A Prologue of sorts; Wishful Thinking

Lena's POV

There were many things I loved about Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, but I loved the castle at night, bathed in moonlight, the most. I loved how the light flickered from the candles and bounced against the ancient stone walls. I also loved how that if you looked out the right window you could see the entire night sky. I didn't feel quite so alone when the stars were twinkling down at me. I could forget everything, and simply be.

I could see that beautiful view from the fifth year, Gryfindors girls dormitory. My dorm mates were all asleep by this point, it had to be well past midnight. Ashlynn Thomas snored the night away to my right, while Rose Weasley (one of the two friends I had) slept quietly to my left. Jana and Jacinda Corner were in a deep and soundless slumber, their breathing in sync, as always.

And me, Callena, (Lena for short) Indges, I sat on my bed staring out the window. It wasn't that I didn't want to sleep, in fact I wished I could. Actually I wished for a lot of things, I wished Ashlynn would let Rose try the new spell (that she invented) to stop her awful snoring. Not that I would be able to sleep anyway, but it wouldn't hurt. I also wished for bigger things, a time turner would be nice, but I doubt I could ever bring myself to use one, but it would be nice to be given the chance.

The moonlight hit my pale arms, and the scars that I hid so well during the day, leered up at me. The only time I every exposed my arms was at night, or in the bath. I've wondered many times what my friends would think, if they ever knew. Rose would quickly look away, never asking, but wondering, always wondering. Scorpius Malfoy, my potions partner since first year and my other best friend, would have a slight different reaction. He would demand to know how, and then why, I doubt I could explain, ever. It would hurt them, and I wouldn't hurt my closest friends. Scorp wouldn't have understood, Rose wouldn't have either, but Scorp most of all. He had protected me from so much, he wouldn't be able to cope with knowing that he couldn't protect me from myself.

I couldn't really justify it to myself most of the time, hence more cuts and ultimately more scars. I felt control, control over myself, control over my pain, and control over my life. It was the only time I felt anything really. I had to do it, I needed to know I was still human. I was lucky enough that Hogwarts was almost always chilly. Even in the summer, right as term ended. I could hide my arms easily with my school robes, and on weekends I wore long sleeved muggle shirts. No one questioned, no one asked. They never touched me, so they never saw me flinch away. I was lucky, no one knew.

I sighed heavily as I slid off my red and gold bed. I wasn't brave, I wasn't courageous. I was loyal, through and though, yes, but still I shouldn't have been placed in Gryffindor. I was just a scared and lonely girl, with very little will left to live, I simply didn't have much fight left in me. I was fifteen years old, and I didn't matter. I'd been told all my life that I wasn't worthy, and it was true. A worthy girl wouldn't have to inflict pain upon herself just to feel, a worthy girl would tell her friends, would tell her teachers. A worthy girl would have been proud to be in Gryffindor A worthy girl wouldn't have been so ashamed. I wasn't proud of myself, not in the least, a true Gryffindor wouldn't have done it in the first place, she wouldn't have given herself a chance to feel ashamed.

I wiped the tears from my face, I hadn't even realized I was crying, yet they kept flowing.

I couldn't do anything right, not even stop myself from crying. I should have been a bloody Hufflepuff. Actually I mused to myself, I had been so surprised I hadn't been. The Sorting Hat must be loosing it, how old was it again? It had whispered that I was brave, that I could do it. It was bloody wrong, now wasn't it?

I paced the floor beside my bed, trying to calm my thoughts, it was no use. I sat on the bed, and scooted back to my favourite spot by the window. I stared up at the stars, thinking thoughtless thoughts. I hadn't had a bad life, not really. So what if my father hadn't wanted me, and my mum had left? There had been people far worse off than I could have ever been. Harry Potter for one, everyone he loved had died, and yet he still defeated the darkest wizard of all time. I knew it wasn't fair to compare myself to the great hero, but I almost wanted to hate myself even more. When I thought like that, I knew that there was no way I could ever justify myself, and no way no one would ever understand. I jumped as I heard Ashlynn let out a partially loud snore. "Fuck." I muttered to myself, as I picked absent mindedly at a fresh scab, I pressed my bedsheets against my arm, I felt sorry for a moment over the house-elf who had to clean my sheets, at least I didn't have to tell them, like they would ask if they even noticed. No one ever asked, and I was beginning to think that no one ever would.


A/N: If you've read this before, I'm sorry. It's an updated version! I promise. I went back and read what I'd written months ago, and I was disgusted with myself, so it's being revised. Anyway, I loath it when authors demand reviews and hold chapters over readers heads, until they get "x" amount of numbers. I'll just ask you to review, I'll still update even if you don't. Happy days.