Pokèmon Mystery Dungeon: Team Lithium

I don't own Pokèmon. If I did, I wouldn't write fucking fanfictions about it.

Chapter 1: Beach Party!

"Man, that's creepy," the Chikorita said to herself as she stood in front of the Wigglytuff-head shaped building. "But I'm gonna do it this time. I need to!" she stepped onto the wooden grating in front of the building.

"POKEMON DETECTED! POKEMON DETECTED!" a voice shouted from the grate.

"HOLY SHIT!" a yellow liquid seeped from the startled Chikorita.

"WHOSE FOOTPRINT? WHOSE FOO- AH! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!"

"Oh no!" she ran from the building and down the stairs to the crossroads as fast as she could. Which, by the way, was pretty fast, despite how short her legs are. "I can't BELIEVE I pissed myself! It's so damned scary…" She sighed deeply. "Oh well, I'll guess try again tomorrow. Maybe," she said, depressed, as she walked to the nearby beach. "I wish I could be as brave as-" She stopped, noticing a bluish-black mound on the beach. "Wait, what's that?" she said to herself. There was something strange about it… she began walking over to it. As she got closer, she could make out legs and a head on the strange mound. "That's a Pokèmon!"

The alleged Pokémon in question spoke up. "Ugh, can you PLEASE shut the hell up? I have a massive headache." The mound said, getting up. Turns out, it was a Cyndaquil, and it looked annoyed and confused. "Where the hell am I and where is the Pokemon?" he turned to see the Chikorita. "Oh, there you are. Now where's the loud-ass that woke me up?" he said, looking around for the source of the voice that had made his headache worse. However, he only saw the Chikorita. Why is she so tall? Wait, is she tall, or am I short? Fuck it, I'm probably high,he thought, thinking about what he and his friends had done the night before. Wait a minute. What exactly DID we do?

"Uh, hey, are you okay?" the Chikorita asked him.

"Did you just fucking talk? Yup, I must be high. What the hell did I smoke? I need some more. Please, Chikorita created from my habit of doing whatever my friends hand me, tell me where I am and how the hell I got here." He was just a LITTLE worried now. His friends were too stupid to get along in life without him.

"Um… you're at the beach south of Treasure Town. I'm not sure how you got here, but I would assume you walked, right?" The Cyndaquil narrowed his closed eyes. However that works. "And just so you know, I'm real."

"Real, eh. Ok then, I am either the luckiest man alive, or completely and utterly fucked. Maybe it worked… but then, where are they at? Hey, have you seen a… green… Pokèmon and a blue Pokèmon anywhere anywhere around here? And please tell me, what do I look like?" Dammit. I can't remember much. But, if she's real, maybe we can have some 'fun'. She is pretty cute. And fuck society.

"Um… I need a better description than that. But you look like a perfectly normal Cyndaquil to me. And, what exactly worked?"

"A Cyndaquil? Dammit. What region are we in? Johto, Hoenn, Unova, what?"

"Wow! Where are those?! You must be an incredible explorer! You've been to entirely different regions that I haven't even heard of!" She was about to continue her ranting, but the Cyndaquil interrupted her.

"Hey! Why aren't you answering any of my questions?" He was getting very… irritated with her. If she's always like this, maybe I should forget about the fun I wanted to have.

"Oh! I'm sorry! I'll just start from the beginning. I'm Crystal, a Chikorita. I live in Treasure Town, which is just north of here."

"That's not exactly the beginning, more like an introduction that I never intended to have. Whatever. My name's Drew. Is there a bar in Treasure Town? I really need a drink." Drew said, somehow not very unnerved that he was a Cyndaquil, in a place he had never heard of, and saw two suspicious-looking Pokèmon, a Zubat and a Koffing, approaching them from behind Crystal.

"HEY!" The Koffing shouted, crashing into Crystal. "You're getting robbed!" he yelled stupidly as he picked up the rock that had fallen from wherever the Chikorita had kept it. Her ass, maybe?

"Hey! What do you think you're doing?! That's mine! Give it back!" Crystal shouted at them, pissed as hell for being tackled to the ground and having her MOTHER FUCKING ROCK stolen.

"Nu-uh. Zubat, check this out. Think it's valuable?" the ball of gas asked the bat flying next to him.

"Yeah, it looks like it's worth a fortune!" the bat said in answer. "We're gonna take this and you're gonna sit here and cry about having your treasure stolen like the little bitch you are!"

"I said give it back!" Crystal yelled, getting more pissed by the second.

The Koffing spoke up this time. "Whose gonna make us? You? Last time I checked, Poison beats Grass, and there are two of us. And I doubt your little faggot boyfriend is enough to take us!"

"AHEM! Sirs, I assure you that I am in no way associated with this Pokèmon." Drew said, motioning to Crystal. "She seems a little too nice for my taste."

"Oh really? So you're not even going to TRY to stop us?"

"On the contrary Mr…. Zubat, was it? I am going to help you." He was interrupted by Crystal.

"WHAT?! WHY-"

"Shut up," he said, cutting her off right back. "Now, do you really think that that FUCKING ROCK is worth enough to risk going to jail for? I don't, so just give her back the rock and we can all forget this bullshit, get drunk off our asses, and go find a few prostitutes. After all, it is a CHUCKLEFUCKING ROCK." Drew said, attempting to be diplomatic. The Poison duo looked at each other for a minute, considering this.

"NOPE!" they both yelled at the same time, getting ready to attack.

"Oh well. That's too bad," Drew said. He promptly tackled them both to the ground and proceeded to beat the living shit out of them. When he was done, and they were both thoroughly knocked out, he handed Crystal back her rock that, for whatever reason, perhaps retardation, the Poison types had deemed valuable. "Here. Told you to shut up," he said, smiling at her.

"Uh, thanks Drew," she said, smiling back. She then looked at the duo knocked out cold on the sands. "Uh, shouldn't we do something with them?"

"Yeah," he said, walking over to the Koffing. He then pissed on him and grabbed him. "You grab the Zubat. Feel free to piss on him. Let's drag these two into that cave over there. I bet they've stolen from somebody in there."

"Um… o-okay," she said, grabbing the Zubat. She did not, however, piss on him.

After they had taken the Poison type's bodies into the cave, let them wake up, and listened to their screams for a little while, Crystal spoke up. "You know, for a second there, I thought you really were going to help them."

"Pft, no way, I'm too nice to do that."

"… Didn't you say I wasn't your type because I was too nice?"

"Yup."

"So are you a hypocrite, or indecisive?"

"Both, and proud of it."

"… Alright then," Crystal said. There was a pause in their conversation, then "Hey Drew."

"Yeah?"

"Do you want to join an exploration team with me?" Crystal asked, her eyes shining.

"… I guess. Might help me remember some shit. Maybe. I barely remember my friends. No idea what their names were. And until I DO remember more, I've got nothing better to do. Hey, do they have vodka? I'm in the mood for vodka."

"Vodka?

Alright. Rewritten. A little bit. Next chapter is a bit more extreme of a rewrite.