All around me I have seen the faces, the laughs and the petty smiles, my tears are always with them. God knows I have made many mistakes in my life, one of them and perhaps the greatest has been to yield to Henry.
Contrary to popular belief by that Boleyn girl; I have never yield myself fully to him, on the contrary I stood beside him and counseled him on everything so he could make this country greater, but nothing more. But what did he do? He stabbed me in the back, the woman he swore he loved the most ... Is it fair that whie he lives in riches, me and Mary are left at the mercy of the devil, why is it that God whom I have trusted all my life has not listen to mine and Mary's plight?
Why? Is it because of my mother, because in reality now that I am dying I realize that she is the real guilty party here, all those things she did in Spain although brave and courageous, hurt a lot of people and maybe God in his mercy spared my mother from punishment, but had decided not to spare me. So now because of my mother's sins me and Mary are sufferin, she will grow without a mother and without a loving father.
I feel the way every woman feels when she knows she will die alone and childless, no one really knew me, not even Mary my daughter whom I feel that she is becoming more and more like Henry every day, even if she is not with me I know her rage will take hold of her as well as her lust for power, just like her father. And in the end because of her suffering, she will become the plague of England, if she becomes like her father.
How I wish God can hear me and stop Mary from letting her rage and hatred for that ... woman ... Anne Boleyn and Henry consume her, she must not be consumend, she must remember that when she is Queen (because she WILL be) she must be a polititian above all and let her hatred aside and put England's safety as a priority, like I did so many times, but now I feel that my daughter who was taken away from me by Wolsey and now Henry and that Anne, is being contaminated with her father's hatred and is becoming like him.
Oh Mary if you can hear me, daughter please remember never to hate and forgive as I have to Henry, your father, please I beg you to become one of cunning but yet merciful mind, do not let yourself get turned into someone like your father who was tricked by Anne and her family, do not let yourself be lost in that puddle of sin ... Be free.
What is the use? I know she can't hear me, but I pretend that she does, I want to believe that she will not become like ... him. But inside I know better, being the daughter of Isabella you are born with a cunning mind, and although my sickness and death is clouding my vision and senses, I know that Mary is suffering and that she is holding too strong like me, but as she is holding so is her goodness.
My darling Mary, why must she be the lamb sacrificed to the slaughter, why must fate be so cruel?
I receive no answer, I await for my death as my eyelids close and as they do, I see all of my life passing in front of my eyes, my birth, my first dance lesson, my first wedding dress, my night with Arthur - a night of Passion that I hid from the King - then Henry his father telling me I will never leave England, then I see Henry his young and vibrant face smiling at me and Mary, her sweet and melodic voice, and finally I see her being crowned Queen of England, her eyes are as young and blue as mine once were and her face so young and full of life, she is merciful, sweet and cunning, a bright queen, and for a moment as I am passing to the other world I clung to this illusion of my daughter ... I know there is and always has been good within her, who better than me to know?
My eyes are now finally closed and I feel as I am being lift up towards the heaven above us, I see the start and constellation, everthing man and woman has yet to explore and at the end of the universe, I see a bright light and millions of golden stars that await the return of my soul.
I walk to the end of that golden door, to the stars and the golden galaxy and once there I see a bright future for me, all of those I loved are there to welcome me, no more tears or fear, I am home.
Finally I am home.
