Chapter Title: Chapter 1

Author's Notes:

Story:
Harry walked into the Great Hall one morning for breakfast, sitting down at his usual seat between Hermione and Ron. "Hey Ron, hey Hermione," he said happily.

Hermione giggled, covered her mouth and then threw a cup at him, spilling hot tea all down his front. Both Ron and Harry stared at her- well, until Harry yelled in pain as the steaming tea seeped through his clothing and started to scald his skin in various places.

Draco looked up from his cup of pumpkin juice, sniffing the air. "I smell... pain." He practically dissolved on the spot to reappear next to Harry, who was frantically trying to get his clothes off while Ron was stuffing muffins in his pants and Hermione was still laughing hysterically.

After staring at the scene before him for several moments, well, more accurately, staring at his greatest rival shedding clothes as fast as he possibly could Malfoy leapt on Harry and began making out with the emerald-eyed boy as hotly as possible.

Albus Dumbledore, intelligent and serene as ever, threw a potato at them. "That's terribly cliché, Draco. Do something the readers haven't seen before, please." And, like a Roman leader watching a mildly amusing scene of two Gladiators beating the crap out of each other in a Coliseum, he relaxed in his gigantic Headmaster chair thing and clapped twice.

The effect was immediate. Draco jumped off of Harry, who was perfectly stunned about having just made out with his arch nemesis while he was half-naked, and the blonde began a strip-tease for Ron.

Strangely enough, Ron pulled out an American 20 bill and stuffed it into the boxers of Draco Malfoy. "Yeah! Work it!"

Albus shrugged, "At least it's not Harry and Draco... I mean, honestly, there are so many fanfics about them you'd think the bloody pairing was canon."

A very, very, very large group of fangirls suddenly appeared in the Great Hall, squishing many Hogwarts students. "IT SHOULD BE!" they all cried in unison, and then disappeared, leaving many children in much pain.

Dumbledore raised both eyebrows, and shrugged once more. He watched as Draco continued to strip for Ron who was becoming steadily more flushed with excitement, until Harry got jealous, dive-tackled the blonde and they began making out again. Dumbledore chuckled and then turned as Snape seemed to appear behind him, his black cloak billowing even though he wasn't moving. "Hello Severus. The only reason I wasn't scared out of my skin from you appearing behind me like some sort of terrifying vampire was because I am Dumbledore and I have awesome ESP and such."

Severus, who'd looked quite drawn and worried, raised one eyebrow. "ESP like Elven Super Powers?"

"No, Severus, you're thinking of Legolas in Lord of the Rings."

"Oh... right," Snape muttered, and then looked twice as worried and fidgety as before. "Um... Headmaster... what if I told you that Harry and I were having a secret love affair?"

Dumbledore studied him carefully with his twinkly eyes. "I'd say that was rather cliché, much like the storyline of Draco getting Harry pregnant and having a row with Lucius to the point of the father and son killing each other," the old man answered in one quick breath.

Snape wrung his hands. "But what if I told you these secret love affairs often occured on your desk while you were out?"

The old man hid a smirk. "Then I'd tell you that I was not, in fact, 'out', and that a favorite past time of mine is reading large books whilst hiding under an invisibility cloak."

It was then that Severus Snape made a face much akin to this: O.O

Meanwhile, Dobby and Winky were standing in the doorway, sipping tea and watching this insanity.

"Really, now, you'd have thought the humans would realize how perfectly stupid they are," Dobby said, in the most prudish voice the little elf could muster.

"Indeed, old chap, indeed. It must be something in the Pumpkin Juice," Winky said primly, taking a quiet sip of tea.

"I make that Pumpkin Juice," Dobby said, sounding supremely unconcerned.

"Well, that would explain it, wouldn't it, darling?" Winky answered, turning and heading back to the kitchen.

Dobby frowned slightly, watching as Filch and McGonagall made out heatedly on the Ravenclaw table. "Well, it's a good entertainment source," he muttered, shrugging, and walked over to join them.

CHAPTER 2

"I... I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry. It just... it isn't working out," Hermione said softly. Harry and Ron stared at her from across the common room.

"No, no, please don't cry, you're making it harder than it already is!" Hermione said as her eyes filled with tears.

Harry leaned close to Ron, and said into his ear, "Has Hermione gone mad?" Ron nodded, gaping slightly as Hermione became increasingly emotional.

"You're just getting too dull for me, you know? You've really let yourself go, too- you see those bald patches? Now, now, don't say such a thing, really, I'm not shallow. I've just found someone else, is all..." she said softly to her old quill.

"Really, I'm flattered, but it can't be like this! NO!" she cried, and flung the quill into the fire. Harry, who was sitting next to that very fire, could have sworn he heard it scream it agony as it curled and writhed in the flames.

"Hermione, honestly, does it have to be like that every time you get a new quill? You're scaring the first years," Ron said, nodding two three of the newer students who were cowering in the corner.

Hermione gave Harry and Ron the evil eye, which had a surprising resemblence to Moody's, and then stormed out of the common room.

Harry stood up and yawned, "Well, I'm going to go to remedial potions now," he said in the most casual tone possible, heading for the door.

"Alright, see you in the morning-- wait, what? Remedial--? It's ten at night, Harry!" Ron protested, standing as well.

"Well... um... y'see..." Harry mumbled, fishing for some lie or excuse.

Ron gaped then, "You're having a secret love affair with Snape on Dumbledore's desk, aren't you!"

Harry started. How'd he figure it out? "Well- um- but- well-- Well, you put twenty dollars in Draco Malfoy's underpants!" he yelled, dashing out as quickly as he could.

The first years in the corner stared at Ron, and one of them whispered, "Ew."

CHAPTER 3

Harry made his way to Dumbledore's office,humming to himself to break the slightly eerie silence around him. All the corridors were dark, only illuminated by the soft glow of moonlight. Suddenly, he heard a noise to his right, around one of the tapestries.

"Severus?" Harry asked quietly. The only answer was a very soft shuffling, and maybe a little giggle. But could he be sure?

"Is anyone there? Come out, or I'll hex you!" he said, voice still low as to not attract anymore unwanted attention, but threatening nonetheless.

Suddenly, from behind the tapestry, a completely nude Minerva McGonagall jumped out, cackling like an insane woman. "LOW FAT CRUNCHY MENSTRUAL PAINS!" she screamed, and bolted down the corridor, shrieking laughter echoing all the way.

"Oh dear sweet god, kill me now," Harry said very quietly, and felt his eyes burning from the sight of his very saggy, very wrinkly and very bouncy professor.

Turning and walking quickly in the opposite direction, he didn't notice the other male melt out of the shadows and follow him silently.

"How 'bout THEM apples!" Lupin yelled, slamming his fist on the table.

"They're Lemon Drops, honestly," Albus answered, watching as his friend pulled the entire pile of delicious lemon drops toward him. They were playing poker, and instead of using money or even chips, they were using an old favorite of Dumbledore's.

Jesus sighed, "Really, for a King of Jews, I suck at poker."

Buddha pushed his cards toward Dumbledore, "Good game, men. I'm ready to turn in, though, what say you?"

Lupin visibly deflated. "But I thought we could swap manly tales of vigor, ghey man smexxx and gore-filled violence!"

Buddha smiled, "Why, of course. Once, I was playing strip poker with Jesus, God, and Aphrodite, and Aphrodite was all like, 'Can I rub your belly for good luck?' and I was all, 'Well, that would be cheating, right?' and she was all, 'Not if I--'"

Dumbledore cleared his throat, "Seeing as how this is Aphrodite we're talking about, and she wants to rub things, I think I know where this story is going, and--"

But he, too, was cut off, for Draco had just thrown himself through the door and began a strip-tease for the men on the table.

He made 400 American dollars that night, all stuffed into his boxers.

CHAPTER 4

Harry felt a pair of strong arms wrap around him from behind. "Harry?"

The boy nearly jumped out of his shoes, but quickly turned, and let out a heavy sigh of relief at the sight of Snape. They kissed briefly on the lips in greeting, and then Harry asked,"Hey...Did you seen McGonagall?"

The older man shook his head, "Despite the fact that I was standing about 10 feet away from you the entire time and saw her, I'm going to say that I didn't because the author of this story is writing at 6 in the morning and doesn't feel like making me say I did."

Harry stared. "Um... yeah... so... I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. Anyway, ready to go to Dumbledore's?" he asked, a mischevious grin forming on his face.

Snape shook his head fervently, "We can't meet there anymore... due to... um... there's a thing."

Harry sighed heavily, clearly disappointed. "What do you mean?"

"Well-- um, Dumbledore... the thing is, you see... Oh yeah! Well, you made out with Draco Malfoy!" Snape yelled at the top of his lungs and ran away.

CHAPTER 5

The next morning in the Great Hall, things were more insane than ever before. Sirius, despite being dead, was playing Crazy 8's with Dumbledore, who had a scantily clad woman sitting on his lap. Minerva was running about the Great Hall, screeching and laughing, and to the dismay of the entire school (except maybe the older gentlemen), once again she was completely naked. Harry and Draco were making out on the Hufflepuff table, Ron and Hermione were throwing bits of steak at each other, and Seamus was repeatedly and for no reason screaming, "MAN THE FORT! MAN THE FORT!"

Severus Snape, Argus Filch and Miss Norris were all absent that day, as they had been locked in a broom closet by Mad-Eye Moody. Jesus was walking around the school grounds, holding up a large sign that resembled the 10 of Kings, even though I don't recall there ever being such a card.

CHAPTER 6

Hagrid, in an attempt at sobriety, had drunk an entire barrel of Pumpkin Juice instead of his usual mead, and was now slow dancing with Trelawney.

"Whisper sweet nothings into me ear," Hagrid said huskily.

"Your mustache is like a Tsunami... your tea smells of battery-acid... I'm pregnant with your child..." Trelawney said quietly.

"You sure know how to make a man feel good."

Back in the Great Hall, Dumbledore had returned to his seat. Sirius had reminded him of an extremely important message he needed to tell everyone. "I have an extremely important message! Children!" he called, looking for attention. No one paid him any, of course.

"Excuse me!" he called, clapping his hands twice. The staff members that hadn't gone mad clapped as well. "Students!"

Suddenly the entire Hall burst into applause, the insane kids all clapping and cheering as loud as they possibly could. Minerva continued to run about, laughing hysterically, but, well, she was too far gone, so no one cared.

Dumbledore looked at Flitwick. "Well, it's a change, I suppose," he muttered. "Oh, by the way, where were you last night? Buddha and Jesus came over and we had tea and cards." Dumbledore had completely forgotten the extremely important message at this point.

"Oh, I'm so sorry I missed it. It was my mother's birthday, you see--"

Just then, the doors to the Great Hall flew open, stunning everyone (yes, even Minvera) into silence. Dumbledore looked up, and smiled, "Ah, yes, right on time. My announcement, everyone, is that Voldemort is now employed at our school and now tends to the new gardens outside."

And, sure enough, Voldemort stood there with a pitchfork in his hand, covered in dragon poo. He also had a very large button on the front of his dirty robes, black with neon green lettering: 'S.P.E.W. r0x3rZ'.

Hermione jumped up, "He's my new spokesman, and he funds my club, Super Poop Eats the Wiggles!"

Everyone was a tad too stunned to correct her.

"Professor, how could this possibly be right? He killed my parents! He tried to bloody kill me for god's sake!" Harry protested loudly.

Everyone shouted in agreement, including Voldemort and Dumbledore. When the noise died down once more, Dumbledore nodded once. "I can see how you're concerned, Harry... Hmmm... Well, I'm sure you can compromise. By the way, just as a little added note, it would be terribly cliché for you to fall madly and hopelessly in love with Malfoy, so I'm going to have to ask you to stop playing with the boy's hair and find someone less likely. Thank you, you may all go to class now."

Harry, who was still sitting on top of the table, looked at Draco sadly, and Draco looked back, frowning. He then whispered, "Well, the old geizer doesn't have to know, eh? What's the password to you're Common Room?"

Harry leaned over and whispered, "Gheymansmexles."

Draco raised an eyebrow. "Must be some sort of new plant in America, or something..." he muttered, and Harry shrugged.

Snape danced alone that night, but it was in a fashion that would put all the Chippindale's boys to shame. Score.

CHAPTER 7

Hermione rocked back and forth, listening to Josh Groban on her iRiver.

So did Dolores Umbridge.

Two weeks later, they had a child that they named Josh.

But Jesus didn't like it so he stole the child forever and raised him to be the King of the Christians, because he didn't want to be. He was the 10 of Kings, darn it!

Then God stole the child, because he wanted his son to still be King of the Jews/Christians/Whatever.

Then Buddha stole it.

Then Umbridge stole it.

Then Voldemort stole it. He named it Harry Potter, gave it to James and Lilly Potter, and tried to kill it. Thus, Dolores Umbridge and Hermione Granger's lesbian love child was the downfall of the Dark Lord.

CHAPTER 8

Harry watched the gardens very carefully, waiting for any sign of Voldemort. It was July 4th, and even though people in England don't celebrate that day, it had given him an excellent idea.

Three weeks had passed, and Hogwarts had only gotten more insane. Dumbledore was frequently seen walking about the castle in a pink, sparkling thong, Severus Snape opened a strip club where he was the main attraction, and Ron Weasley married his twin brothers and had seven children soon after. Of course, they were all promptly eaten by Hagrid.

And yes, Voldemort was still Hogwarts' gardener and an avid S.P.E.W. supporter. And, for all the pain he caused Harry- well, "the boy who lived" was getting some revenge.

The moon was hidden behind some clouds, and, as blackness fell over the grounds, Harry made his move. With his wand he lit every firework he'd planted all throughout Voldemort's carefully tended gardens and then ran away, giggling and drooling, toward the forest.

He thought he was home free as he ran further and giggled even harder when a loud WHEEEEEE sounded from one of the fireworks and the light illuminated the grounds. However, about 70 yards from the forest, his giggling was cut off abruptly as he was dive tackled to the ground and got the living crap beat out of him by an extremely irate Voldemort.

CHAPTER 9

McGonagall had, in the past week, improved and worsened all at once. Instead of running around like an idiot in the nude, she was now fully clothed and seemed to be back to normal most of the time- but she had some strange quirks. Such as, just before a class would come in, she would dismantle every single desk in the room and dance wildly when her students would try to sit down and fall to the floor. She would also profess her love to Professor Trelawney every day at 9 in the morning, and whenever someone said "Thank you" to her, she would make a cup of tea and pour it on herself, all the while singing Canada's national anthem to the tune of "Yankee Doodle".

So, one sunny Wednesday morning, as Minerva was getting ready for her first class of the day, Dumbledore entered her room and stared at her for a while.

Then he left.

"So," said Hermione, chewing on a piece of glass she found outside. "We have a two page report due tomorrow, Ron."

"Yes, that we do," answered Ron, who was avidly reading a magazine called 'Teen Witch Weekly'.

"Have you done any of it?" she asked, shuffling some random papers around on her desk to make it sound like she was doing something.

"No," he answered. "But I have an idea. I'll do a bit, and then we'll combine our two essays and copy them and we'll only do one fourth of the work each!"

She stared at him and then shouted, "THAT'S AN EXCELLENT IDEA!" and shoved her... fourth of the essay toward him to be read. It was as follows:

How Seven Is A Number

So one day, there was this thing and there was a universe. The universe is ONE. Then there was an earth, and an earth plus a universe equals two. Then there was a dinosaur, and that equals four because in order for there to be a dinosaur there had to be a grass. Then, another dinosaur. Six. Then a human appeared and that WOULD HAVE equaled seven except the dinosaur died simultaneously. But don't be sad. The biverse (as in, the second universe) was created, making seven. The End.

Ron stared for a long time. Then he died from it's brilliance.