while. A few months. Emily and I obviously assumed we could just instantly fall back into old ways and be best friends again. But I wasn't too sure I could do any of the things I used to anymore. And I was worried all the time about it. But I wasn't supposed to be worried about this. No. I wasn't supposed to be nervous about seeing Emily. We had so much to talk about, so much to catch up on. It should be easy.
I glanced at Emily. Her head was bowed and she was fiddling with the bracelets on her wrist. I looked to my own wrist, at my own bracelet. It was the same. They still matched identically. But we were so different from the girls who had giddily exchanged those bracelets years ago.
"So," Emily sighed. "How was it? How was… rehab?"
My head shot up and I blinked in surprise. She done it. Finally, she'd unleashed the question I'd been waiting for. The question I never thought she would ask. Now, she would know who I am.
"It was," I started but stopped. How does one explain exactly the experiences they had in rehab without terrifying everyone? While rehab had its goods, it had a lot more bads. And while the goods eventually outweighed the bads, it made it hard to find the words I needed to describe it and even then, there would never be enough words.
I sighed too and stirred the ice in my glass. At first, all the detox, therapy, and group sessions were intolerable. I just had to keep telling myself I wasn't like those people, I wasn't anything like the crazies that surrounded me. Those people couldn't control themselves, but I could. I wasn't like them. I could stop whenever I want to. I always could.
My grandmother was the only reason I was even in there in the first place. For those first few weeks, my mind was filled with unpleasant thoughts about that woman and what a betrayal it was of her to send me there. But, one day, after a long session where I had to explain why I was there, I'd come to the realization that I didn't have to be. I could have prevented everything. But I hadn't. I'd just hurt everyone around me until the price finally came around to hurting myself.
I had seen what finding things inside my room had done to my Grandmother. I saw instantly what it did to her heart, to her smile. All those people in rehab had done that their loved ones too. All of them could have also prevented it before it got too far. I was like them. We were all alike, every last one of us. There was no denying it. I belonged there. When I finally realized that, everything got easier.
"It was helpful, actually," I said aloud to Emily.
"Really?" She frowned. She almost looked surprised to hear me say I enjoyed myself. "How so?"
This question was even harder. It was all too much to say and nothing Emily would want to hear. I bit my lip and tried to come up with something she could understand or relate to. But only one thing came to mind.
"I'm free," I said finally. "It made me feel free and I love how great I feel."
Emily looked taken aback. I knew that wasn't what she wanted to hear. I knew she wanted me to go back to my old antics and live that old life that I'd had as Port Charles's 'Wild Child'. But she needed to know I wasn't like that anymore. She needed to know I wouldn't go back.
She took a deep breath as my words settled and flashed an uncertain smile. "Have you seen Lucky yet?"
My face fell. Lucky was my boyfriend. He was tall, dark, and handsome. And he was horny all the time. He had a temper too. And he never listened to me, not anything I ever said. Emily, of course, loved him and thought we were great together.
But we've never been happy. Majority of the time we'd spent together was devoted to fighting. Lucky was always quick to set a bad mood on me. When his snapped, mine did too, and sometimes he'd hit me and I'd have to hit him back. We always knew how to cause a scene.
I hadn't thought about Lucky for two months now, even after I'd been so upset to leave him. I used to want to spend the rest of my life with him. He'd meant everything to me. We'd been together for so long. We used to shop lift together and Lucky, well, now Lucky stole cars. We were so negative for each other. But I had wanted to marry him. I had wanted to drive off in the sunset with him in one of his stolen cars. But I couldn't want that anymore. And I had been thinking long and hard about how I'd have to tell him that.
"No, I haven't seen him yet. I only wanted to come and see you." I tried to smile even though my good mood was gone.
"So you're done then," Emily asked.
"Yes."
"And you're staying that way?"
"Yes."
Emily sank back in her chair, a frown on her face. We'd known each other since kindergarten, when we would both use the same colors in our coloring books, never wanting to be different from each other. I could see I was changing all of that without permission. Now that I wanted to be different from Emily, she would think it was me not wanting us to be friends.
"I don't want to feel that way anymore, Em," I told her.
"Feel what way anymore," she asked, tightly. "I've never really had a problem with anything I do. It feels great. You know it does"
"For a while, yeah. But don't you ever feel down?"
Emily shifted in her chair and lied. "No." She sighed. "I'm only having fun!"
Our friend, Matty, had been the one who started me and Emily down our ever so rocky paths. He'd only wanted to help us fit in at school; we were both so exclusive, never branching out to meet anyone new. He'd also said we always seemed sad, which I could believe. My parents were traveling the earth always and I never got to see them. Emily's parents were separating, her family was cracking apart. He helped us escape, I had been grateful, but now I was done running.
"We're going to graduate at the end of next year, Elizabeth," Emily said giddily. "I'll move on by then. I have to go to college and get my brains on, right?" I smiled at her and she took my hand again.
Soon it would be time for Emily, Matty and I to start looking for colleges. However, unlike me and Matty, Emily's grades were in excellent condition, she wouldn't have to struggle this year like me to graduate and could probably party the year away.
"It's hard to quit," I told her brutally. Emily stared at me, unblinking, then hastily released my hand and looked down at her lap.
"You did it," she alluded after a moment.
"I had a lot of help." I could feel Emily's annoyance with me because Emily always had a hard time concealing her feelings.
"I don't think it's that hard. You act like I ever said I needed anything. I don't need anything to be happy." She looked up and met my concerned eyes with hard ones. "Now," she breathed, all the annoyance left her expression as she changed the subject. "Tonight, we're throwing you a party."
"Who is we," I asked. As if I wanted to go to any party. Great, just great, I thought mulishly, I still had to break up with Lucky.
"Us," Emily quipped. "You're friends. Remember us? The friends you ditched so you could spend months in some rehab. I'm glad you had a good time, Liz but I'd kill my mom if she ever sent me there." I frowned then and thought about Monica Quartermaine who thought the sun rose and set in Emily Quartermaine, who thought her child was so innocent. Emily's mom hated me of course, she thought I was the devil. She warned Emily about me so many times. "You didn't even write or call us."
"They don't want you to talk to the people from you past…"I explained.
"Well, not everyone from your past is bad. Like me. And well...," she paused. "Me!" She chuckled. "Aren't you tempted?"
"I told you, it's hard," I told her honestly.
"Well, if your gut is telling you do to something, Elizabeth, maybe you should listen to it," she suggested, her voice low. I knew what Emily meant but I couldn't do that to myself or my family.
"This is so different from listening to your gut, Em," I scoffed. Emily rolled her eyes again and dropped her head down to her arms on the table. I eyed the brown mop of hair and sighed.
"Hmm. Well, seems pretty much the same to me."
The awkwardness wasn't leaving. Would it stay from now on? I also wondered if Emily would ever accept my new self and my new goal but the way she was acting told me she wouldn't. I wasn't any more accepting towards her life either. Did this make things so different? If I looked down on things Emily did, did I look down on her?
"Oh my god," Emily cried and shot up and out of her seat. "Jason!"
I watched as she flew into muscular arms and that wrapped around her tightly, squeezing her small frame. "Okay! I have to breathe!"
Jason laughed and released her from their hug.
"What are you doing here?" he asked her.
"I'm hanging out," Emily told him and gave him a warning glare. She looked over in my direction and beckoned me with her finger. Awkwardly, I stood up, pulling at my shirt, and cautiously walked over to them. Emily whipped around, grabbing my hand and pulled me towards her, sending me crashing into her hip bone.
"Ouch!" I muttered but she paid me no mind.
"This is my best friend-"
"Elizabeth," he cut in with a knowing smile.
My heart pounded as our eyes met. It had been a long time since I've looked into those eyes. Growing up, those eyes had belonged to Jason, Emily's older protective, handsome and perfect, brother. I'd loved him from a very young age, he'd always been so nice to me. I don't think he ever really knew of my crush, if he did, he never made me feel stupid about it.
I had always considered me and Jason close, course not in the way that I wanted. He treated me like a sister and I accepted what I could. I tried my hardest not to stare, not to beg with my eyes for the man in front of us to remember me and treat me the way that he used to. Two years ago, Jason Quartermaine had unfortunately been in a car accident, a very bad one that left him in the hospital for a really long time.
It was an awful head injury, so many were discouraged of a positive outcome. Finally, when he woke up, we all learned that he didn't remember anything about his old life. Even worse, he didn't want any of the same things that he'd always wanted. Emily's family had tried so hard to get him to adjust but it didn't work and he ended up leaving. He kept in touch with a few of the Quartermaine's, like his grandmother and Emily. But I never reintroduced myself to him. I didn't think it was important. I had lost the Jason I'd idolized so much. He was a different person now and unlike his family, I had accepted that. Which was why I was so surprised he knew who I was.
"She talks about you all the time," Jason revealed with a half-smile that answered my confusion. The way Emily's family spoke of this Jason, I'd always worried about meeting him. He was supposed to be mean and cold now and was in a very dangerous line of work. He was also supposed to be difficult to talk to and didn't necessarily like people. But the way he'd hugged Emily, I found that hard to believe.
"Well excuse me for trying to be courteous," Emily huffed. "Believe me, I won't make that mistake again.
Jason's gaze dropped to his black biker boots as he fought a laugh.
"You should stop by the house soon, Jason," Emily said seriously. She touched his arm and instantly his head snapped up, his face filled with nothing but concern.
"Why," he asked. Though he was brain damaged, I could tell that Emily hadn't lost the overprotective brother she'd once had.
"Grandmother would love to see you. She misses you," Emily smiled sadly, "And so do I." The creases of worry only grew deeper on his face as she stammered. "Life's not–"
"I'll come tomorrow," he interrupted and she smiled thankfully. I knew it was hard for her to talk about the things that troubled her. I wondered if I was part of the things that troubled her now and wondered if she would talk about me.
"I think that would help," she told him and attempted to beam.
"Yeah," he breathed.
"Go eat," she mumbled but he stayed where he was. "Go!" She kicked him in his calf to give him a start, and he smiled.
"Yeah." His eyes turned off their search and looked back at me. "I'll uh- see you tomorrow," he told Emily but held his gaze on me.
Emily nodded.
"Nice to finally meet you, Elizabeth." he said and smiled an incredibly handsome smile that singed all my thoughts together.
"Nice to meet you again too," I murmured shyly. He nodded weakly in parting then left us and went through the doors of Kelly's. His presence stayed fresh in my mind though, long after he left.
"So, on with the party," Emily squealed and hooked her arm in mine.
I laughed. "Yeah, on with the party," I smiled, faking excitement as best as I could and followed Emily out of the square.
-Present day-
"Thank you for your attention," the airline video sounded. "And we wish you a safe flight."
The television blinked to black, the video no longer present to ease my mind. I sighed, closing my eyes and pressed my head against the window of the plane. This was hard to do but it needed to be conquered. I could do it, I promised myself. I had everything I needed in me to handle going back.
I opened my eyes again and peered down as we began to ascend into the bright sky. I took his hand in mine, squeezing it, knowing I had to be strong for the both of us. Soon, the grounds outside of this window would no longer be our home and sanctuary. Soon, I'd see the rough and tumble lights of Port Charles, beaming up at me.
Though this was my home now, I'd always stayed in Port Charles in some way. And as the plane got closer and closer to Port Charles, it grew harder to fight the memories of him and the wonderful words we'd shared years ago. But I would do my best to filter them out.
I turned away from the window and flashed a grin and a smile, looking deep into his piercing blue eyes, no amount of love enough to express how I felt about him. Port Charles, I thought again, oh Port Charles, How I wished I could block all the memories out.
