A/N: So in my entire career of fanfiction-ing I've always promised myself to never have two multi-chapter fics up and running at the same time. But after that MSF I just couldn't help myself but come up with this brilliant plot idea where Beth actually survives. So here's the beginning of my next multi-fic contribution to the Bethyl fanfiction universe.
"When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Just let my love throw a spark
And have a little faith in me"
- Have a Little Faith In Me by John Hiatt -
He sits by her bedside and he never leaves it; doesn't matter how many people tell him too and doesn't matter how many times they ask him too either. He sits there because that's where he wants to be and that's where he needs to be right now. It may be silly and it may be stupid and he knows he really doesn't have too. But there's something about her now; something about her since that day in that cabin, the one they burned down together. There's something about her that keeps him here.
He knows she won't let him owe her anything so instead he decides that he'll follow her to the end. He'll sit here until he dies and he'll never leave her alone. The others might think that he's gone crazy and that he's finally gone off the deep end too. They might start to wonder why he's doing this and of all people, why her. But he doesn't have an answer and maybe he never will.
The thing is that he feels a pull and a tug and something much greater and right when he is beside her. Maybe it's because it was ultimately him that led to her daddy dying and maybe this is his way of making amends; of setting the record straight and doing the right thing by her. It couldn't just be that though or at least he doesn't think so. She wouldn't want him too. He thinks instead to try and make sense of what he sees in her and in her eyes when he listened to her sing and play that piano. Everything between them felt so different. He couldn't say why he liked holding her hand or why he felt that talking to her and listening to her was so easy and simple to do.
But he knew that he felt his heart crack into two when Dawn's gun went off and when the bullet shot out of the top of her head. He knew the feeling of dread and shock and grief and disbelief all rolled into one and blanket over him the instant he saw her fall to the ground. He doesn't even remember shooting Dawn or when exactly he grabbed the gun from his belt and aimed and pulled the trigger. But from now on if anybody were to ever ask him who he has killed and why, he would think of that moment. He would remember exactly who and he will know exactly why.
And so maybe she'll die tomorrow or maybe she'll die five minutes from now, he doesn't know, but he's going to be here anyway.
He sits there with his back to the window and facing the door of this room that had apparently been hers. There isn't much decoration around and most of it is plain and hospital like. But there's a little poster drawing with the words 'Get Well Soon' on the wall and its colourful and it's pretty and it's very like her. He presses the points of his elbows into his knees and he leans forward and hangs his head low and presses his fisted hands into either side of his temples.
He is tired. He is exhausted and he could sleep for days. But after everything he cannot sleep right now. He hasn't slept for a while but he doesn't think about that for now. He stares at the ground instead and as he listens to her breathe he thinks back and sees everything.
He sees himself walking out of Grady with her lifeless form in his arms. He sees himself crying and feeling everything he has never felt before taking over him. He sees Maggie falling to her knees; sees Glenn rushing to Maggie's side. He sees everyone staring and looking and sees the defeat in all of their eyes.
It was in that very moment that he had felt the full impact of her loss; the devastation and the part of his soul that she took with her. It was there that he began to realise just what she meant to him; that even in the little time he knew her she somehow grew to become such an integral part of his very being. That every inch of him hurt and not in the physical sense of pain but in the sort of way that he would forever feel. The kind of pain that would never go away and the kind of pain that will always remind him of his ultimate failure.
But somehow against all odds and everything he didn't believe in, her hand twitched. His first thought was that his mind was playing tricks on him; that it was him moving that made her hand move. But then she moved again very slightly and he felt that. He felt the warmth in her cheek that was pressing into the side of his neck. He felt her lips moving ever so slightly as if she were trying to mumble or swallow or whatever, he didn't know. He just knew that she was alive; that she was okay. That she didn't die, not yet.
The seconds and minutes and hours after that were a blur and he remembers a few parts of it. He remembers turning and running back into Grady; remembers briefly catching sight of Maggie looking at him through tears in question and in wonder. He remembered not caring if they followed behind him. He didn't care about why Maggie and Glenn and the rest of them were even there in the first place. He didn't care to wonder about Michonne or little ass kicker and Carl and that priest. Maybe that made him selfish and maybe that was wrong of him. But Beth's life hung on a thin thread and he knew it and could feel it with every step he took and right then, Beth was all he cared about.
He kicked the doors and they swung and those that were still there mopping up Dawn's lifeless remain saw him and saw her. He doesn't remember if he begged or if he asked. But before he knew it everyone was moving and clearing a way for him. Maybe they saw the look in his eyes and just knew that Beth was still here with them; that they all had to put aside their differences and just work together to do this.
The doctor worked fast and quickly and very efficiently and between it there was chaos and shouting and instructing and the direction of medicines and milligrams and injections. Rick was there a moment later and Maggie and Glenn and everybody else. There were people he knew and people he didn't but it didn't matter. None of it mattered except her, the doctor, the machines and the medicines.
He remembered thinking that these people had electricity. That Beth's chances were slowly spiking with every little discovery he made; from the medicines to the electricity and this doctor's wealth of medical knowledge. He never left her side and he did everything the doctor asked him to do. They worked together and he held her hand when the doctor drained the blood and he held her head when the doctor stitched it up. It wasn't entirely much and it most certainly didn't mean that she was definitely going to survive either. But it was enough for him to know that they tried.
The chance is all he clings too and that sitting here now with his head in his hands and her sleeping away all that shit still gives him purpose and reason for everything he has done.
He hasn't asked for much in life; didn't think praying was worth it or wishing for that matter. He was the kind of man that was so used to doing things and going by each day that everything else just sort of happened for him in between. But since sitting here for the entire day and night and until now he has prayed fifteen times. He has wished ten times and he still continues to hope.
He stares away the minutes and hours and sometimes he closes his eyes and let's himself drift for a few minutes. But right now he stares at the ground and he wishes again. The floor looks dirty and brown and he can't help but think that it could use a good mopping; maybe he'll do that later. He hears Maggie murmuring something soft and quiet to Glenn and he tries not to intrude. He gives them the privacy they need and he focuses instead on his shoes and her shoes that are sitting empty and neatly just under her bed.
He hears the shifting of clothes and chairs and Maggie and Glenn standing up. He doesn't move and continues to stare hard into the ground until he feels a soft warm hand on his shoulder.
"Get some rest, man," Glenn says softly to him.
"Yeah," he murmurs and hears the coarseness in his voice.
"Thank you," Maggie says softly to him a moment later and out of respect he lifts his head from his hands and he looks to the side and to Maggie.
Her eyes are still red and bloodshot and she looks like shit but he says nothing about that. He imagines he looks equally as shitty as well.
"I ain' done nothin' for y'to thank me for," he mutters.
"You didn't give up on her," Maggie says simply.
He watches them stumble away; watches as Glenn practically has to hold Maggie up as they walk together out the door. He watches until they disappear around the corner and into the dark hall and he finally lets his eyes fall back onto her.
He hears the doctor's words echoing in his head. The doctor had stood there in front of all of them and had told them very seriously that Beth surviving was a miracle. That people very rarely survived wounds like those. The doctor told them that she might not remember any of them; that her memories might altogether be altered forever. That she might only remember some of them but not the others; that she might not walk again or talk. That she might not know words from shapes of here and there. That she might be a completely different person to the person they all knew.
That there was still a chance that her brain could swell and that she could die from complications.
He accepted that though and really to him it didn't matter what happened, he was going to stay right here until the very end. He will be here if she wakes and stares at him and didn't know who he was. He will be here if she wakes and could never speak again or understand anything at all. He will be here if she wakes and could never walk. He will be here even if the worst happens and he will see through it because this is what he has to do. He will be her guard and he will be everything her daddy would've wanted him to be for her.
He doesn't know why or what or how but doing this and promising these things to her is like finally realising what his entire purpose in life has been for. It's like finally finding his home and never wanting to ever leave.
It's because of her that he learned how to put things away; how to put to rest those memories and to remember instead the new and better ones. It's because of her that he sees everything differently now. It's because of her that he prays, that he hopes and he wishes. It's because of her that he does these things; that he even has the patience to sit here and finally decide to talk to her because he remembered reading somewhere once that talking to patients helped them to recover faster.
"I put them away, Beth," he murmurs softly to her and looks to her face that's half bandaged.
He sees chunks of caked blood still in her hair and on the bandages. She looks so small and so frail and he never wants to see her like this again.
"Just like y'said," he says finally as he reaches for her hand.
She feels warm and right and real and right there with him and he isn't going to let go. His fingers are dirty and he could do with a good wash. But he isn't leaving her side right now; not for a second for anything. He leans back in his chair instead and he keeps watch over her and he keeps focus on the colour slowly returning to her cheeks. He focuses on the swelling that is slowly residing around her face. He hears the sounds of her steady heart beat filling the room and it sounds like music to his ears.
"I miss y'singin'," he continues to tell her, "'s better than a jukebox. But y'heart beat right now, tha's the best song I've ever heard y'make yet."
Nobody's there to listen to him and he is grateful for that. He isn't quite sure what he is doing and why he is even saying the things he has said. He wouldn't be able to explain himself right now but if someone walked in and if someone asked, the difference from the man he was to the man he is now is that he would try to answer.
But with night falling and the sounds of snores and soft conversations drifting through the door and to where he sits, he looks to her and he forgets about everything. He forgets about the walkers and the rest of the world. He looks to her and he feels all these things inside of him. His heart feels fuller than it ever has been and he feels hope now in a way he has never felt it overcome him before.
