EXT. CRYSTAL LAKE WOODS - NIGHT
JASON VOORHEES sits on an old, rickety wooden bench, his
machete stabbed into the ground next to him. As he reads
"Dictionary of American Hand Tools" by the light of the moon,
he sticks a Twizzler into one of the mouth-area holes of his
hockey mask and bites the end off.
His head jerks to attention at the approaching sound of
people talking. Pulling his machete from the ground, he
scrambles to his feet and hurries to hide among the trees and
bushes behind the bench.
A man and a woman, GREG and KELLY, emerge from a clearing,
followed by another man and woman, NATE and STACIE. They are
all 19-year-olds in hiking gear. Nate and Stacie make out
with each other as they walk.
GREG
Look, this part of the path is all
overgrown. Maybe they hid it here.
KELLY
I thought you knew the exact
location.
Nate pulls his face away from Stacie's.
NATE
Well I think this exact location is
a good one for gettin' it on!
Nate gropes Stacie.
STACIE
(giggling)
I thought we were going to find the
hidden hippie weed first.
Jason spies on the group from his hiding spot, gripping the
handle of his machete.
NATE
I don't care anymore. We've been
going around in circles.
KELLY
Nate's right, Greg. You know, if
you've forgotten where it is, I
really don't think Nate and Stacie
would mind. They'd just scamper
off together anyway.
NATE
That is very correct, Kelly.
KELLY
And then we'd be alone with each
other.
GREG
Uh...well...
Kelly slowly reaches a hand out for one of Greg's.
KELLY
So what do you say?
Before she can make contact, he raises both hands in
surrender.
GREG
Okay, okay, I have a confession to
make. I didn't bring you all out
here to hunt for a secret weed
stash.
KELLY
Wait, what?
NATE
I knew it! We're having an orgy!
STACIE
An orgy?!
Jason raises his machete.
GREG
No, not that either.
Jason lowers his machete.
GREG
We've been going in circles because
I've been looking for the right
place where I can tell you...the
horrific legend of Jason Voorhees.
KELLY
You...brought us out here to tell
us a campfire story?
GREG
Well, I forgot the campfire, but
join me on that bench over there
and I'll still tell you the
terrifying tale...if you dare!
Greg heads toward the bench.
KELLY
(humoring him)
Ohh-kay, sure thing.
Kelly turns to Stacie.
KELLY
(hushed)
Why'd you set me up with this guy?!
STACIE
(hushed)
You're the one who wanted a rebound
date after you broke up with
Johnny. Just go with it.
Nate nuzzles Stacie's neck.
NATE
I heard scary stories are a great
aphrodisiac.
KELLY
Fine.
Kelly turns and joins Greg on the bench as he digs through
his backpack.
KELLY
All right, big boy, thrill me.
Greg takes out a flashlight, turns it on and shines it under
his face.
GREG
Once upon a time in the 1950s...
Kelly shoots an annoyed glare at Stacie, who gives a thumbs
up as she and Nate make out.
GREG
...there was this kid named Jason
Voorhees. And he drowned in the
very lake that we are near right
now. And it was the '50s, so they
just left his body there.
Jason's attention focuses on Nate and Stacie as they get down
on the ground and grope each other.
KELLY
Is that so.
GREG
His mom got mad at the counselors
at the old summer camp because they
were supposed to be watching him,
so she killed a bunch of them.
Then one of the counselors chopped
her head off. But it turned out
Jason was alive, so he killed that
counselor and started haunting
these very woods.
KELLY
(dismissively)
Well, gee, that sure was a scary
sto-
GREG
Then he killed a ton of people over
like a three or four-day period.
Eventually he was killed by a kid
who slammed a machete into the side
of his head.
KELLY
Oh, okay. So I guess we're
actually safe from -
GREG
Then when that kid grew up he
accidentally brought Jason back to
life with lightning.
KELLY
Oh for godsakes.
GREG
That was after a copycat killer,
though.
KELLY
Uh-huh.
GREG
Then he fought a psychic girl and
went to Manhattan where he was
dissolved by toxic waste.
KELLY
That pesky toxic waste. Hey Greg,
see Nate and Stacie over there?
Nate pulls his shirt off as Stacie unbuttons hers.
GREG
Yeah?
Kelly scoots closer to Greg.
KELLY
They giving you any ideas?
GREG
You're right. All that exposed
skin is definitely going to need
some bug spray.
He puts down the flashlight and goes for his backpack again.
KELLY
No - just...is this damn story
over yet?
GREG
Well, after that he possessed some
people and went to Hell.
Nate starts sliding Stacie's bra off.
Jason starts raising his machete.
GREG
But Freddy Krueger released him
from Hell. Then he killed Freddy
Krueger. Now, Freddy Krueger was a
guy in Ohio who -
Nate and Stacie immediately turn to Greg, Stacie pulling her
bra back on.
NATE/STACIE
Hey, wait a minute!
Jason's machete-wielding arm freezes in position. He cocks
his head.
STACIE
What happened between the toxic
waste part and the possessing
people part?
NATE
Yeah, there's a big continuity
question in your story, Greg.
KELLY
Oh goddamn it!
Jason lowers his machete and throws his head back in
frustration.
GREG
That's a good point.
Greg pulls a thick stack of papers from his backpack.
GREG
I've outlined some theories
regarding -
Kelly knocks the papers out of Greg's hands.
KELLY
No more! All I wanted was a fun
night out after my breakup!
(sighing)
I could really use that weed right
now.
NATE
It's always important to fix plot
holes, Kelly.
Stacie starts buttoning her shirt.
STACIE
That's right. How can we stay
turned on when there's a glaring
gap in the timeline?
NATE
Yeah, definitely no sex until we
get this figured out.
Jason facepalms.
GREG
Maybe we did need the campfire.
Kelly holds her head in her hands.
KELLY
This is so dumb.
GREG
I know. I'm sorry for my shaky
narrative structure.
Greg opens a beer bottle, the sound causing Jason to perk up.
KELLY
Wait, where'd you get beer?
GREG
I had it.
Jason excitedly readies his machete.
KELLY
This whole time?!
GREG
Yeah. Wanna swig?
KELLY
Gimme that!
Kelly grabs the bottle and begins guzzling it, prompting
Jason to charge out at the group.
GREG
It's Jason!
NATE
Oh shit!
STACIE
Oh no! Are we gonna die?!
GREG
I guess so!
Kelly spits out the beer.
KELLY
Hold on, this is root beer!
Jason stops dead in his tracks.
KELLY
What the hell, Greg?!
GREG
What? I'm not gonna get drunk and
stumble around the woods at night.
It's dangerous.
Jason groans to the sky in exasperation. The group watches
as he stomps over to a tree, punches into it with his fist,
pulls out a big bag of marijuana, throws it on Kelly's lap,
and then storms away.
Everyone sits in silence for a moment.
GREG
So...after the toxic waste melted
him, he possibly turned back into a
kid, but that might have been
someone's hallucination.
Jason returns, approaching Kelly. She flinches as he swings
his machete and slices open the bag of weed. He reaches in
and takes some before trudging off again.
EXT. LARGE BUILDING - BORDER OF WOODS - NIGHT
Jason lumbers out of the woods with pot smoke billowing from
his mask, a joint sticking out of one of the holes over his
mouth. He holds up a sheet of cardboard with "i saRRaNdaR"
scrawled on it as he makes his way toward a building, passing
a sign that reads "Crystal Lake Research Facility - Opening
June 13, 2008."
THE END
