God…will you forgive me? I tried. I tried desperately to continue on living. I ate the food at the hospital. Even when I could feel the bile rising in my throat….even when it was painful to swallow…I smiled. I pushed back the tears threatening to fall…and I pretended that the wounds littering my body…didn't exist. No one visited me. Not mother, not father, no one. So I sat through the therapy sessions. I ate the food they offered me. I watched them as they tried to get mother to come see me. But…God.., it was so very painful. I could hear mother yelling through the phone. She said that I was a monster, she told them that she wanted me to die. Then,…they would come back with the fake smiles painted on their faces….and tell me that mother couldn't come to see me again because she was busy. I knew they were lying…I knew that they were trying to spare my feelings. So I did my best to be well mannered….I tried my best to be a good child.

My days at the hospital were all the same after that. The doctors didn't try to reach mother again. I think they had finally realized….that to mother I was nothing. In therapy, …they asked me how I had gotten so hurt. I told them that it was because I was a bad child. I never ever did anything right…and mother….mother was just trying to make me a better child. When the nurse heard me say that, she began to cry. I didn't understand why. After that…..they switched the nurse with someone else. This one didn't smile like the other one did. But…I could tell…I could tell that she was kind. She asked me where it hurt the most. Which wound made me want to cry. I pointed to my heart…and I think she finally understood. When mother hit me….I didn't feel anything anymore. It was easy to deal with the physical pain, because I wouldn't be able to feel it eventually. But knowing that mother hated me…that she didn't want me….made my heart ache all the time. I wondered if it was broken…because hearts can't be fixed..right? I couldn't feel the warmth where my heart should be. So I asked her…I asked that lady with the gentle eyes if my heart would be warm in heaven. I thought it would be nice to leave this world….this world where I was so unneeded. I read in a book one time…that even if I was such a bad child…even if I never did anything right…. this "God" person would love me. I didn't know what this "love" was….but I was sure that it must be nice. Because…when I heard people use that word…their eyes would become very soft…and their smiles would be so sweet. I wonder….what does this 'love' feel like?