A.N. Okay, so this is a crack fic my friend Unluckyangel13 and I wrote together when we were bored. It will NOT be continued. What you see here is what you get. Sorry if that disappoints anyone. Anyways, this contains spoilers from Vampire Knight so if any of you readers have not read up to, hmm, let's see, um…Volume 9 of Vampire Knight, please do not complain in the reviews that I spoiled this for you. Also, if you have not read the manga Black Bird, I highly suggest you do so. It is great. The character Kyo Usui from that manga is in this fic also. Also thrown into the mix are Kaoru and Hikaru from Ouran High School Host Club and Sesshomaru (a.k.a. Lord Sesshy-poo and/or Lord Smexy Pants. I will be referring to him in those forms.)
Goddess: *Plants a video camera in Kaname's room and tosses Kyo in there too* C'mon boys, I wanna see some action! Oh, I know, I'll handcuff you two together in handcuffs that can't be broken by demons and/or vamps! And I'm going to make the length REALLY short so you two will have to be practically glued together! Yummy!
Unlucky:
Kaname: *Whispers something to Kyo*
Kyo: Are you sure about this?
Goddess:
*Is getting annoyed and finally shouts out at Kaname* DO HIM! DO HIM! TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF! OH, AND YOUR SHIRT WHILE YOU'RE AT IT!
Kyo: Isn't that what usually happens when *Wiggles eyebrows* you-know-what happens?
Me: SHUT UP!
(We will now pause for a brief intermission. Okay, we're back.)
Unlucky:
Okay boys, back to work!
Goddess:
Kyo: Why don't you come and make me?
Me: *Grabs him by the throat and glares* JUST. DO. IT.
Kyo: What exactly do you mean by, "Do it"?
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
Unlucky:
Me: Do him do him!
Kaname: I'm not sure this is going to work, were both semes, we need an uke.
Goddess:
Me: JUST COMPROMISE!
Unlucky:
Kaname: I'm not going to bottom!
Kyo: Neither am I.
Goddess:
Kaname: Unless...
Me: *Leans forward eagerly*
Kyo: Yeah? Unless?
Kaname: Unless our captors promise not to put this on YouTube
Me: *Hides the camera behind my back*
Unlucky:
Me: Oh we won't put it on youtube... *Whispers* Selling it on dvds to fangirls is another matter though...
Goddess:
Kaname: I heard that.
Kyo: Yeah, me too!
Me: Oh, shut up and get on with the action!
Unlucky:
Kaname: But I don't like chicken!
Goddess:
Me: *Throws two mini skirts at them* Put these on
Kyo: *Eyes them* I don't like where this is going
Unlucky:
Me: Relax, you're just gonna dance..
Goddess:
Kyo: I DON'T dance
Me: You will dance or I will bash you over the head with this giant metal fan!
Unlucky:
Kyo: Is this suppose to be a stripper dance?
Goddess:
Me: Yes! You're going to strip for Kaname.
Unlucky:
Kaname: I'M NOT GAY!
Me: For anyone but Zero!
Goddess:
*Zero is suddenly thrown into the room, completely pants-less*
Kaname: *Tries his hardest not to eye Zero*
Kyo: ORGY!
Unlucky:
Zero: What's wrong Kaname? Don't you want me here?
Kaname: *Nibbles on Zero's neck*
Goddess:
Zero: A little to the left...then go straight until you reach the crossing between Alzheimer's and Crohn's...
Kaname: *Pulls away* Wait, what?
Zero: I have no clue. I have a feeling that I'm not myself and that I'm being controlled by two rabid fan girls with dirty minds...
Me: JUST GET ON WITH IT!
Unlucky: Kyo: *Flies away*
Goddess:
Me: Oh no you don't! *Shoots an arrow and misses pathetically* Damn!
Kyo: Ha, you loser!
Me: Don't you dare call me a loser! I'll take all your primary feathers!
Kyo: I'd like to see you try.
Unlucky: Me: *Falls out of a tree and causes Kyo to crash into ground*
Goddess:
Me: *Lunges and starts tugging on Kyo's hair* Back to the orgy, Mr. Horse!
Kyo: I'm not a horse, I'm a Tengu!
Me: What's the difference?
Unlucky:
Kyo: Tengu are birds, horses aren't
Zero: HARDER KANAME!
Me: Damn it we missed some of the best footage!
Goddess:
Me: *Runs over with a video camera* I'm going to need you two to stop what you're doing and do it all over again
Zero: *Holds up a jar of pickles that has now been opened* What? You want me to tighten this and then have Kaname open it all over again?
Me: *Anime fall* I THOUGHT YOU TWO WERE DOING EACH OTHER!
Unlucky:
Zero: *Innocently* What do you mean by that? *Tilts head*
Kyo: Kaname have you ever done him...
Kaname: Not yet...
Goddess:
Me: Well, let me just say this: WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
Kaname: I was waiting for the right time, the right place, and the right amount of cash.
Me: You want ME to pay YOU to screw Zero and Kyo?
Kaname: Basically, yes.
Me: *Sighs*
Unlucky:
Kyo: If he's getting paid I'm getting paid too!
Me: Fine, but he's getting paid in cash and you're gonna get paid in m-rated fanfiction
(And that, folks, ends Part 1. Unluckyangel13 will be sending me part 2 soon. Please read and review!)
