Disclaimer: It's at the end.
Author's Notes: They're at the end too.
He looks around the room; the people arrayed around
him a circle with him at the centre point. He doesn't sit a wheelchair this
time, but in a revolving chair with a table attached. So no matter what person
he's looking at, it's like he's behind a desk and very responsible looking.
He had Peter place him the device half an hour
before the event was due to start. Peter happily obliged and once done, he
sprinted from the room as if his very life depended on it, leaving Xavier to
sit by himself until the people starting showing up which they did in dribs and
drabs or for a couple, in one big group, all dressed identically but more on
that later.
He had hoped never to have to return here. After the
events of the last minute, which was with people he knew well, he felt that the
situation was by and large, fairly hopeless. This was going to be even harder
he figured as he was dealing with people he didn't know but were in a sense
every bit as powerful as the mutants he was used to.
Satisfied that everyone was here, he cleared his
throat in order to get people's attention. Slowly the distinctive groups gave
him their attention.
"Good evening, I'm glad you could all make it. Well,
it seems there was a little bit of an uproar after the last meeting that I held
here that you may or may not be aware of."
Some of them shuffled, others listened patiently.
"During that meeting, both my colleagues and enemies
respectively aired some grievances that they felt had occurred to them and upon
their characters over the past year or so. Grievances that it seem to originate
with you."
Some of the listeners seem a trifle miffed at this.
"Please, don't get annoyed. We're just meeting to
see if we can't iron out some of the smaller issues. Some of the more, how
shall I put this, stereotypical problems."
One of the listeners spoke, Cajun Quinn who was not
really interesting in discussing anything other then:
"I thought someone said Remy was going
to be here?"
From the other side of the room, Meg The Fierce Lady
growled (it's a verb to suit the desired character)
"Yeah, and Logan."
Gecko croaked (not in the sense she died, but she
spoke, look it's hard coming up with twenty different versions of said and
croaked seem appropriate for someone who's a fan of, oh never mind)
"Toad too"
Trah piped up from amongst a gaggle of girls.
"And Kurt."
PallaPlease added.
"Yeah, Kurt and Kitty together."
The Kat
Meows And The Steel Man Singeth (one person = two names, cool) added her two
cents.
"No, Kitty and Peter."
Prism laughed.
"What? Are you seriously saying she'd take Peter
over Kurt?"
The Professor frowned; he hadn't expected to lose
control for another 40 seconds at the earliest.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please calm down. I realise
that some people were scheduled to appear but the truth of the matter is that
you scared them away. Eric sent word that Toad has gone into hiding since this
meeting was announced and won't reappear until it's been over for two days."
A number of identically dressed girls slumped in
disappointment in the corner. More on that later.
"The same is true of Remy, Kurt, Logan and the
others. It's only thanks to Logan's healing factor that he survived the last
encounter with a number of his fans. I too, refused to come at first but then
it occurred to me that I am safe as no one has the hots for me and I'm in none
of the favoured relationships thrown around. Unless you (and he almost started
laughing as he said this) count me and Eric as a partnership."
Then he couldn't contain it anymore and he did start
laughing.
Little did he know, that somewhere among the
listeners, someone was rubbing their hands together eagerly. The little thought
of "Eric and Charles eh?" swimming happily around in their heads.
His laughter coming to an end he pressed the button
that made his seat/table combo revolve slowly.
"Sorry about that. All my years of training and that
one still makes me laugh. Anyway I thought we'd start by-"
One of the writers stood up.
"Yer 'ol pal, the Bud here. Sorry to interrupt but
I'd just like to say that I think that we, by and large, have the character's
best interests at heart."
Wolverena commented
"Unless it's Scott."
The Bud nodded:
"Well of course not Scott."
The whole room nodded in agreement. Except for the
lunatic fringe or PETS as they were known. Charles couldn't help but feel sorry
for the guy, on one side of the coin he was detested and on the other, well
that was just plain frightening.
Silverine added.
"Or Jean."
The Bud nodded slowly in agreement.
"Or Jean"
Peregrine spoke up
"Unless it's Jean with Scott."
The Bud agreed, sort of.
"Yeah that's okay I guess, unless it's Jean being a
total Mary Sue or not acknowledging Logan by staying with Scott."
He then decided it would be best for his health if
he sat down, as he was marching towards very dangerous territory where being
someone's Bud would not gurentee survival.
Some people nodded. This was the holy grail of
relation shippers, Charles figured. Logan and Jean, Jean and Logan. If they
ever got married, what would they be introduced as, Mr and Mrs. Logan? Maybe
Jean (being such a modern woman) would insist on Mr and Mrs Grey. It's a
mystery for another night.
The professor suddenly became interested. He
couldn't help but ask.
"So you'd be willing to let Scott alone when he's
with Jean and they're not shoving everyone's nose in it or denying Logan his
shot with Jean."
Valykarie answered.
"Yeah, pretty much. Basically Scott's doomed, but
Jean can hang in there if she stays on the sideline. She's can be used as a
whole jealousy thing when it's one of the younger ones involved."
"Marie or Jubilee?"
Valykarie continued.
"Marie, Jubilee or an author creation."
The professor countered.
"Well Logan was dissatisfied with that. He just
wants to go drink, fight and look at strippers."
Meg The Fierce Lady swooned
"He's just such a bad boy."
A number of others shared that same dreamy look.
"So would it be fair to say that you're writing about
that whole "bad boy" thing though chances are you'll all end up with a nice
boy…like Scott."
Chastity, a diehard Remyite stood up and spat.
"Never."
The PETS Lunatic Fringe glared over at Chastity. She
glared back. By and large she had the backing of the room and she knew it.
"Okay if we were to have pick one of the girls,
which one?" the professor asked.
Answers came from all sides. Xavier was having
trouble keeping up in his revolving chair.
GambitGirl immediately shouted out.
"Rogue"
Chastity came next.
"Marie"
GambitGirl looked over at Chastity.
"That's what I said."
Natas chimed in.
"Jubilee"
Chastity countered immediately.
"No, Marie."
Someone from behind Xavier shouted, he didn't see as
his chair was starting to smoke trying to keep up.
"No, Jubilee."
"Or perhaps Jubilee and me."
The room and story became silent and looked around
to see who had said that.
"All right, who said that?"
Silence
"The story doesn't start again until someone owns
up."
Still silence. Tumbleweed blows across the
classroom.
Looks down at the overwhelming outnumbered males
who've bothered to attend and are now looking very uncomfortable.
"I know it was one of you. I got my eye on you."
With the males suitable chastised we can continue.
"No, Marie."
Meg The Fierce Lady got a thoughtful look in her
eye.
"But if Marie ends up with Logan, what happens to
Remy and Marie?" seeing GambitGirl glare at her, she added, "or Remy and Rogue
depending on your point of view."
looked thoughtful. Logan and Marie were certainly
tempting, but Remy and Marie was a close second to Logan and Jean in Holy Grail
of relation shippers land.
"Okay I concede. Logan can have Jubilee."
A few folks cheered.
Enigma spoke up.
"So that means…Remy and Rogue."
A number of the girls behind her began jumping up
and down.
"Gambit, Gambit,…" They chanted together.
It was the notorious Gambit Group, females devoted
to the silver-tongued card shark. They all wore trench coats and carried around
packs of cards. Just in case, you understand. Though the list of members was
literally legion, they had sent only a few core members here tonight.
GambitGirl, Gambit's Girl, Kelticdream, Chastity, RemysAngel, Wildcard, Enigma were
all in attendance.
GambitGirl seemed to be the ringleader and spoke for
them.
"We accept these terms, though we still have the
right to write author creations with Remy as well."
The professor considered this. He wondered if there
was enough Remy to go around? It was obvious that he is in very high demand
among the fairer sex.
He looked down at the Gambit Group who were
brandishing a lot of sharp implements and he prudently made decision fairly quickly.
There had better be enough Gambit to go round. No more Sundays off for the
Cajun dynamo.
"Okay. You're allowed author creations. In fact
let's make that a unilateral decision. Any character can have a thing for an
author created character."
Everyone seemed happy with this. He turned his group
to the most uniquely attired group of the night. This being the "More on that
later" group. Though there was less of them then in the Gambit group, what they
lacked in numbers they made up for in enthusiasm. Wearing similar coats to the
Gambits Group, these folk also painted their faces green in homage to their
favourite, Mortimer "Toad" Toynbee.
He looked at them for a moment. This crowd he
wouldn't figure out if he had a few years.
"I just…I really don't know where to start."
Gecko immediately spoke out, her voice full of
passion.
"Well what is there to say about Toad? He's
just…he's just so adorable."
All the others nod their heads in agreement. The
professor wasn't sure, but this could be a case of brainwashing. I mean it had
to be, right?
"Toad has confessed to Eric that he isn't too sure
what to make of all this attention. He was quite happy being a lackey."
Gecko answered again.
"But he has so much more to offer. He's smart, fun
and he's just so athletic."
When she mentioned the word athletic, Mariamus Prime
goes weak and almost faints.
Gecko has to wave a 10x6 glossy of Toad (signed) in
front of her to keep her cool. The professor gives her a moment.
"But the chances of romance for him are…limited."
"Well we know that. We tried Mystique and Morty, but
that Magneto thing was always hanging over their heads. So we're quite happy to
have him romancing and being romanced by author creations. In fact just having the
lean green fighting machine in a story is enough for us."
Someone at the back whispers "I knew he was a mutant
but not a teenage ninja turtle as well. Cool."
The story stops again. Pointing finger at the males.
Listen Mr I can be smart at the back, Shut it
Back to the story;
"So, by and large you're just happy as long as no
one kills Toad."
Big happy smiles gave him his answer. He can only
shake his head. If only he could inspire that kind of devotion.
"Well the last matter before us tonight is this." He
almost hesitated about bringing this up.
Regaining his courage, he reaches under his table
and retrieves a small dark blue doll shaped not unlike one Kurt Wagner.
"KURT!!!!!"
A group of girls screamed. Nightcrawler'sgurl has to
be restrained by the others from rushing forward and grabbing it out of the
Professor's obviously unworthy hands. Once they got her seated again they held
hands, and giggled uncontrollably, each of them taking out an identical doll
and began holding them close, group of Kurt fans with a group of little Kurt
dolls.
"Kurt indeed. I don't know where these things came
from but you can't turn around now and not see another of the little Kurts
nestled on a couch somewhere. It's getting a little unsettling."
Bandit (the alleged creator of the Kurt doll.) spoke
up. She held a doll slightly different from the others. It had a little gold
crown on its head.
"But just look at him. He's just so cute."
She held up the doll for the others to see.
Words cannot properly convey the image here, so try
to imagine Elmira (I think that's her name) from Animaniacs. She's the "I'm
gonna love ya, and squeeze ya and hug ya" girl. Well that's how this crowd are
with the Kurt dolls.
The professor isn't impressed.
"Well so is Toad according to them."
The Toad group immediately huddled up to discuss
Darth Rage's plan to implement the construction of a cutesy Toad doll.
"Why, you don't think he's cute?" she asked, faintly
threatening.
"I guess." The professor answered, faintly
threatened. "So what do you want from stories?"
"Him being happy," she answered giving the little
doll another squeeze to reassure herself.
"And what would that entail?"
She looked back at the rest who all held up their
dolls in a show of support. She handed the crowned doll to PallaPlease who
stood up and spoke as Bandit sat down. The crowned doll indicated who could
speak, Charles guessed, kind of a Lord of the Flies type thing.
"We guess, Kurt and Kitty ending up together."
The Kat Meows And The Steel Man Singeth stands up,
"No, she's supposed to be with Peter."
"He had his chance." Prism answers calmly, though
she didn't hold the crowned doll. She looked at the others and covered her
mouth.
"Whoops, sorry."
"But he still loves her, he really does."
"It's too late for him." Nightcrawlers'gurl answers,
out of turn, the crowned Kurt losing its power every second it seemed. Lord of
the Flies indeed.
The group stand and hold their dolls up and start
humming in .
The Kat Meows And The Steel Man Singeth suddenly gets the impression that she may go *BAMF* and so she sits down. She knows she'll get her chance.
The professor has to rub his temples.
"Give me megalomaniacs any day." He thinks privately
to himself.
RemysAngel regards the Kurt crowd with a little
scepticism.
"Kurt's cute, but he's no Remy"
Bandit finds herself slightly torn.
"Well…yes…but no…"
Trah is obviously shocked by Bandit's wavering
loyalty.
"The doll, Bandit, the doll."
Squeezing her doll, Bandit regains her composure.
"She needs a doll." GambitGirl laughs as she
subconsciously rubs the pack of cards in her hand.
"Good one trench coat girl." Peregrine responds
angrily.
"Oh dear" Xavier thought to himself. Well they were civil
for a while but you can't have too many creative people in the room at the same
time or they'll inevitably start arguing. It was Newton's unheard of 4th
law. The number of creative people in a room is proportional to the amount of
insulting done. There's a mathematical proof for it and everything.
He decided to at least get the fighting out on to
the street. There was no point trying to explain how a room got destroyed by a
group of writers to the school board.
"Ladies, I think we've done all we can for tonight.
For the time being every story let's agree that every story written will have
to follow this plotline."
The Ideal X-Men Story.
"Logan has a brief fling with Jean before they
mutually decided that they want other things. She goes to Scott and the two of
them move out to a farm someplace where they can be perfect in private. Logan
meanwhile kicks some ass, has a fling with an author creation who dies
tragically, acts weepy for a while and is consoled by one of the girls whom he
then settles down with, preferably Jubilee so that Marie can move in with Remy
who may or may not have had a relationship with an author creation (who will
die tragically) prior to having the one girl whom he can't touch (thus proving
he's really a nice guy) until Hank, who is everyone's best friend but never
gets the girl, creates a device that allows them to touch. Meanwhile, Kitty and
Peter break up. He disappears and becomes a renowned artist and she moves in
with Kurt who throws the priest ambitions in the bin so he can market dolls of
himself. Toad has by this time found a deep meaningful romance with an author
creation while Eric and Mystique never consummate something constantly hinted
at because of another thing constantly hinted at which is him and me, though I have
moved in with Storm who's had a torrid affair with any X-Men not mentioned
above except Bobby who despite being a joker never gets the girl either. That
about right?"
"Well, everything but the bit about you and Storm."
The author replies.
"Damn."
The End
Disclaimer. All the X-Men stuff belong to Marvel and
all the authors, well they belong to themselves, their parents, their pets or
whoever claims responsibility for them. If no one does, we'll hold an auction
and sell them off.
Author's notes: This was written a good while ago as
a companion piece for the "I Head Talking Helps" thing. At the time, I had
generic people in it instead of genuine authors but I didn't think it worked so
I shelved it and played games instead. I read (as most of you no doubt did)
brilliant Bandit's ode stories and saw possibilities there. I decided to hold
it back because it appeared I'd be ripping off her idea, which I suppose I
would be. I've been in touch her for a while now and she's totally cool about
it, even helped me put faces to sentences, so that's that problem out of the
way. Bandit, I hold you in the same esteem as the land/oil/train baron.
The next thing is that unlike her, I really don't know any of the people who I stuck in the story. In fact she, The Kat Meows, and The Bud are the only people I've been in contact with outside the context of a review so I hope that none of you will be offended by the liberties I've taken with your creations or yourselves for that matter. I've updated it a little to fit better with the themes of the day ie the emergence of the Kurt doll but by and large it's pretty much the same as it was. It's meant to be funny and in no one insulting but I bet that like myself, most of you are guilty of, (at one stage or another) writing something very close to Xavier's Ideal X-Men Story. Frightening isn't it. Anyway, I hope you like it and see it for what it is, fun. Keep it frosty. Cheers.
