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She was sitting at the bar, alone. He supposed she couldn't very well go talk Ted through his break-up with Stella after their conversation at the wedding. He decided to play it casual. Like they were just friends at a bar. Like she didn't haunt every second of every night and every day. Like he hadn't cursed himself a hundred thousand times for messing up his second and probably last chance of sleeping with her.
"What up, Scherbatsky?" He sounded careless, as usual. But then, he already knew he could act or he and his company would be rotting in Guantanamo by now.
"Barney."
But she sounded cold. And she didn't even bother to look up. That wasn't usual. And he couldn't help asking. Stupid love.
"What's wrong?" His voice was carefully measured to sound just unconcerned enough.
"Nothing's wrong. Why would you think that, I wonder? Why would you think that something you could do would make me feel bad?"
When she was angry, her Canadian accent came out. He wondered when he had started thinking it was endearing instead of stupid. Probably around that time he fell madly in love with her. He mentally cursed again. But as he tried to understand what he had done to make her so upset, an idea came to his mind. A thought that made him both excessively hopeful and terrified.
"Ah. Are you angry about that girl at Ted's not-wedding?" Sounding so normal was hard. He wished he could let out the screaming voice in his chest, the one that begged to be heard. But that would mean exposing himself to rejection and pain. So he swallowed it back down.
"Why would I be? It's not like you don't sleep with everything that moves. It's not like I haven't always known that. It's not like I haven't helped you get lucky before."
He wanted to explain. Wanted to make sure she understood. But then, she couldn't understand. She would run away.
"Look, Robin. These women at the wedding…they meant nothing to me, they never do." Careful, Barney. Try not to sound so pathetic.
"These women? As in more than one? Not that I care."
But she sounded like she cared. And the way she kept twirling the ice cubes around in her almost empty glass said she cared. This was good. Too good.
"Listen, if I'd thought for a single second that I had another chance to be close to you, I would never…"
He was talking, just trying to explain the truth without giving too much away, when she cut him.
"What did you say?" For the first time in their conversation, she looked up. Her eyes were suspicious and surprised, but he didn't know why.
"What?"
"You said « to be close to you »" She explained, looking like she barely believed the words herself.
But he was screwed. Without meaning to, his words had betrayed him. Time to back paddle. Maybe complete and utter denial would work.
"No, I didn't." He tried to make it sound like it was the most preposterous thing ever. Like she was crazy to think he would say something like that."
"Yes, you did. Barney, I've never heard you say that before." But she didn't sound doubtful at all. She sounded very sure of herself. He could see her beginning to think about what it meant.
"I didn't say that. I said « to screw you » or « to do very degrading things to your body »." But he knew he sounded too desperate. And he could see that she wasn't even listening to him anymore.
"It's almost romantic." The word was said reluctantly. Like she didn't quite dare to associate him with anything romantic. "It's almost as if…." And he saw the realization come on her face. He saw the words form behind her eyes. "Oh my god! You like me!"
"What? " This was not going well.
"You do. You like me!" He didn't know what to do. Should he deny it? Should he flee? Should he make it sound like the idea itself was completely out-of-this-world crazy?
"Please." But he knew he sounded more pleading than derogatory. And his small laugh sounded more like a sob. And he knew she heard it too.
"Oh god. That's…I don't know….I should g-"She was standing up, gathering her purse to leave.
The iceberg had been hit; there was no denying it anymore. Time to take out the safety jackets and save the children.
"Listen, Robin, it's no big deal.» He couldn't see how she would believe it when he couldn't believe it himself, but he had to try. "Just a teeny tiny crush. It's not like I'm in love with you, haha."
That was the second time tonight that he put his foot in his mouth. He was losing it. Or maybe she was making him lose it.
"You're in love with me?!" Her eyes were wide. There was none of the happiness he had never dared to let himself hope for. She was just standing there, plain bewildered.
"No, I'm not, I just said I wasn't." He tried to deny it. He couldn't laugh anymore, he couldn't sneer. He could only listen to his own ridiculously high voice as he pleaded with her to believe him.
But it only convinced her more. And if he had been in any condition to appreciate it, he would have been glad she wasn't stupid enough to believe such an obvious, desperate attempt at denial.
"Oh god, you're in love with me." Now she looked a little sick. And he felt like he was about to cry, himself.
"Dammit, Scherbatsky." He put his face in his head. He couldn't think anymore. He needed a drink, he needed to be somewhere else, he needed this conversation to have never happened.
"I gotta go. I'm sorry. I should…..yeah." And she left.
Barney undid his tie in an angry move and threw it on the floor. No stupid suit would help him right now.
