Nick glanced down at his white knuckles as his hands gripped the the armrests like a vice, completely of their own volition. His back was poker straight against the back of the chair like some had glued an iron rod to his spine. He closed his eyes trying to block out the situation but the unrelenting engine noises assaulted his ears refusing to let him forget that he was thirty thousand feet in the air. Nick wasn't what you would call an accomplished flyer. His trips to and from Chicago always involved several whiskeys and a sleeping pill but it didn't seem appropriate at 10am. A stinging feeling of envy sat heavily within him as he moved his head just enough to take in his friends around him looking more relaxed than ever. Winston's head was buried in his jacket which served as a makeshift pillow as he lay fast asleep against the small oval window. Next to Winston, Coach bopped his head incessantly as he messed with his iPod and tunes from his huge headphones flooded his ears. He could hear Schmidt a few rows down and make out the side of his face as he leaned into the aisle towards the stewardess and grilled her on the airlines apparent substandard wine offering. Through the chink in between the seats he could see Cece on the other side of Schmidt rolling her eyes and stifling a wry smile.
Nick gritted his teeth and pinched his eyes shut as he felt a slight shudder beneath his feet but the harsh sensation was soon contrasted by a warm, soft palm smoothing gently over the back of his hand. He felt his grip on the chair release just a little as he peeled open his eyes and let his head fall in the direction of the aisle. He watched as she lowered herself down on her knees to meet his eyes, her face etched with concern for him.
"Are you ok Nick?"
Nick didn't want to fall into the cliches of manly bravado, he knew she would see right through it but he couldn't help himself. "Oh I'm fine Jess, just uh...just get bored on these things and you know...I'm just tired I guess."
Yep, she had seen right through him as she completely breezed past his response. "You want me to come sit next to you?"
"No Jess it's fine. I'm fine really." His eyes followed her as she rose into a standing position while he talked, once again ignoring his reply. She leaned over him toward the gentleman in the next seat, the side of her breast brushing ever so slightly against his head before coming directly into his line of sight. Suddenly he was fine, his nerves dissipated as his heart started to pound for an entirely different reason. But his daydream was shortlived as he heard Jess politely requesting to switch seats with the man next to him.
"No Jess you don't need to really I'm ok. I am." But it was too late, his protests fell on deaf ears as he watched the man succumb to Jess' big blues, the way all guys did, and click open his seatbelt to vacate the seat. Nick rose out of his chair cautiously, continuing to grip on to the armrest as the man squeezed past him and disappeared a few seats behind while Jess hopped keenly in his place. Nick quickly sat back in his seat and buckled up, pulling the belt tightly, almost too tight, round his waist. He threw Jess a quick smile as he tried to hide his nerves but she wasn't fooled, she knew him too well. He focused his eyes on the seat in front of him but he could feel her stare burning into the side of his face.
"Quit staring at me Jess I'm fine."
"I'm not." She quickly snapped her head away after being rumbled and shifted in her seat to get herself comfortable as she finally clicked her belt into place. She could hear him letting out shaky deep breaths, trying desperately to stifle them behind his hand so she wouldn't hear. She strained her eyes toward him turning her head as little as possible so he wouldn't feel self-conscious. His head dropped back against the headrest as he closed his eyes tightly, his Adam's Apple bobbing up and down as he swallowed hard. She opened her mouth to ask what he needed but as she saw the muscles in his jaw straining she realised she already knew. She looked down at the firm grip of his left hand and then back to his face, without further thought she skimmed her fingertips against the side of of his hand, slowly prising his fingers away from the cool metal. He kept his eyes closed as she threaded her fingers through his but she felt his appreciation as he squeezed her hand tightly in return.
As the warmth and tenderness of her hand soaked into his skin he felt his muscles slowly start to release the tension which had kept him rigid for the last hour of the flight to Oregon. His mind searched out the dim memory of an excited, and slightly tipsy, Ashley inviting them all to the wedding which Bob had agreed to surprisingly keenly. Nick hadn't thought too much of it at the time thinking it was just a polite gesture from Ashley to keep Jess on side, but here he was thousands of feet in the area, only an hour away from the city that had offered Jessica Day to the world. He had never been but he loved the place already.
They'd had a difficult year, it had brought them both to the brink and tested the strength of their relationship on numerous occasions. He had sat back and watched her be with other guys, just as she had watched him date other girls. The kisses had been painfully tolerable, hearing that one another had finally slept with someone else had been gut wrenching but the one that really stung, the real kicker was watching feelings grow for somebody that wasn't him. The idealistic part of him had wanted to believe that she would never have feelings for anyone else again because of what they had shared, but that's all it was, an ideal. He had watched it happen with his own eyes. He could never say anything and he could never do anything about it because the truth was he had put Jess through the same thing.
He had really tried to create something real with Kai, and when the feelings of attraction and affection started grow week by week, he truly believed he stood a chance. But one day those feelings just stopped growing, they got blocked, the wall between like and love had become impenetrable. He had wanted so badly to fall in love with her, to feel with her what he had felt with Jess but it was impossible. It would always be impossible. Of course, he had never told Jess any of that. The same way Jess never offered him any of the details as to why she had ended things with Ryan. However, Nick had heard from a little birdy, a little Schmidt shaped birdy that the 'L' word had been the final stumbling block in Ryan and Jess' relationship. He had said it. She couldn't. The selfish truth was it had helped Nick to sleep a little better at night.
Their inability to progress what had been genuinely healthy relationships with wonderful, loving people was the big fat elephant in the room which Nick and Jess had yet to address, as was their natural gravitation back towards one another when things had fallen apart. Even through all the heartache and the complexities that life had thrown at them they still turned to each other, no matter how messy things got. He gripped her hand tightly as the plane shuddered once more and she stroked her thumb over the back of his hand comfortingly, while ordering them both a whiskey from the passing stewardess. Jess hated whiskey, he knew she was just trying to make him feel better by pretending it was a casual drink between friends rather than an antidote to his nerves.
Nick felt his whole body sink into relaxation as the wheels of the plane touched down on the tarmac. He exhaled heavily and rubbed his hand harshly over his stubbled cheeks for several moments after the plane ground to a halt. As everyone started to jostle in the aisle trying to retrieve their baggage from the overhead lockers, it was then he noticed how still he and Jess were and how he was still holding her hand. He looked down at their joined hands before snapping his away as embarrassment flooded his face.
"Sorry." He mumbled as he started to fuss with his seatbelt. She moved to rest her hand on his shoulder but he was on his feet in seconds hunting around for their bags. Just as she was starting to feel a tiny niggle of disappointment he handed over her coat with a look of pure sincerity in his eyes.
"Thanks Jess."
"No problem. If we get trapped in the elevator inside the airport you might have to return the favour." She smiled.
His eyes crinkled and he smiled heartily at her joke, their eyes connecting for a few long moments before they heard someone clearing their throat in the aisle behind them, signalling it was time for them to move along. Nick threw Jess' bag over his shoulder along with his own and they trailed down the open plane towards the cool, clean air of Portland. As soon as they hit the terminal Jess went into teacher mode as she gathered the group, they half expected her to pull out a clipboard and take their attendance. They stood in a line in front of her like school kids while she reeled off the route of the last leg of their journey to get to her Mom's house.
Jess and Cece hung back and allowed the guys to pluck all the remaining luggage from the conveyor belt, they seemed to have made it into a competition so Jess figured they were best left to it. They had made fun of her brightly coloured luggage enough to know when they saw it. Jess rocked back and forth on her heels, checking her phone incessantly to see if any of her family had tried to get in touch. She looked nervous, anxious even, something that wasn't lost on her best friend. Cece pouted in confusion as she stared at an oblivious Jess.
"You ok Jess?"
"What? Yeah I'm fine. Why do you ask?"
"I don't know you seem a little edgy."
"No I'm ok, guess I just have a lot on my mind."
"You said you were ok about the wedding, that's still the truth right? I mean if you're finding all of this too hard Jess then..."
"No I am fine with it. I'm happy that my Dad's happy it's just...now that I'm here in Portland and the wedding is a couple of days away it just all feels a little strange. I mean I know my parents are divorced but this just makes it so final." She turned away from Cece feeling a little childish and embarrassed at her frank admission.
"Your Mom and Dad still care a lot about each other Jess."
"Oh I know they do." She nodded forlornly "Just ignore me Cece I'm being silly."
"No you're not. Come here." Cece dropped her bag to the floor and reached her arms around Jess shoulders squeezing tightly. Cece knew better than anyone what Jess had been through after her parents divorce. It was only in the past couple of months that Jess had truly given up on the notion that her parents would one day reunite and it had hit her harder than she would ever admit. Coupled with her breakup with Ryan, it was another solid shake to the foundations of Jess fairytale ideal.
Jess had been vague on some of the details of her break up with Ryan but Cece didn't take it personally, she knew it was nothing to do with Jess being secretive or not trusting Cece with the information, Jess told her everything after all. Jess simply didn't want to invite questions from Cece that she wasn't ready to answer. She knew Jess hadn't been able to tell Ryan that she loved him, because she didn't, Cece saw that as clearly as she saw the sky was blue. But Jess had never told her why and she had never pressed her on it. She didn't need to.
As Nick stared out the window of the cab he absorbed himself in the streets of Portland. He had never been before but something about it felt familiar, comforting even. With every shop, movie theatre and cafe he passed he found himself suppressing the compulsion to quiz Jess if she used to go there when she was younger. Now that he was here in the place she grew up he felt an overwhelming urge to know more about the part of her that he had missed out on for so long. He had seen pictures of Jess when she was a teenager. She hadn't been anything like the girls he used to hang around with when he was in highschool and he often found himself wondering if they would ever have found a way to be friends all that time ago. Would she have written him off for being a slacker? Would he have ignored her for being a bookworm? Or would he have cracked a joke one day in class that made her offer up that smile of hers? Would she have offered to help him study?
He and Jess had talked about visiting Portland when they were together but he had always been a little fearful of the idea of sitting in Bob's home where there was probably shot guns mounted on the wall and sharpened meat cleavers in the kitchen drawers. He had procrastinated time and time again until it was too late, the offer was taken off the table. Until now.
The noise of the busy streets started to fade into the background as they headed into the leafy suburbs. As he watched kids riding their bikes and parents pushing strollers he witnessed a life that seemed so far removed from what he had in L.A. A life he still felt years from achieving. But however vague and distant it was, it was prospect that he could see, it was a dim light it a dark tunnel but it was a light nonetheless. He had questioned so many times whether it was a life he would ever be granted, whether it was a life he would ever be any good at. He had Walt Miller's blood flowing through his veins after all, and family life had never been Walt's strong point. Nick wanted it but he wasn't sure it wanted him.
Kai had been very philosophical about life, she never put any pressure on herself about anything, she took everything as it came. In the beginning Nick had loved that about her, it had been the very thing that attracted him to her, the reason he knew they had something worth taking a little further. She never got flustered or angry about anything, she never took anything too seriously and during the first couple of months of their relationship he wondered if maybe he had hit the jackpot, maybe he was gradually unearthing the perfect relationship. But he was wrong. She accepted his laziness and tolerated his lack of ambition. She validated everything he hated about himself. Jess drove him nuts but she challenged him, she pushed him, she got under his skin. She had ambition, she had values, she had opinions and boy did she express them. She made him feel alive, even when he disagreed with her, even when he knew she was wrong, even when they fought because my God there was always a fire. Jess had lit a fire in him, more than she would ever know.
They never talked about there break up, they didn't want to open up old wounds but Nick could recall with perfect clarity, every word that was exchanged that night. Everything she had said had stuck to him like glue. Nick never wanted to change who he was, he didn't have it in him to keep up that kind of charade, but that didn't mean he couldn't be a better version of what he was. He had been taking small steps for months, doing things, things he kept to himself. Things that Kai never knew anything about, things he had never even told his mother and things he had certainly never told Jess. He had wanted to tell her, they had been close over the past couple of months and he hated feeling like he was lying to her but he was scared. He was scared of what she would think, scared she would question his motives and run a mile in the other direction. Things were good between him and Jess and he wouldn't risk it.
Jess was tired, it took all her resolve not to simply allow her head to fall gently on to Nick's shoulder but he looked too lost in his own head to disturb him. She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye as her lids drooped heavily but whatever it was he was absorbed in kept his attention elsewhere. He had been quiet the entire trip, she knew how fearful he had been about flying but even now he remained quiet. She found herself wondering what he was thinking about, they way she often did when they sat in silence. She could hear Schmidt prattling to the cab driver but she was too tired to make out the words, instead she stared at the side of Nick's face waiting for something that would give away the thoughts in his head. She knew him well and she knew there was something he wasn't telling her, not something bad or worrying, but something. She could feel his brain ticking over, she could see the slight crease in the centre of his forehead just above his nose when he was figuring something out. She hoped he would tell her in time, they had come so far lately she couldn't bear for them to take a step back. But Nick knew she was always there and she trusted that he would come to her when he needed to. She supposed she just missed being needed by him all the time, she missed the feeling of being as important to him as she once had been.
She was always ready to be there for Nick when he needed her but the truth was, for the past few months, it had been the other way around. Two months ago she had come home in tears after ending things with Ryan. Nick has simply taken her in his arms without saying a word. She can't remember how long he held her for but he was there until the tears stopped and he had been there ever since. They were still hesitant with one another at times, they weren't entirely sure what rules applied to them now so they decided not to follow any rules as far as their friendship was concerned. They never had before, there was no reason to start now. They just went as the wind carried them, it just so happened the wind seemed intent on bringing them closer together.
She dropped her head lazily against the back seat and gave Nick a gentle nudge in the ribs making him turn instantly.
"Penny for 'em."
He was silent for several moments before he turned to her a smiled. "It's nice here Jess. I can picture you growing up here."
She lifted her head and smiled at his heartfelt statement, surprised by his sincerity. "Yeah I like it. I mean it's...home."
He grinned at her again trying to ignore how close they were sitting to one another, how hard their arms were pressed to together. "You sure your Mom is ok with all of us crashing. I mean it's not too weird for her considering the circumstances?"
"Yeah, she looking forward to seeing all you guys to be honest. She swears she's ok with everything."
"And you're ok with everything?" He caught her eyes at close range, that was how he got his real answers in spite of what came out of her mouth.
Jess pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose and nodded gently under his soft glare. "Yeah I'm ok."
Ten minutes later Nick found himself in the driveway of Jess' childhood family home being pulled into a tight bear hug by Joan. He looked over her shoulder to see a picture perfect house behind her, surrounded by an immaculate garden. It was hard to imagine Joan rattling round a big old house like that on her own but he supposed the wall to wall memories were a comfort to her. As he pulled back, Joan gave his cheeks an affectionate squeeze and offered him a big toothy smile that only a Day woman could. Nick could see Jess playfully rolling her eyes at her mother's exuberance and trying to usher the gang into the house before Joan got any more excited. Nick walked into the hallway which was flanked by pictures of Jess and Abby at varying ages, partaking in a host of different activities. He smiled to himself, Jess may have looked a little more youthful in the pictures but her eyes and smile had never changed. The house smelled like vanilla and freshly baked cakes, exactly how he had imagined it would. It was traditionally homely but with quirks everywhere, reflected in ornaments and artwork which hung on the wall, some of which it was clear had been done by Jess or her sister. The furniture and the drapes were all slightly miss-matched but in a wonderfully coordinated way.
Jess instinctively made her way towards the kitchen and they all followed closely behind. As Nick walked inside it was clear the kitchen was the hub of the home, he assumed Jess gravitated here everytime she came back to see her mother. Jess started to grab for spoons and mugs with no hesitancy before Joan laid her hands softly on her shoulders and insisted she sit down and let herself be taken care of. As they all sat at a big round wooden table it was clear everyone was immediately at ease in Joan's home, although it wasn't hard to feel comfortable around someone like her, she had a powerful motherly presence that they all loved about her. The only one of them that looked a little out of sorts was Jess, there was something that wasn't quite right but Nick couldn't put his finger on what it was. As she sat and clasped her hands in front of her at the table he reached over and gave them a quick squeeze with his own, instantly pulling back when Joan caught him in the act, a knowing smile playing across her face.
After two cups of coffee Nick excused himself as nature called. He reached the top of the stairs, immediately forgetting which door Jess had said the bathroom was. He paused in the hallway momentarily and noticed the sun shining through a chink in one of the doorways which stood ajar. He walked slowly towards the room knowing instinctively that it was Jess' and pushed the door open gently. He was right, there was doubt it was her room. He could feel her everywhere. It was obvious adjustments had been made here and there over time as Jess had grown older but part of it felt frozen in time. He could almost see Jess laying on her bed with her walkman on, singing along as she wrote in her diary or practised her knitting.
Checking there was nobody behind him, Nick took a tentative step into the room to have a better look, to get a sense of the Jess that he didn't know. There were still one or two tattered looking teddy bears on her bed which made him smile. There were various prints and artwork all over the walls, interspersed with one or two posters he would wager had been there since the early nineties. He laughed to himself as he noticed a closet that wouldn't even close properly due to the abundance of clothes that hung behind the doors and the sewing machine that was proposed up neatly against it. There were photographs everywhere, hung on the walls and in frames dotted around the room.
It was then he noticed a strip of photobooth pictures slotted into the frame of the mirror which stood on her dressing table. Nick felt a strange ache in his chest as he looked at the four small photos which poked out at an angle. He looked at the smiling faces of him and Jess as she sat perched on his knee, he smiled at the camera as she looked down at him lovingly. They had been taken last Christmas when they were together. They had both been at the airport ready to fly home and see their families and they were goofing around to kill time. Jess had been insistent on keeping the photos, claiming she hardly had any photos of the two of them together and he hadn't given them a second thought until that moment. He looked so happy it made his stomach hurt. A roar of laughter from downstairs broke his daze and he bolted for the bathroom, closing Jess' door tight behind him.
Later that evening the smell of cooking food started to flood the kitchen as an apron-clad Joan switched into full host mode, ready to feed six hungry mouths. Jess grabbed a knife and helped her Mom prepare the food as the others disappeared to wash up before dinner. Joan washed her hands and shuffled closer to Jess resting her arm comfortingly around her shoulders and giving her a quick kiss on the cheek, enjoying a mother-daughter moment before the others came back.
"It's so good to see you sweetie. How are you?"
"I'm good Mom."
Joan gave Jess' shoulders and extra squeeze. "You're sure?"
"Yeah I'm fine. I promise."
"Have you seen anything of Ryan?"
Jess shook her head as the familiar feeling of guilt and sadness settled in her belly at the mention of his name. She had never wanted to hurt Ryan, he didn't deserve it. All he had done was care about her and be a good boyfriend. On paper he had been perfect, everything she thought she should want. But there was something missing no matter how hard she had tried to ignore it and she had tried hard to ignore it. At first it was a niggling feeling she was able to suppress with a little bit of distraction but over time it grew and grew until it was all she could see, it was all she could focus on. That feeling she got when she was with Nick, she assumed that in time she would feel that again with someone else but it hadn't turned out that way. She was only now coming to realise that she had seriously underestimated that feeling and the rarity of its existence.
Jess had always been so honest with her mother about her feelings and her relationships but Joan couldn't help but press a little further. "So Nick seems like he's been pretty supportive?"
Jess gave her Mom a warning look but indulged her nonetheless. "Yeah he has been, he's been great."
"That's pretty mature of him don't you think. You know, considering the circumstances?" Joan mused casually.
"Mom he just went through a break up too. He just gets it, that's all."
"Are you sure?"
Jess set her knife down on the counter top and turned to Joan. "What are you driving at Mom?"
Joan paused for just a moment at the same time Nick descended the stairs. He jogged down jauntily before the sound of his name stopped him half way. He paused, taking one step back up to avoid being seen from the kitchen. Their voices were somewhat hushed but still audible as Nick listened to Joan continue.
"I'm just saying it's clear Nick cares a lot about you honey and I know you care for him."
"Of course I do. He's my best friend." Jess continued, chopping the vegetables with just a little more vigour.
In the stairway Nick's heart started to beat a little harder as he craned his neck to hear the conversation better. He knew it was wrong but his curiosity got the better of him.
"Jessica, not a lot of exes have what you and Nick have, you do realise that?"
"Yeah I know." Jess groaned with mild exasperation.
Joan paused and considered wrapping up the conversation but she couldn't help herself. "Does he know why you broke up with Ryan?"
Jess bit her lip into her mouth and lifted her eyes to meet her Mom's. She opened her mouth to speak unaware of Nick's presence in the hallway but before the words could leave her mouth there was a loud knock at the front door. Nick's already pounding heart jumped into his throat at the noise and he fled back upstairs like a scared mouse running back into its hole as Jess came through the hallway to open the door to a loud and buoyant Abby Day.
