Harry Potter and the Newest Dark Lord

by

Herman Tumbleweed

Disclaimer: I am the king of the world! I own everything! Even my pshrink agrees. No Dark Lords were seriously harmed in the making of this fic, no puppies either. Seriously, J K Rowling owns Harry Potter, along with a bunch of book publishers and movie making companies. No copyright infringement is intended, and no remuneration is being received by the author.

A/N: Some may notice that I have borrowed mmail and the magical internet from Jeconais' hilarious story This Means War, who borrowed it from Anya who invented it in her great story The Naked Quidditch Match. If you've not read either of those and are really up to having a hoot, go read 'em.

--

"Mr Potter?"

"Yes Stephen?"

"A gentleman just flooed for an appointment."

"Oh?"

"He says his name is the Dark Lord Vinny."

"Vinny?"

"Yes, sir, Vinny. He's Italian."

"And?"

"He wants to meet you at Stonehenge, sir, and in his own words, "to kick your ass back to the dark ages."

"Kick my arse?"

"He used the American form, ass, sir. He's a Yank."

"Ass; wants to kick my ass, and he's Italian?"

"Yes, sir; from New York."

"Why?"

"Sir?"

"Sorry, Stephen, I meant to ask why is he here in the UK?"

"Oh, I have done a bit of checking on him, sir, and it seems he was excommunicated by the Catholic Church last year. I understand the Pope signed the order himself.

"The Pope."

"Yes, sir."

"And now he wants to kick my arse…er back to the dark ages?"

"Yes, sir."

"Do you have any idea which of the three I pissed off?"

"Sir?"

"You do realize this is the fifth so-called dark lord this year, don't you? The three sisters or whatever they are called, Fate, Destiny, and, er, what's her name."

"Yes, sir. As you are aware, I always keep a journal of the events in your rather eventful life, sir, so I always know how many such incidents have occurred in any given time span. And that would be Chance, sir. I also believe you are mixing your mythologies, sir. The ones I presume you mistook them for are the Three Sisters of Fate from Greek and Roman mythology. They spun, measured, and cut the thread of life. Of course that is a simplistic explanation…

"Thank you, Hermione, er, I mean Stephen."

"Yes, sir. My apologies, I do get a bit carried away at times."

"As does my friend from school"

"Yes, sir. We've met, as you know, and had some interesting discussions."

"I'm sure you have, Stephen. To get back on track here, who is this purported Dark Lord Vinny, and why in the world does he want to, or even think he can, kick my arse back to the dark ages. Although, given the state of the modern world, there are times when that prospect is not totally disagreeable. Merlin, I've been hanging around you and Hermione way too much, Stephen, now I'm starting to sound like the two of you.

"Yes, sir.

"Stephen, do we know any more about "Vinny"?

"Sorry, sir, that was all I could dredge up on the magical internet so far. I am so glad Miss Hermione invented that, sir. It has wonderfully aided in my education of the Wizarding World. I don't know what I'd have done had she not…

"Stephen!"

"Yes, sir?"

"You're channelling Hermione again. Are you sure she's still alive?"

"Oh, yes, sir. I received an mmail from her just a bit ago and she was fine then."

"Oh, good. Now, anything else we can find out, perhaps from the Ministry? And why did I ever let that witch talk me out of hiring Dobby? He wouldn't be a slave and wouldn't talk quite as much; instead I have an over-zealous butler and valet."

"I shall check, sir. I'm afraid I cannot answer your question, sir. I do apologize if I go on and on at times, sir, but I do find the Wizarding World and its interaction, or lack thereof with the Muggle one rather fascinating."

"Fascinating. Right. Could you perhaps honour my request for further information of our would-be arse kicker?"

"I'd be happy to, sir. I'll call Miss Hermione at the Department of Mysteries just now; shall I?"

"By all means, Stephen. Please try to keep it down to half an hour. By the way, did the "Dark Lord Vinny give any indication of when he expected me to meet him at… Stonehenge?"

"Er, no sir. He only said he wished to make an appointment. He was actually rather pleasant, much like the fellows in that Yank film trilogy, The Godfather. They were nearly always quite pleasant, even when they were about to kill someone."

"Never saw it."

"No, sir, I don't suppose, growing up as you did. We really should get a telly for your apartments, sir, with a dvd player. You could use a little quiet entertainment. The Godfather, sir, has been called the I Ching of manhood, by the way. I believe that line was used in the Movie You've Got Mail when Tom Hanks was communicating with Meg Ryan."

"Stephen?"

"Yes, sir?"

"I think you watch too much telly."

"So I've been told, sir. I'll be off to ring Miss Hermione now."

"That's good, Stephen. Don't let me keep you."

"Of course, sir. I shall return shortly, I'm sure."

"I am too. I wonder if it's too late to hire Dobby."

"Sir?"

"Nothing Stephen, just musing about things to myself."

"Very good, sir."

--

"Mr Potter?"

"Yes, Stephen, did you find out more on this Vinny person?"

"Indeed I did, sir."

"And…"

"He is indeed from New York and is the son of a very powerful crime lord there. He is also the first Wizard in that family for about seventeen generations, sir."

"Seventeen generations?"

"Yes sir."

"That would be about, what, three hundred and fifty years?"

"Give or take, yes, sir."

"Who in the bloody hell keeps track of such things, for Merlin's sake?"

"The Vatican, sir."

"The Vatican? As in where the Pope hangs out?"

"Yes, sir, that Vatican."

"Is there another Vatican, Stephen?"

"Not that I am aware of, sir, though I understand there is a town in Missouri in the Colonies named Vatican."

"I really think, once again, that was more than I really wanted to know. So, why has the first wizard in this family in three hundred and fifty years, give or take, decided to be a dark lord when all he has to do is use his magic to make sure his "family" comes out on top in everything. Hell's half acre, he could rule the crime world, including the idiot so-called drug lords."

"Yes, sir, that is all true."

"Did you consider my question rhetorical, Stephen, or do you just not have an answer?"

"The former, sir. Did you want an answer?"

"Yes, please, Stephen."

"Of course, sir. It seems that Mr Vinny, whose real name is Vincent DiCaprea, is the youngest son of the crime lord, Antonio DiCaprea, of the DiCaprea crime family which operates out of New York, though they do have operations all over the Colonies and in a great many foreign countries. Crime knows no boundaries it would seem, and has become a multi-national concern these days.

Regardless, Mr DiCaprea was educated at a prestigious boys school, as have all of his family until the age of ten, when they usually go on to a very prestigious boys prep school. He, however, was invited and subsequently sent to the Salem Witches and Wizards Institute where he excelled in all his classes, graduating with honours. He was especially good in Transfiguration and Defence, or so I gathered from his grades."

"Hold on, two questions, Stephen.

"Yes, Sir?"

"You said Salem Witches and Wizards Institute, which I always thought was called by only the "Witches" part of that. And, what do you mean defence. Is it like our Defence Against the Dark Arts classes or what?"

"The first answer is Title Nine, sir."

"Title Nine."

"Yes, sir."

"Is that supposed to mean something to me?"

"I once again apologize, sir, in that I forgot you have not the interest in politics that I have…

"Nor an interest in driving people bugshit…"

"I'm sorry, did you say something, sir?"