Hey so I said I would start this new story and I am but I'm gonna write it out first or as much ad I can and just start updating every couple weeks since there's gonna be times where I won't wanna do anything for months at a time and this is a good way to stay productive through those times. So this was written December 17 2018 12.40am

Rachel POV

I don't know what to do anymore. It's thanksgiving break and I found out my Uncle Jack just died. He always stuck up for me when my dads went out of town for 'work'. I remember being so upset when my daddy was out of town and so my dad went to meet him out there after a dance recital I had. When they were gone I stayed at Uncle Jack's house and he overheard me talking to my cousins about how I was mad since they always went out.

I guess Uncle Jack had yelled at them because I didn't feel loved and that's the reason they adopted me in the first place, to give me love and everything else a little girl could ever want.

Then I remember how shy I was of him as I got older because guys honestly freaked me out a little. And then when he got sick, I always hung out with him but I still feel bad for neglecting him. Aunt Jenna is staying in town to help with the funeral next week. I think we're making poster boards with a bunch of pictures from his life for the non-jewish part of the family. Since "that's what they would like to do for us." Daddy had explained.

Papa said they couldn't find a picture of me and him together so there's no proof that we used to be close. I feel kind of guilty about that. One of my cousins don't have a picture either so we're in this together. The funeral was heartbreaking, for me atleast. They played that one old rock song that I absolutely hate so I laughed at that. It was the only time I did that entire week.

I have to go back to school on Monday and I'm really not looking forward to dealing with The Unholy Trinity and explaining to the Glee Club why I wasn't at school for a week and tarnished my perfect attendance. I'm guessing that they're all going to be complaining that I'm back and when I was gone how the spotlight was nice with it not being hogged by me.

I spent most of the weekend after the funeral on Thursday crying. So that was fun. It's now Monday morning and I just arrived at school and am now walking to my locker. After I dropped my rolly backpack off there, I went to check in with my teachers. They were all worried but I just dismissed them with a 'family emergency' excuse, not wanting to get into it.

After the warning bell rang, I walked to class with my books in my hand and was met with a cherry slushie. Great. And it wasn't even my favorite flavor, grape. It just had to be cherry. Dark, super staining cherry slushie. Of course in my post-mourning state, I forgot a change of clothes for this particular instance. So, I showed up to class with a red-stained white sweater and black skirt with drops of slushie on my penny loafers.

Other students laughed and a few neanderthal football players bumped fists. I forgot I had some of them in 1st period.

When I got to glee, I seen I was the first one there so I sat at the piano and put my head on the keys, making a loud, nasty sound. I winced at the noise as it only worsened my growing headache. The glee clubbers started to trickle in so I picked up my head and walked to the back row.

"Wow, Man hands didn't think you would come back. The spotlight was finally split between the people who really deserve it.", snarled Santana.

I just sat there and took it, I'm honestly so not okay that I just can't do it anymore. Noah, who walked in a little before she said that, told her to "Shut the fuck up and leave the girl alone, bitch." I appreciated it.

He nodded at me and sat a few seats away, knowing I wanted space. Lima had a very small Jewish Community so Noah knew about Uncle Jack from his mother, who was very close to my Dad, and so he came to the funeral. I guess he told Mr. Schue what was going on because the theme of the week was feelings. He wanted us to sing how we were feeling at that moment and hopefully someone started to feel better if they weren't okay (me).

Then he dismissed us and told me to stay back so we could talk. Noah looked at me and I just nodded my head and mouthed 'thank you' to him and he walked out. After everyone left I shuffled to Mr. Schue's office.

"How are you, Rachel?" he asked her.

I just shrugged because truthfully I didn't know how I felt. "Sad. Disappointed. Mad. I don't know."

"I think you should talk to someone. Maybe Miss Pillsbury?", he suggested. I didn't want to talk about it. I just wanted it to stop.

"I should be fine. I'm sure I'll be fine by the end of the week." I lied. I'm not sure if he believed it since he looked skeptical but he let it go.

"Okay, but I want you to really think about the assignment this week."

"Okay, Mr. Schuester."

When I got home I seen I had a couple messages from Noah, and I didn't see them earlier because I had left my phone at home today.

Noah- hey how ru

N- rachel im sorry if u didnt want me telling schue

Rae- It's alright Noah. Go work on your project for Glee and all your other homework.

N- okk

It felt nice to know that Noah was concerned about me, not many people were. I just felt like a burden though. I didn't want to get in anybody's way or have them change their plans just for me, but Noah didn't seem to mind.

The next day in glee, Mr. Schue asked for volunteers and I seen him look pointedly at me, waiting for my hand. I rolled my eyes and raised my hand to go first. He smiled and clapped his handsas I stood up. I walked over to the band and whispered the song to them. As I told Brad, he looked a little troubled by the song choice. I grabbed a stool and sat while I started to sing

I can't handle these pressures; all I can say is this stress hurts

Things are supposed to get better

I just need to put myself first

I'm always trying my hardest not to pick myself apart

This energy's killin' my vibes now

Sometimes I just wanna to drown out

All of the thoughts in my mind

Too much going on at the same time

I wish it would stop and I've tried but

Life just sucks then we all die

The club looked shocked as I continued to sing.

That's just reality, yeah, don't lie to me

Yeah I'm fucked up but I don't wanna be

I wonder if I'm good enough

But maybe I've had just too much

To drink, to smoke, to swallow

I'm drowning up my sorrows

There's rules I'll never follow

Pretend there's no tomorrow

I wish there was no tomorrow

Some widened their eyes when they heard me cuss and some just barely started to pay attention.

But I'm empty inside, yeah I'm empty inside

And I don't wanna live, but I'm too scared to die

Yeah I'm empty inside, I just don't feel alive

And I don't wanna live, but I'm too scared to die

Wish I could erase my memories, so I could stop feeling so empty

I wish that shit wasn't so tempting

But it's hard to resist when there's plenty of things I could do to fuck me up

I want to let go, but I'm feeling so stuck

So all I can do is fill up my cup

That's just reality, yeah, don't lie to me

Yeah I'm fucked up but I don't wanna be

I wonder if I'm good enough

But maybe I've had just too much

To drink, to smoke, to swallow

I'm drowning up my sorrows

There's rules I'll never follow

Pretend there's no tomorrow

I wish there was no tomorrow

But I'm empty inside, yeah I'm empty inside

And I don't wanna live, but I'm too scared to die

Yeah I'm empty inside, I just don't feel alive

And I don't wanna live, but I'm too scared to die

My body's shaking

My head is aching

It feels like my heart is breaking

My body's shaking

My head is aching

I can't fix this mess I'm making

But I'm empty inside, yeah I'm empty inside

And I don't wanna live, but I'm too scared to die

Yeah I'm empty inside, I just don't feel alive

And I don't wanna live, but I'm too scared to die

By the end of the song I was sobbing into my sleeve and I just wanted to get the hell out of there. I couldn't believe I had actually admited how I was feeling to the people that hated me and would no doubt use it to hurt me. Noah tried to walk up and help me but I just shook my head and ran out the room. I didn't look at anybody, I just ran as fast as I could. Maybe if I did I would see some of the more feminine clubbers crying.

I can't breathe, or think or even begin to function. For some reason I ran all the way out to the bleachers by the football field and the moment I sat down, I just broke in half.

Hi I haven't looked at my story drafts for a while and I just realized that I have all these finished chapters that I haven't posted so I'm going to stop here. January 22, 2019 at 10.34pm

. Also I gave up on the whole write a bunch out and just update it every couple weeks, I'm going to take forever to write them and update them after I realize they're done. So like every other story of mine. Alright bye

I fixed this story since I thought it was kind of a mess the last time so yeahh.. hope you liked it though. Okayy bye I guess.