Hi all. This is just a short one, maybe two or three chapters long.
The story includes some written notes, and I have included those words in italics to set them apart. Any actions or thoughts that take place while the note is being read are in parentheses. I hope it is easy enough to follow. Also, I'm not trying to imply that Sam was completely to blame for their relationship woes, but I do think he has regrets and that comes out a little in his thoughts. I must have been thinking about Christmas and the spirit of giving when this idea came along and as usual, I couldn't resist. I hope you like it too.
As always, I own nothing Rookie Blue and I thank SairsJ for being my extra set of eyes.
Requesting the Honor of Your Presents
Traci walked into her office and sighed as she sat down. Parade was in a few minutes but she just needed a little time to herself, a little time to… It had been a really long weekend; one full of tears and a few surprises.
She ran her hand along the edge of Jerry's desk and swallowed the lump in her throat. It was still empty; they hadn't found anyone to replace him yet… not that anyone really could. Luke had worked with her for about six weeks and had gotten the division pretty much caught up to current cases, but now he was gone and she felt like she was perpetually trying to keep her head above water.
Every so often she found herself wondering what he was doing, what she would have been doing… what Andy was now doing. It had been two months since she, Luke and Nick left without a word and when Traci had said no to Luke, she had no idea that Andy would end up taking her place. She didn't regret her decision; she could never regret choosing Leo over the job. But she did wonder.
The rest of the division had all been informed the next day; Callaghan, McNally and Collins were 'on assignment'. And though she knew it wasn't the same, it was still hard 'losing' her best friend so soon after Jerry. Gail had been great but she just wasn't Andy.
It had been six weeks since they left. Detectives had come and gone through the division helping out Fifteen whenever a case warranted it. Thankfully, for Traci, they had all been easy to work with, but she was really glad that she would soon have someone working with her permanently. She looked forward to setting up a routine, developing a partnership, having someone else who she could depend on.
She looked up when that someone else entered the room and leaned against the door jamb. "You're supposed to look rested after a weekend off, Nash."
She grimaced up at him. "I could say the same for you."
"Yeah, well, it's been a long time since I've been in school so it's taking me awhile to get back in the swing of things."
Traci nodded.
A couple weeks after Andy left, Frank finally started the process of posting Jerry's position to try and find a permanent replacement. And it was Oliver, of all people, who talked Sam into applying. According to him, Sam had been spending way too much time at the Penny and needed something to distract him. He knew Sam could do it; he had the best instincts around. But most of all, he knew Sam needed something to grab onto.
It took Sam two weeks to decide but he had finally gone in to ask Frank if he would consider holding the position open for him if he started taking the courses. Frank knew he wouldn't find a better candidate even though Sam wasn't even technically qualified…yet. So he had immediately tossed the transfer applications aside. And then he put in a call to headquarters to let them know he had filled the position and now had an opening for a TO.
"I know what you mean," she agreed. "I wasn't even that far out of the academy, but it was still tough balancing work, Leo…" She didn't have to finish because they both knew what or who she left unsaid.
Sam cleared his throat and quickly changed the subject. "I don't know how you did it," he admitted. He was already finding it difficult and right now he had nothing to distract him.
They both looked out as more and more bodies started to pass by their office. "Guess we should get in there."
Sam started to turn but Traci jumped up and grabbed his arm before he could get too far. "Swarek?"
"Yuh?"
"When's your birthday?"
He shifted back; he must not have heard her right. "What?"
"Your birthday. When is it?"
He shook his head in disbelief. "Aren't you taking this future partnership a bit too far?"
She dropped her chin and waited.
Sam rolled his eyes. "I stopped celebrating birthdays years ago Nash."
"Doesn't mean you don't have one," she retorted.
"Nope," he agreed, "it just means I don't tell anyone so I don't have to ask them later to skip the token cake and generic 'from the whole gang' card."
He pushed himself away from the wall, expecting her to drop it but she caught him off guard.
"Did Andy know?" She wondered quietly.
Everyone had avoided talking to him about 'her' so the comment really blindsided Sam; he thought the two of them especially had an understanding about what they would and wouldn't talk about. It took him a second to respond. "Why?"
Traci just waited him out; he hadn't answered the question.
He finally blew out a loud breath; she was obviously more patient than he was. "Only if she looked it up."
Traci contemplated that for a moment. "Did Jerry know?"
Sam swallowed hard. He wasn't sure which one of them it was harder to talk about… or think about. "He found out, yes," Sam answered softly.
He wasn't even sure she had heard him until she started speaking. He thought she was going to ask him why Andy didn't know. But she didn't.
All she said was "We should go," and then she walked around him and out the door.
They were about halfway through parade when Sam stole a glance over at Traci who seemed to be in her own little world. Her mind working almost as fast as… Sam shook his head and looked back at the Sarge doing his best to focus on the last of the announcements.
When there was nothing new for him or Traci, he pushed off the table and headed to his desk to work on the case that had come to them yesterday. He wasn't sure how long he'd had his head down when he realized that Traci hadn't come in yet. He spun the chair around to look out over the bullpen and found her talking to Oliver by the coffee machine. The two of them were deep in conversation and Shaw seemed to be arguing with her. He was shaking his head for a good five minutes before he finally hunched his shoulders and nodded in defeat.
It was a couple of weeks later when Sam walked into his office. It wasn't official yet; they were still waiting for the results of his exams. But despite that, he had been detailed to the D's every day since Best had told him the position was his.
He walked up to his desk. "What's this?"
Traci barely raised her head trying to remain indifferent; she shrugged her shoulders. "Looks like a present."
Sam rolled his eyes. "Listen, Nash. If we're going to be partners, you have to understand…"
"It's not from me," she interrupted immediately returning to her work.
Sam sat down and eyed the gift warily. Only a couple of other people in the office knew the significance of the day but he was sure they knew better than to make a show of it. As he lifted his head to scan the immediate area for suspects, he saw Oliver loitering just outside his office trying his best not to look in Sam's direction.
"You!"
Oliver held his hands up in surrender. "Not me either, Brother. I was just hoping to…"
Oliver let the thought trail off as Sam narrowed his eyes skeptically. He obviously knew it was there and had definitely been listening in to the conversation. But he also knew how Sam felt about birthdays, had never given him anything before… well besides maybe a drink at the Penny…
Sam shifted his gaze between the other two as they tried to appear aloof. He could see that they were as curious as he was though. He reached for the package and pulled the envelope from it. For some reason, there was no name on the outside of it so he lifted the flap and tugged the card free.
Sam opened the envelope and almost gasped. He recognized the handwriting immediately.
He closed the envelope and focused his stare on a wide eyed Nash. "She ask you to do this?"
His brief wave of hope was replaced with confusion when the surprise took over her face. Her eyes ping ponged between him and Oliver until she answered, almost too quiet for him to hear. "No… Jerry did."
Sam's mouth dropped open. But… how… when…
He looked inside the card again. It was definitely her writing.
Traci and Oliver were both fidgeting awkwardly as Sam continued to stare at the card. Finally Traci couldn't take it anymore. "What does it…" She tilted her head to the side. "Wait; you said she…"
Oliver's eyes bounced between the two of them. Something wasn't adding up; Traci had told him the gift was from Jerry. But then why did he say she? And there was only one 'she' that would get that kind of reaction out of Sam. But how could Nash not know?
"It's from Andy," Sam sighed confirming Oliver's suspicions.
Traci's head pulled back in surprise. She had spent the last couple of weeks assuming she was going to get a glimpse of Jerry a happy reminder of the guy she fell in love with. But apparently that wasn't going to happen. She wasn't as disappointed as she thought she would be though, and found herself looking forward to it just as much. Because instead, she was going to get a little touch of Andy to fill the hole in her heart. "Aren't you going to open it?" Traci wondered
Sam shook his head and cleared his throat. "Uh, yeah. later, maybe," he stuttered before snatching the package and tossing it into a drawer.
Traci started to protest; she really needed to see something that reminded her of her friend. But Oliver immediately held up his hand; he knew Sam better than anyone... well better than anyone still around and he knew he needed time to accept this first.
He could see she was disappointed but he knew that pressuring Sam wasn't going to get her anywhere. If she wanted any hope of seeing what was inside, she would have to be patient and let Sam handle it on his own terms. If she was lucky, he might share it with her. Oliver knew it was a big 'if', but he also knew Sam well enough to know that he would give in when he saw just how much she needed a piece of Andy too. Oliver offered her a sad smile before turning and heading out for his shift.
The day passed slowly as the two of them worked side by side, both on the same case but completely separate. Neither one wanting to upset the other by saying or doing the wrong thing.
Just after lunch Traci decided the silence was just too much. Well, that, and she was hoping that if she left Sam alone, he just might open the gift there. She was afraid that if he waited and took it home, she might never know what was inside. She might not get that Andy fix that would help tide her over until her friend came back. She informed Sam that she was going back to talk to the family of the victim and for him to call her if he needed her.
He asked her if she wanted him to come along but they could both see that it was a token gesture and she refused. "I'm good. You stay here; do what you need to do."
He didn't miss the glance she made towards the desk drawer.
As soon as she left, Sam jumped up and shut the door. He looked out over the bullpen that was mostly empty. No one was even paying him any attention, but he still found his hands on the cord to the blinds. He made his way around the room shutting them all.
He blew out a long slow breath as he pulled open the drawer and lifted the package. He had warred with himself all morning about opening it. He thought about heading home but he knew Nash would see right through him. He considered taking it to the locker room and looking at it there, but someone could come in and he would have had to watch Nash's sad face as he took it away from her. He could tell she needed something from Andy almost as much as he did but he just couldn't make himself do it in front of her. But he also didn't want to throw that in her face either.
She was good police though and the minute she told him she was leaving he knew she knew. Even before the not so subtle nod at the drawer.
Sam took another deep breath and lifted the envelope. The card was simple and unassuming; Andy knew he wouldn't go for the bright, flashy, poetry laden crap that the greeting card industry thrived on. Instead it was a cityscape with no words on it. Well, no printed words. The blank inside was covered completely in Andy's scrawl.
He ran his hands over the writing. It was so familiar and yet seemed so far removed. He had no idea what to expect. Nash said Jerry had something to do with it, which meant that she had likely written this before everything went south with them. Which meant that whatever was in there just might not apply anymore. But that didn't matter; he had to know.
He leaned back in his chair and picked up the card. He closed his eyes for one second before steeling his resolve and dropping his eyes to the paper.
Happy Birthday, Sam!
If you're reading this, I'll thank Jerry later. I can't believe you wouldn't tell me when your birthday was.(He could just picture the pout.)I get it though, birthdays weren't all that happy for me either, but I'm hoping we can change that…make new, better memories together.
I have to confess I almost looked it up in your personnel file; I came this close. (He smiled as he imagined her lifting up her thumb and forefinger to show him just how close.) But I didn't want to go behind your back; I want you to want me to know these things and I hope someday that you will. But at least I found a way right? (He shook his head. Of course she did. Only you, McNally.)
Anyways, I hope you like the present; you know you're not an easy man to buy things for. And I won't be asking the guys again anytime soon. Dov just says 'get him lingerie'; you're all he wants anyway. (Sam couldn't help but chuckle at the truth in that statement; it was true then and it was still true now. He just wished…) But you already have me Sam and you always will. (He had to stop there as his grip on the card tightened and threatened to bend it out of shape. He set the note down on his desk and leaned back in his chair. With his hands clasped behind his head, he stared at the ceiling as if it would have all of the answers. Why did he walk away? Why couldn't he just tell her he needed space? More importantly, why couldn't he just let her in? He really needed to figure that out. He took a deep breath and straightened back up in his seat.) Still it wasn't the worst idea. Maybe if you're good, that's what you'll get for Christmas ;)
In the meantime, I got you 'us'. It's the best thing that ever happened to me and I hope you feel the same. I know it's just a picture but I really want you to know that it's a thing, at least for me. You and me? We are an 'us' and I don't want that to change.
I'm hoping that you'll put it up with the rest of the pictures at your place. No rush though, just whenever you're ready. (He had to smile again. He knew if she was here rambling on like this, well before the… He huffed out a breath. If she was rambling on, he probably would have been rolling his eyes and tuning her out. But now, now he wanted to know every word. Was scared to miss out on anything.) It's one of my favorite pictures. You know I didn't even know it was being taken. But that's the best kind. That way you can really see how people feel about each other. I hope you can tell that I love you. (Sam was having trouble catching his breath just like he had the first time he heard her say it. He put down the card again but only so he could pick up the package and rip off the paper. He lifted the lid on the box inside and pulled out the photograph. It was an 8x10 in a simple black frame. He looked closely at the two of them; it was taken months ago, not long after her housewarming party, way before the… He reached for his coffee and swallowed a greedy gulp to wash down the lump in his throat. He could see it as plain as day… in both of their faces. Even way back then he loved her, but it just wouldn't come out.) I hope that's not a surprise; I hope that by the time your birthday comes that I've had the courage to say it so this doesn't feel all awkward; though I'm pretty sure you'd find any 'feelings talk' awkward. (He almost laughed out loud; of course it was awkward. They didn't do normal. He studied the picture for a few more minutes as he ran his fingertips gently across the image of her smiling face before he set it down again. He really missed her smile.)
I know; I'm rambling. I also know you're either smirking or rolling your eyes right now. Jeez, even in writing, I'm allergic to silence. Anyway, you're probably getting bored and hopefully coming to find me to thank me 'properly' ;) But knowing you, you'll probably wait a week or two… not to, you know (because you're a pretty thankful guy) but to let me know that you got the present without giving away the day. Unless it just appears on your wall one day, which would be okay too. (He could just picture her shrugging her shoulders. God, he missed her.)
Anyway, I hope you had a great birthday and I hope you know how much you mean to me. Hopefully as we get to know each other better, and I really want to, I'll get better at picking out presents. I even have a few ideas for Christmas already… besides the lingerie I mean.
I just want you to know that you make me happy and I'm thankful for you every day. I can no longer imagine my life without you in it, and I hope I never have to. I'm not sure what I'd do.(Sam huffed out a loud breath. He guessed she knew now… what she would do. He rubbed his hand roughly over his face; he really hated what had happened. And even after he did the one thing she asked him not to do, she still continued to call him willing to give him another chance, wanting to know what she could do to help him. Why… why didn't he take her up on it? Why did he have to wait until it was too late when he knew all along that it was a mistake?)
Love, Andy
Sam's phone buzzed on the desk; he set down the card and picked it up to read the text. It was from Traci – 'finished with the family and on my way back. Timmy's?' Sam smiled at her thoughtfulness not just for the coffee but for the warning. He quickly sent her his order and made to pack up the gift; he didn't know if he was ready to share just yet.
As he picked up the card and gave it one last look, he noticed a small arrow in the bottom right corner. He furrowed his brow before flipping the card over. Sure enough, she had filled the back as well.
PS: My birthday is January 27th if you didn't know already. And if it's not too much to ask, breakfast in bed would be great. Maybe you and Jerry could meet later that day? (Sam's eyes got a little glassy. God, he missed seeing his friend.)
PPS: I've already started our Christmas shopping.(Sam's eyes shot to the top of his head. Wow! Our? A nervous chuckle escaped his lips.) There's something else you now know about me. I know you knew I was a planner but maybe you didn't know how bad it was. It's just when I see something I like, I get it; I save a lot of money that way and it helps to spread out the spending. Plus you know how crazy shifts get around Christmas; you never know when you're going to have time. Anyway, I'm guessing you're a last minute kind of guy when it comes to Christmas so I'm hoping this is a good thing. (He could picture the self-conscious hunch of her shoulders as she'd tried to figure out if he would be okay with this.) It's why we make such a good team. I know we're different but I like to think we complement each other. I hope you do too (And now the hopeful smile.)
PPPS (and yes this is the last one): If you're wondering, which you probably aren't, it's not just Christmas. If you need a birthday present in the next couple of months, ask me before you go shopping. (Sam rolled his eyes, when had she ever known him to…) Fine, before you go to the liquor store and buy them a bottle or call your sister to ask her to buy something and put your name on it. What I'm saying is let me check my stash first; you'd be surprised how much I can fit into a closet. (Sam's mind wandered back to a last minute invite to Leo's birthday party a few months ago. Back then, he was just 'Nash's kid' and when he said he didn't have anything for him, both Andy and Traci said not to worry about it. He had been surprised when Leo thanked him for the gift at the end of the night; now he was pretty sure he knew where it came from. He furrowed his brow. He was also pretty sure he'd seen inside most of her closets and he couldn't help but be curious as to what she may have hidden away for him. She did say she had some ideas for Christmas and it was coming. He frowned, unless she had returned it all after the…) But don't get any ideas and try to peek when I'm not around; there's nothing for you. Don't want you to ruin the surprise. Speaking of surprises, you know, it's too bad I can't keep cake in there – would have come in handy for Dad's birthday. Thank you again for understanding, and for coming with me that night. (Sam shook his head. He still couldn't believe she got him to put on that hat and drive over to Tommy's in the middle of the night. She really was lucky he was half asleep… and that she was, well, her.) After that day, I made sure I was extra prepared. You… well I tend to forget a lot of things when I'm with you… Not that it's a bad thing; at least I hope we never let it… No, it won't. Happy Birthday, Sam. I love you.
Sam set down the card and picked up the picture once again. He was still studying it when he heard a soft knock at the door and the knob started to twist. He looked up to see Traci's face peeking in. "Can I come in?"
"Of course," Sam answered before propping the picture up on the corner of his desk. He smiled softly at the image and then got up from his perch to reach for the nearest set of blinds.
Traci pulled his coffee from the holder and placed it in front of his chair while Sam worked his way around the room. From the corner of his eye, he saw her lean over to get a better look at the new addition to the work surface. He waited for her to turn away before he made a move to go back and sit down.
Neither one of them spoke for a few minutes each one caught up in their own thoughts and trying to figure out how to form the question that was weighing on their mind.
Sam apparently decided direct and to the point was the way to go. "Nash?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you uh, have the keys to McNally's place?"
