"Long is the way and hard, that out of hell leads up to light."
– John Milton, Paradise Lost
It had been an idyllic romance if one counted near death experiences and a houseful of vampires along with a reservation full of shape shifters and any number of threats coming from all directions romantic. A lot had happened between Edward and me and we had gotten very close, or so I had thought. All the things that had happened had helped to forge what I considered to be an unbreakable bond; something I thought that would last forever. Now I know that forever is only for those fool-hearty enough to believe in it. Forever doesn't come to people like me; mere fragile humans that is.
The romance was done, the engagement was broken and there was still half a year of school to go. How was I supposed to face that … alone? It had been several days since I had seen or heard from Edward. All he had done was leave a note saying that he had to leave and that it would be best for us to go our own ways. He had asked Charlie to have me call him, but I couldn't. Call it cold feet or just pain and anger; I really don't know what it is that I feel now. Every night I cry myself to sleep, if one can call it that. More like my nightly trip to hell.
John Milton wrote, "Long is the way and hard, that out of hell leads up to light." From his epic work Paradise Lost. I suppose my way out of my own private and very personal hell will definitely be long and hard. It seems that I will never be completely free from that unbreakable bond no matter how much I may wish it now. No matter how difficult things may get, no other will ever hold my heart like Edward Cullen; though that is truly irrelevant at this point, now isn't it? Charlie keeps telling me I should call up Mike Newton or hit on him at the sporting goods store. What my well intended father doesn't understand is that no boy like Mike, Eric or Tyler could ever make me feel the way Edward did. Alas, he means well and I have to appreciate his concerted efforts.
Charlie fears that I will slip back into that deep dark state of depression that I did the first time Edward left. I am depressed and I do feel lost but not like I did last time. I am stronger now. I have to be for a lot of reasons; the most important one is that it will be easier to live without a heart. But I have ask myself am I really as strong as I think I am? Honestly? I don't know. I guess we shall find out soon enough.
The attempt to ascend out of hell and towards the light.
I was late for class and I knew that if I didn't hustle I would get a pink slip and possibly detention. What was the rule, five tardies in a semester and you got detention? I couldn't think about that right now. I had to get to class. I made it just as the last bell rang. Mrs. Trask was closing the classroom door as I slid into the room like a Babe Ruth sliding into home plate. It was a close one, but I was safe, this time. Not even paying the plump Mrs. Trask any mind as my attention was soon wrapped up in those ochre colored eyes, I moved like a specter to my seat in the back of the class. So he had returned; the perfect Mr. Cullen, the infallible Mr. Cullen, the chicken Mr. Cullen.
Taking my seat I didn't dare look at him, but it was impossible not to look at him. I had missed that statuesque build of his in the last several days. I had simply missed everything about him, but as my stomach started acting like a troupe of performers from Cirque du Soleil I laid my head down on my desk. I knew I was going to get sick right there. I couldn't bear to have my entire class witness that, let alone him. Yet I thought I could keep it down if I just laid there not moving or thinking. Then Mrs. Trask announced what play would be studied over the next couple weeks and that was when I knew that there was no way I could hold back my half eaten breakfast of chocolate milk and pop-tarts. As pleased as anyone could be she announced that the class would be reading Romeo and Juliet by Shakespeare and that Edward and I would be reading the parts of the Romeo and Juliet.
I couldn't cope with it. Everything just felt like it was falling down on me in that one instant and I had to get some air. Quickly I rushed to the front of the class as if I was on fire and I begged Mrs. Trask to let me leave. Reluctantly she gave me permission to go to the school nurse's office. Without waiting for a hall pass I rushed out of the room and down the hall, but instead of going to the school's nurse, I headed out passed the recreation field and on up to the meadow. It was the one place I knew I would be alone. There was only one other person that knew of the meadow and I knew he wouldn't come up there. Why should he?
So many times after Edward had first left I had tried to find this place and couldn't, but after Laurent had almost attacked me there, I seemed to find it with no problem now. Just as I reached the clearing it started raining a bit harder. 'Just great' I thought to myself what more could happen. Then the tears started falling from my own chocolate colored eyes and then I realized that I wanted to know why he had left, or what I had done. I needed answers that I knew would never be forthcoming. I slumped to the cold wet earth and reclined back against a fallen tree and just huddled into a ball letting the pain wash through me. The lack of understanding and the questions all filled my head making my eyes want to burst forth. I knew that there was no relief to the kind of pain that I was feeling so I just sat there letting the rain hide my own tears as the sky cried, so did I.
