Just some rambling I did at some ridiculous time in the morning. My first Fanfiction piece so please be nice. Constructive crit always welcome. Unbeta'd so all mistakes are mine. Hope you like it.

Kel

Disclaimer: Torchwood and all associated characters are property of the BBC and RTD. I promise to return them in good condition...ish.

I bury my head in my hands, my face already cold and wet. My hands are shaking, but not from the icy water which still clings to my form as I cling to him. Where to start? my thoughts run in circles. The look on his face as Gwen threatened to leave. "I wouldn't know any better" "But I would". What can I say to that? That same night he took me to his bed. A casual shag. Does he even realise what he's doing to me? Probably not. He loves her, it's obvious. Yet I still come and go at his beck and call. It's always been this way.

It started when I wanted to get into Torchwood to save Lisa, just another way to get them to trust me. Then from guilt, shame, need... Then something more. I don't know when, I didn't even notice when I crossed that line. The point of no return. When I'm around him I can't think of anything else. I feel amazing and yet as soon as he's gone I feel so empty, so hollow. It's destroying me from the inside out. Emotional turmoil wearing away at an already damaged shell. He doesn't even notice when something is wrong. He'll sacrifice everything to save her yet when there's a gun at my head he doesn't so much a blink. I'm loosing this battle against the tide. I know I should leave, he'll never be mine, never give me what I want, need. Yet somehow I can't. I'm sick and depressed with thoughts of him and yet when I go to tell him I can't say a word. I can't resist him.

I've never felt better than when I'm with him.
I've never felt worse.

He's a drug.
I'm addicted.
And it's destroying me.