November
I sat at the edge of my bed as I stared continually out the window. It was open, as I had left it all of the past week. I shook my head to myself, trying to shake away the heart wrenching memory. Tears formed quickly into my eyes. It couldn't have all been a dream. The best part of my life...disappearing. Fading slowly into the shadows. I put a hand over my mouth as a sob escaped. My other hand was holding my torso, trying to ease the unbearable pain ripping at my insides. I continued sobbing silently, as my tears fell uncontrollably. I wish I wouldn't cry. It won't make him come back, and I know that. It will be as if I never existed.... I bit my lip to keep a wail inside my throat. I got up, now both hands seeming to hold my insides in their places. It wasn't working. I walked slowly towards the other side of the room and picked up the scrapbook. There were empty spaces where pictures of him should have been. I dropped the scrapbook abruptly and slowly sank to my knees. Both hands raked through my hair as I was on the floor, trying to push back all of the memories. He was still here. I could feel him. Why was he still here, torturing me? I covered my mouth again. I was beginning to hyperventilate. I tried to focus on my breathing, but I couldn't. I couldn't breathe without him. I looked at my clock on my bedside table, still on the verge of hyperventilating. I was so alone. 2 a.m. A week ago he was here. Lying next to me, on my bed. He wanted me. I guess he changed his mind. He was killing me....and pretty soon I was going to suffocate. My eyes darted back and forth across the room as I sat on my bed again, looking for something that wasn't there. I lay facedown on my pillow, holding my breath. So much easier than breathing. It wouldn't take much, just holding my breath. Just long enough to suffocate. Just long enough to forget. When my lungs were about to burst, I took a huge gulp of air...admitting defeat. I rolled over, lying on my back, looking up at the ceiling. I sat up and ran a hand through my hair absently. I put my head between my knees, trying to keep my walls from crashing down on me. I let out a whimper, This pain is too real. Why did I get so....so...attatched? That's not the right word. Why did I love him so much? Why do I love him so much? I exhaled very slowly and layed down. Then I closed my eyes as two more tears fell from them.
