This was supposed to be a Talk Like a Pirate Day fic, but it took me almost a year to write it, and I'm too impatient to wait. I'll be posting the other chapters over the next few Mondays! Thanks to Sitabethel for beta'ing!
Bakura heard banging coming from outside his bedroom door. He tried to ignore it in favor of a few more blissful minutes of sleep, but the bed kept dipping subtly. That was odd, since it usually only did that after a night of heavy drinking and Bakura couldn't recall getting drunk the night before.
Then a horn blared from somewhere overhead and Bakura bolted from the bed.
"What the fuck?!"
Looking around, Bakura realised that, although he was indeed in a bed, it wasn't his bed.
The unfamiliar room was a cramped, stained wood affair. A set of steps leading up were built into the wall opposite the bed, and to his right Bakura noticed a small window covered with a white curtain. Dragging himself from the plush double bed, Bakura went and pulled the curtain aside. Nothing but water and fog as far as he could see. Bakura rested his head against the cool glass and closed his eyes.
A boat. He was on a boat he couldn't remember boarding. That meant either Ryou had wrestled control for a bit, or Marik had dragged him off on some harebrained scheme while he slept. The latter being the more likely of the two, Bakura mentally prepared himself for whatever absurdity he was about to partake in before pushing off from the wall and heading up the stairs to find Marik.
It didn't take long. Bakura had no sooner topped the steps when Marik appeared like magic. He looked quite a vision in a plum colored admiral's coat, frothing white belly shirt, beige skin-tight slacks, and thigh high black boots. And to top it all off, a massive, black pirate hat perched atop his blonde locks, stuck through with a gigantic purple feather. Bakura took a moment to simply take it all in.
"Ahoy, Bakura! Blimy! It's nearly midday. I was beginning to think ye'd never wake up!"
"Marik," Bakura asked slowly, "Why the hell are we on a boat?"
"Because we're pirates !" Marik shouted, as if that explained everything. Bakura tried again.
"Yes, alright, but why are we pirates?"
"Because pirates are friggin' awesome!" Marik pumped a fist in the air.
Bakura sighed and rubbed his face. He was not nearly awake enough for this. "I don't know why I expected a logical response."
"Aw, where's your sense of fun, Fluffy?"
"I must have left it back on dry land," he muttered.
"Oh, I almost forgot! I got you a hat, too."
Marik pulled a second hat from his hammerspace. Bakura looked between the brown, triangular hat Marik offered him and Marik's much larger black one. "Why's yours so much bigger?"
"The captain always has the biggest hat, Bakura! That's how you know he's the captain." Marik slapped the hat on Bakura's head, but it didn't fit well over his tufts of hair and fell to the deck. Marik frowned at Bakura's white mane. "Your hair is a problem."
Ignoring that, Bakura asked, "Who said you could be the captain, anyway?"
"The crew! We voted while you slept. It was unanimous. But you get to be my first mate!"
"Bollocks to that! I want a revo-wait, what crew?"
For the first time, Bakura looked around the upper deck.
There were a few random men and one woman spread out along the vessel. Each "crew member" had on a third-rate pirate costume that would have looked right at home in a high school performance of Pirates of Penzance. Foam cutlasses adorned every sashed hip, and tall, dark boots crawled up each pair of legs. Most had a bandana on their head, as well as an eye patch, fake hook-hand, or in the case of the helmsman, a stuffed Parrot Dragon on his shoulder.
"Let me guess-your Steves?"
"Haha! Yes -I mean, aye !" Marik pointed to each of the "crew" in turn, who were mostly standing about in a daze. "That guy at the wheel is Navigator Steve, and the guy by the railing is Lookout Steve, and that's Cabin Boy Steve with the fishing pole, and the girl at the bar is Steve the Wench."
"Wait, her name is Steve, too?"
"Don't be sexest, Bakura! Girls can be named Steve!" Marik leaned close and spoke in a loud whisper behind his hand. "Actually, her name is Stevie, but I convinced her to let us call her Steve so the Rod would work on her. She worked as a bartender, so she makes the best drinks!"
Bakura gave the bar a wistful once-over. "I could use one of those."
"Good idea! Wench! Bring First Mate Bakura and I two flaggans o' your best grog!"
Steve did as she was bid, and Bakura sniffed at the foamy drink before taking a sip. He thought it was good, if bland, but Marik apparently didn't find the drink to his taste.
"Ugh, this tastes like toilet water!"
"Actually, it tastes like watered down rum, which is what grog is." Bakura took another sip and shrugged. It wasn't great, but it could have been worse.
"I can't believe pirates drink this stuff!"
"Would you like something else, Master Marik?" Wench Steve droned.
"Yeah, something that's actually good! What do you suggest?"
"How about a Screaming Orgasm?"
Bakura choked and sputtered on his grog.
'Geez, Bakura, don't inhale it!" Marik scolded, slapping Bakura's back until he waved him off, his face simmering. Turning back to Steve, Marik asked, "What's it got in it?"
"It's made with vodka, Kahlua, and Irish Cream."
"Hey, that sounds pretty good," Marik decided. "What do you think, Bakura? Do you want a Screaming Orgasm?"
"Only if you're the one giving it to me," Bakura muttered, wiping ineffectually at his shirt.
"What was that?"
"I said, sounds good."
Steve nodded, then snatched Bakura's mug away before meandering back to the bar.
"So do we actually have an objective? Besides getting loaded to the gunwalls, that is."
"Aye! We assail any ships we encounter and plunder their booty!"
Bakura gazed dolefully out at the foggy horizon. "I don't think we'll be running into too many other people," he confessed. Then he grinned, eyeing Marik sidelong. "But you can plunder my booty anytime."
"Pirates don't steal from other pirates, Bakura. That's against the code."
Bakura went to retort, but Steve came back at that moment with fresh drinks. "Your drinks, Master Marik."
"That's Captain Master Marik!"
Ignoring him, the Steve went back to cleaning the bar, and Bakura picked up his hat and walked with Marik over to the booth-like table that sat between the bar and the helm.
"So, where exactly is, uh, Navigator Steve taking us?"
"To adventure!"
Bakura fought the urge to throttle Marik, instead gulping at his drink. This one tasted better, ridiculous name aside. It was strong, at any rate.
"Ok, but where is he driving us? How long have we been at sea?"
"A few hours. We would have shipped out sooner, but somebody refused to wake up. I had to have the Steves carry you to the boat."
"And our destination?"
"We don't have one."
"Well, where's the map?"
"Right here."
Marik pulled out a piece of papyrus and handed it to Bakura.
"Marik, this is just a long, curvy line with an X on it. I meant the real map."
"Silly Kitty. That's the only map we need! See, the X is where the treasure is!"
Bakura set his drink down, his gut roiling. "Wait, so are you telling me we don't have a map?"
"I told you, that is the-"
" Don't fuck with me, Marik!"
Marik huffed and folded his arms over his frilly shirt. "I can't talk to you when you're like this."
"This map is useless for navigation! We could be anywhere in the bloody ocean!"
"We'll be fine," Marik assured him with all of the confidence of a man blinded by his own delusions. "I instructed Navigator Steve to bring us back home if we didn't find any treasure by day's end."
A muscle jumped in Bakura's jaw, and he fought to unclench his teeth. "And how exactly is he supposed to get us back home when he doesn't know where we are?"
"He's the Navigator, Bakura. He knows exactly where we are. Isn't that right, Navigator Steve?" Marik added, shouting toward the helm.
"Yes, Master Marik."
Marik puffed out his chest triumphantly. " See !"
Bakura shook his head. "Alright then. Navigator Steve, where are we?"
The Steve continued to stare off into the fog.
"Uh, Marik?"
"You are to answer First Mate Bakura, Steve!"
"Yes, Master Marik. We are on a boat."
"Yes, I can see that," Bakura snapped. "Where is the boat currently located?"
"In the Pacific Ocean."
Bakura's blood pressure was increasing by the second. At this rate, he'd give Ryou a heart attack before his eighteenth birthday. " Where in the Pacific Ocean?"
"...the Pacific Ocean," Steve repeated.
Bakura threw his hands up. "URGH! Fan-bloody-fucking-tastic!"
Marik huffed and picked up Bakura's abandoned tankard before shoving it into his chest.
"Will you relax? Here. Drink this."
Bakura wanted to scream at Marik for getting them hopelessly lost, but since that would only make Marik pouty and even less reasonable, Bakura gave in and drank. They sat in silence. Only the sounds of water lapping at the hull and Wench Steve cleaning dishes could be heard.
Marik cleared his throat loudly, his fingers fidgeting with his cup. "So…" He glanced at Bakura, who stared ahead. "You wanna see something cool?"
Bakura lifted an eyebrow but made no other indication he was listening.
"I taught them some pirate jargon!" Standing up, Marik cupped his hands around his mouth. "Alright ye yellow bellied scallywags! Heave to and lend an ear." The Steves all stopped what they were doing and faced Marik, awaiting orders. Marik beamed. "Hoist the Jolly Roger you gutless curs, and bring a spring upon 'er, Navigator Steve."
"Uh, Marik, this is a motor-powered yacht. It doesn't have rigging for a pirate flag."
Despite that, the Steves hopped to. Navigator Steve turned back to manning the wheel and staring out into nothing. Wench Steve procured a rope from behind the bar while the two others brought up a sheet from the cabin below. In quick order they had a makeshift, purple satin flag with a golden, modified skull and crossbones flapping from a railing. The skull of the design was as expected, however, the lower half wasn't so much "crossbones" and two crossed Millennium Rods.
"Excellant!"
Bakura's anger and frustration fractured. He hid a reluctant smirk with a quaff from his cup.
"Alright ye sorry sea dogs," Marik shouted. "All hands on deck!"
Quick as a thought, the Steves pulled Duel Disks from their hammerspace, fingers primed and ready to draw.
Bakura broke out in peals of laughter.
"I-that's-NO! I mean assemble!"
"These Steves make even you look sharp," Bakura panted, catching his breath back. He was grinning, and when Marik saw it he grinned back.
"Heh, I guess I should have seen that one coming. Okay, as you were, lads."
The Steves dispersed back to their default tasks.
"As entertaining as that was," Bakura said as Marik reclaimed his seat, "it's not all that useful."
Marik flicked his bangs in irritation. "Well, Mr. All-Work-And-No-Play. What would you have me teach them?"
"Something that would help us get back to bloody shore would be nice."
Marik glared. "For frig sake! What do you want me to do? Order all the Steves to abandon ship and go find help?" As soon as the words were out, Marik's face fell, panic in his eyes. "Uh-oh."
Bakura didn't even have time to wonder "what now?" before the Steves began milling about.
Marik jumped to his feet. "Wait! Belay that!"
But the Steves weren't listening anymore. Navigator Steve killed the engine. Wench Steve pulled what looked like an air mattress from behind the bar. Her and the other two Steves dragged it out into the open while Marik ran and tried to yank it away from them. Wench Steve ripped a cord on the side mid-struggle and the thing inflated itself.
"I said stop !"
Ignoring Marik, she threw it overboard before jumping after it. The other Steves followed suit, like lemmings off a cliff.
Marik jumped up and down shouting, "Stop, stop , STOP!" but the Steves were already lost in the fog.
"You can't leave," he called after them. "This is mutiny ! Damn it, Bakura! They stole the cockboat!"
"The what ?!"
"The dingy! They took the only lifeboat!"
"This isn't even a real ship! It's a yacht. Why the hell did it have a dingy?"
Marik's hands planted on his hips. "In case of emergencies, duh! Plus it's like that one meme. Yo dog, I heard you like boats, so we put a dingy on your yacht so you can boat while you boat."
Bakura glowered at Marik and reminded himself that Marik was too sexy to kill out of frustration.
"Then go after them!"
"I can't! Navigator Steve took the boat keys."
"Then get. Them. Back. Here!"
"I tried! Weren't you watching? They're carrying out the first order I gave them."
"Which was?"
"To leave and get help. So all we have to do is wait for them to come back with a search party."
"And how long will that take?"
"Depends on the Steve, usually. But with all four of them carrying out the same order, they'll either find help in record time or…"
Bakura raised an eyebrow, the muscle in his jaw ticking again. "Or. What ?" he ground out.
"Or they'll get in each other's way and it will take ten times longer."
"Great. Just bloody great! You decided on a whim to drag me out treasure hunting, and now we're stranded in the middle of the fucking ocean!"
"Well, at least it's better than the desert."
"How do you figure?"
"There's plenty of water, so we won't get thirsty!"
"The ocean is mostly salt, Marik. You can't drink it."
"Oh." Marik looked stumped for a second, then his lilac eyes brightened. "There's also alcohol!"
Bakura sighed. "That won't help with dehydration, but if we're going to die anyway, might as well get shitfaced first."
With thoughts of drinking himself to oblivion running through his mind, Bakura downed his drink and headed for the bar to make another.
