"Why lie?" he said.
Before Emma could react, Mark had taken another step toward her. He was so close she could smell the toothpaste on his breath. The same spearmint toothpaste Julian used. Emma looked up in surprise and caught his eye, blackthorn blue. For just a moment, she lost herself in memory. She thought of dancing with Julian the night of lottery, how the space between them had felt electric and dangerous, like they could implode at any time. Mark placed his other hand on the small of her back, bringing her back to reality.
"I'd be lying either way. If we do this my way, I'm lying to Julian. Your way, I'd be lying to myself. I'm... not in a place that I can be with anyone right now." Emma sighed and tried to take a step back from him but he held her tight against him.
"That makes two of us."
He wrapped his hands in her hair and pressed his lips to hers. Emma was surprised by the warmth of his mouth. What a strange thing to notice when being kissed, she thought. She breathed in the smell of him: earth and toothpaste. She felt her heart sink to the pit of her stomach. This was not what kissing was supposed to feel like. Kissing Julian had felt like flying, while kissing Mark felt more like being dragged into quicksand; like the floor had disappeared underneath her and she was free falling into nothingness. With all the sense she could manage, she placed her hands on his chest and pushed him away. When she was 12, Emma had imagined kissing Mark several times, but not once had she imagine she would be the one to pull away. So much had changed since then. Mark didn't look offended or even surprised. She could see the wind in his broken eyes and she knew he hadn't been thinking of her, either. What a dysfunctional pair they made.
"I can't be your distraction," Emma said, barely above a whisper. "I just need you to help me protect Julian. All of this is for Julian." Emma hadn't noticed she'd begun to cry until Mark raised his hand to wipe the tear from her cheek. She didn't remember the last time she had cried. Shadowhunters weren't supposed to cry. Emma had spent most of her life being strong for the kids and for Julian. She killed herself training to make herself stronger, all for them. Knowingly destroying the person she loved most in the world was more than she could handle, even if she was doing it to save him.
"I will lie for you, Emma Carstairs. But know that should you ever change your mind, I'm here. Sometimes lying to yourself is less painful than facing the truth."
Mark turned and walked out of the room, both hands shoved in his pockets. He gave her one last knowing glance as he turned down the corridor towards his own room. Emma shut the door and collapsed onto her bed face first. This was a bad idea. No, this was the worst idea. The worst idea in the history of terrible ideas. This was going to break Julian. But isn't that exactly what she needed to do? The only way to fix things was to erase the love he had for her. Lying to him was the only option. When she finally fell asleep, she dreamed of drowning.
She woke several hours later screaming. She should have known he would come. He had always been the one to comfort her after her nightmares. She heard three quiet taps on the door and felt her stomach drop.
"Emma?" the sound of his voice ripped her heart into a thousand pieces.
"Go back to bed, Jules. I'm fine. Just a bad dream."
"Emma, please. Just let me in."
"I said I'm fine. I don't need you." She knew she had struck a cord. Telling Julian she didn't need him would hurt worse than the whips he had taken from Iarlath on the lawn, but she knew she couldn't be alone with him in her bed in the middle of night. Emma was strong, but not that strong. She knew she would lose her resolve the second the moonlight caught his blue green eyes and that was not something she could let happen again. She heard his footsteps getting further and further away, and finally heard the door of his room close. What had she done? She closed her eyes tight and cried for the second time that night.
The next morning, Emma woke with a pounding headache. She took her usual morning run, hoping it would help to clear her mind, but no such luck. After a particularly long shower, she walked into the kitchen for breakfast, wet hair braided down her back. Livvy and Ty sat at the table, finishing up the remnants of their Satuday morning pancakes.
"Where were you this morning? You never miss breakfast." Livvy asked, getting up from the table to rinse her now empty plate in the sink.
"I took an extra long run this morning and lost track of time. I'm sorry guys, I didn't miss anything did I?"
"Nah, just the usual morning drama. Julian made pancakes, Tavvy spilled the syrup and tried to hide it by wiping it up with his sleeve which just made it so much worse, Dru stared at Perfect Diego so intently it made every one but Perfect Diego uncomfortable, and Mark was... Mark. He asked about you."
Time to turn it on. It was now or never. "Did he?" Emma did her best to fake a girlish grin. She felt ridiculous, but she hoped Livvy wouldn't notice the awkwardness she felt. Livvy stared a second longer than she normally would have before turning back to the sink, Emma thought.
Ty, who had been pushing his last bite of pancake across the plate with his fork for the last five minutes, took out his headphones and answered. "He asked if anyone knew where you were. Said he had to talk to you about something."
Emma flashed the biggest smile she could manage and tried her hardest to make herself blush. "I suppose I should find out what he wants, then" she said with a giggle. She had actually giggled. Julian would have known she was lying that second. She needed to get better at this before she took this show on the road, so to speak. If only she was as good of liar as he was. She grabbed a granola bar from the pantry, went back up the stairs and headed towards the roof where she knew she would find Mark, careful to avoid walking past the studio.
Back in the kitchen, Livvy turned to her twin, "What do you think that was about?"
Ty simply shrugged his shoulders and put his headphones back on. "Something tells me I don't want to know."
Emma walked out onto the roof and spotted Mark instantly, dangling his feet over the edge on the far side of the building. He must not have heard her walk up because he jumped in surprise when she spoke. "Holding up your end of the deal nicely, I see."
Mark made a noise somewhere between a laugh and a grunt. He stared at his hands, folded in front of him as he leaned his elbows on his knees. "I could see the hurt in his eyes already, and all I said was I needed to talk to you. Are you sure you want to do this, Emma?"
"Not at all. It's actually the last thing I want to do. But I have to. I don't have a choice. I just hope he can't tell I'm lying. I thought for sure Livvy was going to call my bluff in the kitchen. I think I may have over done it. Julian knows me better than anyone in the entire world. He'll see right through me."
"I told you, it doesn't have to be a lie Emma," he said with a wink. She knew he was kidding, but she still made a it a point to dramatically roll her eyes and punch him in the arm, maybe a bit harder than she should have. He rubbed his arm pretended to look hurt. She was starting remember the boy he used to be, the one who'd taken care of his younger brothers and sisters. The one who had spent hours helping her perfect her butterfly kick. She remembered how easy he'd made it look, like the laws of gravity didn't apply to him. She remembered how many times she'd fallen on her face, and the one time she'd dislocated her shoulder after a particularly bad fall. She remembered the infirmary and Julian drawing an iratze on her shoulder blade and the immediate relief she felt not only from the healing rune, but also from having Jules so close to her. No. Stop it. She couldn't think like that anymore. Mark would have to become source of comfort from now on.
Emma and Mark sat side by side, staring out across the ocean; neither saying a word. Mark reached out and took her hand in his. They were in this together, no matter how badly they both wished things could be different.
