A/N: I doubt you'll find anything like this on gofundme dot com

Summary: Demon Dean Winchester's crowdfunding project has a bit of a twist from all the others: "...this one won't cost you a thing. Not one thin dime. All you have to do is hit the button on the next screen and pledge your soul to me...I guarantee that the next twelve months will be the best damn year of your life. You can party non-stop if you wanna. It's all you." Three crack-filled chapters.


Found on gehenna soulharvest dot com.

Chapter 1 - Deal or no deal

How To Stop All That Emo Crap & Get Whatever You Want In Life

By Dean Winchester

Funding Successful. This project exceeded all expectations and was successfully funded on September 7th. The original goal was 2,000,000.

Final Count:

9,075,030

Backers

9,075,030

Souls pledged

0

seconds to go.


Project Goals

Everybody has dreams. I mean everybody. And what's so wrong with getting what you want out of life? Not a damn thing. Like it or not, you have an expiration date. The Big Guy upstairs saw to that one, so you might as well enjoy yourself while you can. Believe me, I've been there. I wasted years of my life bawling like a bitch, worrying about other people and crap I couldn't control. I got a new lease on life a few months ago and now I couldn't be happier.

You can have whatever you want in life. And I'm just the dude who can deliver.

How? Because I'm awesome, that's how. Forget those other crowdfunding campaigns, this one won't cost you a thing. Not one thin dime.

All you have to do is hit the button on the next screen and pledge your soul to me. You do that and I guarantee that the next twelve months will be the best damn year of your life. You can party non-stop if you wanna. It's all you.

Want to win the lottery? Consider it done. Have dreams of becoming an overnight sensation, a famous rock star? Done. Wanna be the next Stephen King? That's doable. Problems with noisy neighbors? Say hello to peace and quiet. Family doesn't understand you? I've been there. Co-workers taking advantage of you on the job? You're singing to the choir with that one. Does the guy or girl you'd love to be with ignore you instead and won't give you the time of day? No problemo.

I can give you anything you want.

Let that sink in for a moment: I can give you ANYTHING you want. Anything your heart desires.

All for the price of that dumbass soul that you never use anyway.

After you make your pledge I will personally come to your house and we'll seal the deal. We can even take a selfie to mark the occasion. That's a freebie.

Now I know what you're thinking: "My soul? WTF?" Hold on, hear me out. Don't hit that big red X at the top right corner of the screen just yet.

Stop and think about this for a moment. Think about what a useless POS your soul really is. It's like your appendix. Or a toenail. What is your soul good for? Not much. Can you pay the rent with it? No. Put gas in your car with it? No. Buy groceries, a movie ticket or that latest CD/DVD?

Nope.

Nope.

Hell no.

I rest my case. The damn thing's worthless. About time you put it to good use.

Even if you don't believe in souls, even if you don't believe you have one, you want a better life or you wouldn't have clicked on this link in the first place. Let's say you don't believe a damned thing I'm saying. Fair enough. You can always think of this as a fun way to spend your time online. Harmless, right?

What's the catch? Well, it's a small one. At the end of 12 months I'll come see you again. We'll take a trip. Somewhere warm. All expenses paid. We'll see the sights, have a few laughs.

I posted my photo with this project so you can see that I'm not like those weirdo creeps on Craigslist. Picture that sweet ass standing at your door dressed in a black designer suit. Need I say more? The complete photoshoot is here on my Facebook page: deamonwinchester


â–¼PLEDGE YOUR SOULâ–¼

4, 237, 891 backers as of Sep 4

I want to thank everybody who's signed up so far. The sky's the limit, folks. You won't regret it.


Risks and Challenges

Risks? There are none. Zip. Zero. Nada.

Challenges? Yeah, there might be a few. Not gonna lie to you about that. Your family and friends and the high and mighty powers that be may try to talk you out of this. Comes with the territory. Their lives are totally screwed up, and they want yours to stay messed up too. I guarantee that at some point you'll get a visit from two fake FBI agents. One of them will be Sasquatch with shaggy hair and the other one's this Lieutenant Colombo wanna-be in a wrinkled tan trench coat. They'll try to convince you that pledging your soul was the worst idea in the history of bad ideas. When they show up on your doorstep don't say I didn't warn you.

If you want to miss out on the opportunity of a lifetime and keep living your dull boring life, go ahead. I'm not gonna twist your arm. I believe in free will. Turn this down and every day you'll be reminded of the life you know you deserve.

But if you want the good life then hit that pledge button and get ready to rock and roll. It's just that simple.


Update #1: Sep 3

What did I tell you? What were my words to you?

The Catholic Church and the Vatican are badmouthing this project all over the damn 'net.

Screw them.

They tried their best to shut us down, and that was an epic fail. You guys are great. Thanks for not listening to those pious sonsofbitches.


Comments

A TROLL on Sep 1
My cousin tole me about this website where I can make 1200 dollars a day at my computer. I applied and I -

Creator Dean Winchester on Sep 1
Okay, that's it. You're outta here, jackass.

A TROLL ON Sep 1
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH-

Creator Dean Winchester on Sep 1
Sweet. Next?

Rosalie Dawson on Sep 2
I just didn't know what to expect. And then you showed up on my doorstep yesterday wearing that dark blue suit. No tie. You really listened to me and you didn't think my dream was weird or stupid. Things changed overnight, and I can't tell you how happy I am now. Ummm...is it okay if I posted my selfie to Facebook? And Instagram? Live Journal? Tumblr?

Creator Dean Winchester on Sept 2
The deal's done, sweetness. What you do with your selfie is up to you.

N. Wilson on Sep 2
OMG, you're sooo right! Those two came to my house yesterday and asked all kinds of questions. I knew they were fake 'cause the one in the tan coat held his ID upside down when he showed it to me. Said you were a demon and that I'd be damned for all eternity. I don't care. You're a hottie. The big one was kinda cute though, lol.

Creator Dean Winchester on Sep 2
Thanks, babe. Have fun. See you in 12 months.

Billy Markinson on Sep 2
Dude, I thought this was a scam. Pledged just for shit and grins. Now I'm living it up in Malibu with a beach house and wall to wall surfer chicks. I don't know how in the hell you did this. Thanks!

Creator Dean Winchester on Sep 2
Funny you should say that. Never mind. Enjoy.

Sam Winchester on Sep 3
Dean, this is monstrous. I'm going to stop you.

Creator Dean Winchester on Sep 3
You and what army, Sasquatch? Good luck with that.

Aaron Payne on Sep 3
I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH COLUMBIA RECORDS! THEY WANT TO SIGN ME UP! YOU DIDN'T LAUGH AT ME WHEN I SAID I WANTED TO BE THE NEXT JUSTIN BIEBER! THANKS, MAN!

Creator Dean Winchester on Sep 3
Whoa. Extreme exclamation point abuse. Use your inside voice. It's your deal, pal. You're happy, I'm happy.

Barry Whitefeather on Sep 4
I really want - I need- to see you again. I saw your Facebook page and I made my pledge just so I could meet you. I won the state lottery today, just like I wanted to, but I don't care about any of that. I really enjoyed it when we sealed the deal. I can't wait a year to see you. I need to see you now. Interested?

Creator Dean Winchester on Sep 4
Hell no. I'm flattered, but this isn't personal, it's business. I have a type and you ain't it.

Shirley Edmunds on Sep 4
Um...I got the insurance settlement for Lenny, my husband. Wasn't that weird how that twister came down and picked up his car? Come by my house. I'd like to thank you personally.

Creator Dean Winchester on Sep 4
I got a busy schedule but I'll see if I can fit you in. Otherwise I'll see you in twelve. Months, that is.

Castiel, an Angel of the Lord on Sep 5
You're going down a dangerous path, Dean. You must stop what you're doing immediately.

Creator Dean Winchester on Sep 5
Hey, bird butt. I got your grace.

Castiel on Sep 5
Bird butt? Wait, you what? You do?

Creator Dean Winchester on Sep 5
Yep. I won it on ebay. One'a Metatron's flunkies put it up for auction.

Castiel on Sep 5
Are you...are you going to give my grace back to me?

Creator Dean Winchester on Sep 5
Suuure I am.

Castiel on Sep 5
Uh...you're not really going to give it back, are you?

Creator Dean Winchester on Sep 5
Nope! I'm just messing with you.

Sam Winchester on Sep 6
I'm sorry, Dean. This ends now. Exorcizamus te -

Becky the Fangirl on Sep 6
Hello, Sam. When you speak Latin like that you give me chills all over.

Sam Winchester on Sep 6
Huh? Becky? How did you get inside the Bunker?

Becky the Fangirl on Sep 6
Calm down, Sam. Let the magic work.

Sam Winchester on Sep 6
Wh-wh-at-t...a-are...y-you-u...d-doi-ng-g...t-tooo...m-meeee...

Becky the Fangirl on Sep 6
That's better. Sleep now, Sam. Thanks, Dean! I'll send you a postcard on our honeymoon. Europe looks nice this time of year.

Creator Dean Winchester on Sep 6
Glad to help, Becks. You crazy kids have fun. And this time don't unchain him from the bed. Have a good year!


SITE ADMINISTRATOR on Sep 7

This project is now closed. Much thanks to everyone for their support. We're keeping your rooms hot and ready for you down here, boys and girls. Until next time, darlings. - Crowley


Pop culture reference: "What did I tell you? What were my words to you?" - John Milton/Satan (Al Pacino) from "The Devil's Advocate."

Chapter 2 will be posted Wednesday.