I do not own MIOBI nor its characters
A/N I was listening to Christina Perri and couldn't resist this little drabble, you should really check out her music btw, so inspirational!
DISTANCE
I will keep my distance and will only say 'I love you' when I'm sure you're not listening
The first time she kissed him it hadn't been about her feelings for him, she hadn't even realized she felt something for him at all. But that night changed their relationship forever. Silent tears fall down her cheeks when she remembers the distance he's been keeping after that. He never comes close to her anymore, he never trains her in private anymore, but the worst, he isn't even really talking to her anymore. And she has only herself to blame for it. She never thought it possible, but she wishes she never kissed him in the first place.
'Payson, are you up honey?' She hears her mother call from the bottom of the stairs. She swallows away the last of the remaining tears and gets up from the middle of her bed, the very spot she searched comfort into two hours ago when she woke up from her ever returning nightmare.
'Yes, mom, I'll be there in a minute.' She answers, hoping her mother won't hear her despair. She wonders when her mother will ask why she hasn't been to the gym early in weeks, to ask if something happened.
Putting on her leotard and sweats she makes her way downstairs. Eating her breakfast in silence she tries to push her emotions to the back of her mind, something she has been doing ever since he stepped back. The nightmares don't make it easier. In those he always pushes her away, looking at her like she's crazy, someone he could never love.
'Are you okay sweetie?' Her mother asks, every morning the same question, and every morning the same answer.
'I'm fine mom, just focused I guess.' She chews her bottom lip and avoids her mother's gaze. She hates lying to her mom, but she can't bear the pity she's sure her mother will have if she would tell her the truth.
'If you say so, are you ready to go?' Payson nods, standing up to follow. The trip to the gym is a silent one now Becca isn't there to break the uncomfortable silence with cheery chitchat about the latest movie or fashion. She can feel her mother's eyes on her every once in a while but chooses to ignore it, as she always does.
The smell of chalk and sweat doesn't lift her spirits as it used to. Gymnastics has become something she doesn't love anymore. She has lost the connection to the peace and calm it gave her that night. Before, she could always rely on gymnastics to ground her, but now it only makes her want to scream, to run away.
The days move slowly, and every passing day becomes more difficult to fulfil. She watches him move around the gym, guiding and coaching all of his gymnasts, all but her. She never sees him look at her anymore, watch her progress or making a note to improve a flaw in her routines. All she ever gets is a 'Great job Payson' from the other side of the room. The third week he did that she decided to do everything she could to push all her emotions into her gymnastics, to just forget everything and everyone around her. It took so long to feel a bit alright again, to feel comfortable in her sport again. But eventually she found a routine to survive the torturous days.
She doesn't see how difficult it is for him to stay away. To not take her in his arms and tell her everything will be okay. He watches a ghost of a girl he wants the most, a shell of a girl he used to know well. To whom he could talk and rely on. The floor routine they designed together is becoming more heartbreaking every time he watches her perform it. It's the end of the day and everybody is changing before going home. She's dancing slowly in the empty space. He wonders how she can be so beautiful, so graceful, but at the same time a lonely spirit, letting go of everything, pouring out every feeling she feels inside. He can see right through the walls she build up after that night, that night that haunts his dreams, can he walk through those walls without breaking the treasure behind it?
After the kiss he had talked to her, telling her it was normal to feel so emotional after a intense routine. He promised her nothing would change, but he knew when he said those words he lied. Everything had changed and he has no idea how to change it back. He is too afraid to go inside her walls, to face what he has caused. Fearing the pain of yet another stab in his heart. But he knows the loneliness he sees in her eyes is visible in his eyes as well. Those eyes haunt him till he falls asleep late at night. He sighs, they are the two broken pieces of a barely there story. He knows there is love, but for now there's only the loneliness, for he is not the one for her.
Silently he walks away, she doesn't need him to watch her. She will be great with or without him and for now he can't stand too close for fear he will ruin her perfection. He slowly makes his way up to his office, his safe bubble, the only place he can let his emotions rain free. He lowers himself on his chair, his head leaning in his hands. How is he going to get her through this without breaking the last straw that's holding her together? He hears the last of the gymnasts walk through the doors. Now there's only him and Payson. It has been weeks since she stayed late and he wonders if she even realizes what time it is. Without him wanting it he is drawn to the window to watch her over and over again. It is then that he sees her falling onto the ground, pulling her legs to her chest.
'Payson, are you alright?' She hears him ask. She prays he won't come closer, hovering over her like he used to do, but she knows he will anyway. Her breath is coming heavier, she finds it difficult to breath. She's afraid of what he will see on her face so she turns away from him, for otherwise in her eyes he could see everything he means to her, all her broken heartbeats and the tears she shed for him.
'I'm fine, I just need a minute.' She manages to tell him, she is surprised her voice is strong and not breaking, not betraying how she feels inside.
'Take all the time you need.' She hears him walking away, back into his office she assumes. She can't help how she feels, she wants to grow past them, but how? Slowly she makes her way up, ready to get out of the gym and into the fresh air. When she turns around she sees he hasn't left her alone. He's standing in the dark against one of the far walls. His eyes focused solitary on her.
She tries to walk past him, but he takes her wrist and pulls her back softly. 'Payson.' His whisper is barely there, but she hears his plea anyway. She looks at his hand, encircling her wrist. The heat that flows through her body makes her heart speed up and she can't help but shiver.
'I keep waiting for you to see what you mean to me…' She whispers back eventually. '…and you keep waiting to save what we had before, but that is gone, forever. Things will never go back to the way they were. We will never be what we were and I will always blame myself for that. I am at a loss as to how to get past this. How long can we keep this up? Pretending nothing has happened, but in fact everything has shattered.'
He lets go of her hand and she's the hurt in her eyes. Moving in closer, she doesn't step back as he imagined she would. He swallows roughly and finally looks right into her eyes. The sparkle he used to see has disappeared and he's afraid it'll never come back. Without realizing it he brings up his hand to caress her cheek.
'I tried my best to never let you see the truth of to how I feel, I never opened up about my feelings because they should not exist. I never thought it would be you to hold my heart. But when you came into my life you knocked me off the ground. I don't think I ever really loved anyone until you put your arms around me, pulling me into that kiss. That doesn't however change a thing, for it's not how it's supposed to go.'
She looks at him, the walls she put up finally breaking down. He broke her and there is nothing he can do without jeopardizing everything they've worked for. After all they've been through it's a kiss that will ruin them.
'Sasha.' She whimpers desperately. She can she what he is thinking, as she has always been able to. 'Please don't walk away.' Tears are falling on the floor, her body is shaking and all he can do is take her in his arms. The same thing he wanted to do the minute their relationship changed. This doesn't change what he has to do though. He tries to remember everything about her. The way her voice sounds, how she smells, the way she feels pressed against him, the way she used to look at him, eyeing him through her eyelashes and the way she performed their dance, their love.
For he will leave her, tonight, and he will never look back. For she deserves the best, and that's never going to be him.
A/N 2: I don't really know where this came from, bit dramatic maybe, but it brought me to tears nonetheless. Anyway, hope you liked it, please R&R!
