The nations were gathered in America's house, waiting for the meeting to begin. Everyone was present, including England.
"Ve~! I want pasta! How about you, Germany? Do you want pasta?" Italy asked, same as normal.
"Italy! Be quiet! We are guests here, ja?" Germany reprimanded.
"Bastard! Don't talk to mio fratello like that!" Romano shouted.
"Everyone, just give it a rest! Russia's smiling like that again! It's scaring me! Big Brother England! Help me!" Sealand screamed, running around the room.
"America, can we just start the meeting already? My boss wants me back soon," England asked.
"Fine, fine. The food should be here soon-" America was cut off by a tribal shriek.
"Haole! Where did you hide my kahili? An anai on you and your ohana!" the voice shrieked again. The large doors burst open and the young woman who stood there, mid-rant, stopped short at seeing so many people. She had the dark skin, dark eyes, and thick, dark hair of the native Hawai'ians. "Aloha, aha 'oukou eia a'e?" Her voice was tribal, and resonating.
"Uhhh, America... Whose she? And why did she call you that?" Canada asked.
"You look just like that haole! Maybe he'll let me kill you instead!" the native asked, excited. She cast her fierce gaze around there room, becoming poisonous when it fell on America, but curious and deadly when it landed on England. "Beretania! Why you here? I thought we had ridden the aina of your pelapela!"
"Oh, dear. See, I was different back then... I'm not that way any more. Please don't eat me!" England begged, his voice small.
"You stole the huna and forced us to Christianity! To bad the anai hasn't worked yet! I've been hoping anaana wouldwork for me, but sadly it hasn't. And too bad the Ka Huakai O Ka Po haven't driven you insane yet!" she spat venomously.
"Those ghosts were you?" England squeaked.
"Who else? You killed my people, just the same, now they will haunt you mau loa!"
"America! Who is that and why does she want to kill me?" Canada shrieked.
"Uhh, guys, let me introduce you to Hawaii, or Noelani Kukoa," America said, smiling slightly. "I was the hero! I saved her from the clutches of savages!"
"What? You 'saved me from the clutches of savages'? Those savages were my nehunehu! You thought they were throwing me to Pele, but they were giving me new life from her! And you can't even say 'Hawai'i' right! It's not Hawaii," she spat with a nasal quality, mocking England. "That's right, you haole, you Amelikai! You annexed me with threats and violence, remember? I was a nation! And now I'm nothing more than a kahu! And no, I will not make you hamburgers!"
The other nations looked stunned, but Canada was hiding behind Russia, scared for his life.
Spain whistled, "America, when did she move here?"
"Back in 1898. So awhile ago," America replied, watching the native warily.
"That horrible, horrible time! You couldn't stop those thrice-cursed haole from trying to kill the alii! They made great King Kalakaua to sign over my country at knife-point! They threaten to kill my nehunehu with Marines, unless Queen Liliuokalani didn't sign the petition! And you call yourself a hero! Ku give me strength, you make me sick!" Noelani shouted.
"Tomato bastard, let me go!" Romano shouted.
"No, Romano, she might just want to kill you," Spain retorted, struggling to keep the Italian subdued.
"I don't kill keikis. I'm not heartless. Amelikai just makes me very mad. And keiki, try keiki manuahi, that means bastard, which seems to be your favorite word," her words were kind, but she kept glaring at America and England, who both seemed to be trying to sneak away.
"Oh no you don't! Amelikai, Beretania! Not so fast! I'm still deciding who to throw in the imu! I would enjoy hearing you scream while I buried you alive, unable to get away because of the tea leaves! Ha!" Noelani made good time getting across the room and grabbing the both of them by the collars.
The other nations stilled again. No one had ever treated America and England like this, except each other, and even then it wasn't this bad.
She threw them down into the chairs they had previously occupied, and stared down at them with obvious comtempt. "Stupid lolos, you really thought you could get away from me?"
"Estonia, aren't Hawaiians supposed to be laid back? Why is she acting like Cuba?" little Latvia asked his older brother quietly.
But Noelani heard, and turned to face him, "Oh, keiki, my nehunehu are the same. We can take a lot, but we will snap, just like any other kanaka. I once heard a wise old woman say that a true Hawai'ian had no temper, but if you manage to make one of us mad, we'd hunt you down, roast you alive, eat your heart, then throw the remains to Kanaloa. I've done it before, and I've always wanted to do it to these two!" She turned abruptly to face America and England. "So, who will it be? Beretania or Amelikai? You can choose. And then we can use your blood to sacrifice to Po! It's perfect! So who wants poi?" Noelani left the room.
America and England exchanged uneasy glances.
"Please don't think me rude, but what did you two do to deserve that?" Japan asked, as polite as ever.
"My sailors overran her beloved, former country, and for awhile, they were known as the Sandwich Isles. Then they killed all of my men and took their country back. We left them alone after that, and eventually they sent their young royals to go to school in my country. Apparently not all was forgotten," England cast his gaze down, ashamed of what he had done back in his pirate days.
"Some, unsavory, Americans decided that Hawaii would make a great addition to the country, so they destroyed the basic human rights the natives held, destroyed their government, and let it become a tourist attraction, slowly destroying the Hawaiian way of life. I thought she would appreciate becoming part of America, but she never has. I swear, she's been plotting my demise since I brought her here to live," America joked, trying to lighten the mood. "But seriously, she's always talking about how I'm a plague to any native that lives on a piece of land I want."
"Wait, she called you something, something weird. Well, a lot of things, but the one that started with a 'h,'" Canada asked, repeating himself.
"She calls me haole, with pretty much means 'cursed, evil, horrible foreigner, but especially Americans.' I don't know why I thought it was such a great idea to annex her country... But hey, I still saved the savages! I'm still the hero!" America proclaimed.
"Ha, at least my people were never haoles. We were always malihini, the welcomed foreigners," Scotland gloated. "one of my men even married a princess!"
So, now for translations, joy...
Kahili: long sticks with feathers woven together at the end,waved above the Royal familyduring certain ceremonies
Anai: a curse
Ohana: family
Aloha, aha 'oukou eia a'e?: Hello, why are you here?
Haole: an unwelcome foreigner, mainly American
Beretania: Great Britain
Aina: land, Earth
Pelapela: filth
Huna: the native Hawai'ian religioun, a pantheon
Anaana: the Hawai'ian superstition of "praying a person to death"
Ka Huakai O Ka Po: The Night Marchers, thought to be spirits of the dead
Mau loa: forever
Nehunehu: people (mulitudes)
Pele: the goddess of the volcanoes
Amelika: American
Kahu: servant
Alii: a member of the royal family
King Kalakaua: A king of Hawai'i, 1836-1891, was forced to sign the Bayonet Treaty
Queen Liliuokalani: the last Hawai'ian queen, 1838-1917, she tried her best to save her people form the Americans
Ku: Hawai'ian God, commonly known as the god of war and kings
Keiki: child
Keiki manuahi: bastard
Imu: an underground oven, where food is paced upon hot stones and then buried for hours while it cooks.
Lolo: idiot
Kanaka: person
Kanaloa: god of the sea
Po: the darkness, the night.
Poi: a traditional food made from the taro root; some like it hot, some like it cold, some like it in the pot nine days old!
Malihini: a welcome foreigner
