Though they might not wish to be associated with this piece, my thanks to Ice, LD, and to my tireless researcher, Archaeobard

Disclaimer: The characters of Xena, Gabrielle, et the property of Renaissance Pictures and I should be heartily ashamed at how I treated them. But it was too much fun.

Warning: Drug use!!!! ...there is evidence for the ancient Greek use of marijuana in literary texts, but it was only in Israel that physical evidence was discovered dating to 1600BC, for use in childbirth. Herodotus wrote this about the Sythians' use of pot: "On a framework of tree sticks, meeting at the top, they stretch pieces of woolen cloth. Inside this tent they put a dish with hot stones on it. Then they take some hemp seed, creep into the tent, and throw the seed on the hot stones. At once it begins to smoke, giving off a vapour unsurpassed by any vapour bath one could find in Scythians enjoy it so much they howl with pleasure." Also, the Greeks used a term cannabeizein, which referred to the smoking of cannabis, usually inhaled as an incense and mixed with other resins...

Yes, the following story contains references to recreational drug use, alcohol abuse and obscene language. Oh, and let's not forget about two women in love. Something to offend everybody.

If the possibility that persons in history might have used drugs and or alcohol in a recreational manner disturbs you, then please read another story. Having written about the slaughter of a family from the perspective of the killer/father, I might ask why this might be offensive. My own experience of drug use is that it is incompatible with being a single parent. But if you need someone to attack, I'd wonder why my researcher is tireless...

Mail, as always, is gratefully received:

.

SEEDED

by Kamouraskan

Part One of Two

The Warrior was uncharacteristically nervous as she paced about the hallway. She stopped to examine her troops individually before addressing them. "Okay, this is how we're going to do this. Everything's set up in there?"

Autolycus nodded. The thief tried to maintain a business-like bearing.

"Okay, I'll be going in first. As soon as I finish, Gabrielle? You follow. Auto, you have the watch, you got that? Then you go. So, NO slip-ups. This is too important. " Xena opened the door cautiously, before turning to her partner for one last assurance. "Gabrielle, are you sure the Amazons are all in place?"

Gabrielle gave her a frustrated look. "YES! Everybody is in position. Anyone so much as approaches Amphipolis from any direction, we'll know four candlemarks before they get here. And that's if they're allowed to get through. Which they WON'T be."

"And the..."

"There are Amazon guards posted in and outside the tavern. Okay? Now GO!"

Taking a deep breath, Xena firmed her shoulders, and stepped into the room.

Auto and Gabrielle shook their heads and stared at each other.

Autolycus finally broke the silence. "You have to go through this every time she wants to get drunk?"

Gabrielle sighed. "It isn't something she does any more. At least, not after what happened the last time..."

"The last time...?"

Gabrielle shuddered. "Let's just leave it that she's a mean drunk."

"This is opposed to the milk-toast that she is regularly? Gee, Gabrielle. Why do I picture her waking up with a hangover and rating the night before by how many dead bodies there were?"

"Well, that's why we had you get the... stuff." Gabrielle whispered the last word, while checking to make sure no one could overhear.

"You mean, the seeds...?"

"SHHHHH!" Gabrielle nearly grabbed him to shut him up. She whispered, "If Cyrene finds out, she'd get really upset. We thought that it might help… mellow… Xena's... mood, so that she can enjoy a drink without the, ah, side effects.

"Side effects. Nice choice of words." the thief approved.

"Yeah, well, she needs to get the burden of protecting everybody and herself off of her shoulders, just once in a while, so..."

"So the answer to 'How many Amazons does it take to get a Warrior Princess drunk', is...?"

They were interrupted by the door opening.

Autolycus evaluated the warrior as she emerged. Other than a heavy smell of burnt leaves clinging to her, there was no outward sign of intoxication. She stared him down, and pointed to the door. "Gabrielle. You're next. I'm going down, you two follow separately. Remember, NO slip ups." She headed to the stairway before turning to the thief. "Autolycus?" He found himself standing straighter.

She held his eye for a moment, before saying, "Good stuff." He gave her a mock bow and she continued down the stairs. She got as far as the landing where the tavern was spread out in front of her, when a creaking board seemed to bring her to a halt. Auto watched in astonishment as a goofy smile spread across her features, and what could only be described as a giggle erupted.

Quickly dropping her mask back in place, she continued on down. The door behind him opened and Gabrielle came out, coughing. She covered her mouth with one hand, and rasped. "I don't feel anything?"

He smiled and said, "The good seeds can take a while to affect you. I think they got to Xena though."

Gabrielle's expression became concerned. "Why? How was she?"

"Nothing major, but she started to... giggle..."

"Giggle?" Gabrielle gave an unconscious illustration.

"Yeah , she got halfway down the stairs and she cracked up."

"Well, all the more reason for us to maintain control, right?" She saluted him, and indicated the door. "See you down there."

She had reached the same step as Xena, when her stoic expression crumbled, and she was staring at something the thief couldn't see. But as she tried to hold back her laughter, tears began to form at her eyes. While desperately covering her reaction with coughing, she nearly tumbled down the rest of the stairs.

Auto shook his head in disgust. 'Some people shouldn't do seeds,' he thought.

Now the King of Thieves entered the room. There was an oiled woolen tarp hung over the fire place and he lifted the tarp and closed the fireplace flume. Taking a generous handful of the seeds he tossed them onto the coals, and then began to inhale the smoke.

Moments later, he was brushing his hair after splashing his face with fresh water and completing his toilet. He stared at the slightly reddened eyes. "You handsome devil," he told his reflection. "This is going to be a night to remember. Certain females are VERY fortunate to have your assistance and experience." Satisfied with the world and his place in it, he made his way downstairs. He had just gotten to that certain step, when he discovered what had set off the two women ahead of him.

As the step creaked, every face in the tavern turned to stare up at him. This wasn't all though. As the people's faces swiveled in a nearly synchronized motion, they were accompanied by the three dogs, two cats and the sheep grazing outside the window. And what was worse, they all seemed to have the same expression.

Using his years of experience, Autolycus managed to control his features. So it was with a certain air of superiority that he strolled confidently to the rear table. Certainly, there was still an amount of attention being paid to him, but he took that to be a compliment to his striking dark looks. He smugly stood in front of his companions and inquired "So, how are you ladies doing?"

Gabrielle looked up and smirked, responding, "Better all the time, Auto."

Xena ran her palms down the planes of her face, joined them and ended with her nose resting on the tips of her fingers. She spoke through them. "Auto..."

"Yes, Xena," The thief swaggered slightly.

"Auto, your pants are open and your dick is hanging out."

* * *

"Now what?" The table had been stocked with mugs filled with Xena's favorite port, but Xena was getting restless.

Gabrielle looked at all of the liquor in front of her. "How about some of your old drinking games?"

Xena chuckled. "I don't think you'd like those, Gabrielle. We'd all like to be alive at the end of the evening, right? How about we just toss dinars?"

Slightly insulted, the bard knocked one of the mugs towards the warrior. "Oh right, like I'm going to take you on in a game requiring coordination."

Xena knocked the mug back, "How about Truth or Dare? Oh, that's right, you're not very good at it."

Gabrielle growled. Autolycus jumped in. "Instead of spending the entire evening going 'I dunno, what do you want to do, Martus?' How about every time anyone turns down a suggestion on what we should do this evening, they have to drink up?"

* * * *

Not much later, Autolycus was blearily eyeing his sixth mug of port. He was thinking, 'Why didn't I know they would be so...inventive?' He went back through the list of suggestions trying to choose. Then looked at his smiling and sloshed companions, and said: "Okay. Let's go with the pig snatching."

Xena shook her head to clear it. "You're serious?"

Autolycus thought twice, and belched. "Yup. As long as we all make another 'visit' to the room upstairs first."

Gabrielle and he looked to their commander.

Gabrielle added, "We're going to need to bring some… refreshment with us, so you should talk to your mom."

The Destroyer of Nations and the Lion of Amphipolis looked askance. Swallowed. "YOU talk to my Mom."

Gabrielle tried her most convincing tone. "Look Xena, we need to get something portable if we're going to reenact your childhood, here. Kidnapping the pig alone is going to require at least a wineskin apiece. Now, there's a whole wine cellar just a few steps away...."

"XENA!"

They all jumped slightly and looked up to see Cyrene, with crossed arms staring angrily down at them. They all tried to look as sober as possible.

With no success.

"You're both seeded, aren't you?" she accused.

They looked at each other in bewilderment.

"Did you think I could raise three children and run a tavern without recognizing THAT smell? Xena!" she repeated. "Look at you two!" ignoring Autolycus who feeling left out, waved and said "Hello?!"

"Shut up Auto," said all three women.

The thief quickly checked his trousers before objecting again. "Hello!"

Cyrene continued to disregard him. "And if you think that I'm going to let you wander through my winecellar, you have another think coming. If you're determined to drink, you can do it right here, where I can see you."

Gabrielle got up and gently took Cyrene's hand in hers. "Cyrene, we knew that you wouldn't approve. I think that's why we tried to hide it from you. But even Amazon Queen's and Warrior Princesses…" at the loud cough, she added, "and King's of Thieves… need a break sometime." She gave her Mother in Law a hug, and moved back to her seat. "I think, we'll just finish this up, and then maybe a sobering stroll might be best. Right, Xe'?"

Xena, straight faced, nodded contritely.

Mollified, Cyrene, stared at each of them before saying, "Well, I should hope so." and than she left.

Xena waited a few heartbeats before asking Gabrielle. "Did you manage get the key to the wineceller?"

Gabrielle surreptitiously pointed to that item in her hand. "Uh huh."

Autolycus was outraged. "Where's the fun in having the key?"

Xena gave him a comforting pat. "Don't worry. You get to put it back. Wait till Gabrielle tells you where it was."

The thief blanched. "Oy. Then I definitely recommend a visit upstairs."

The Destroyer of Nations rubbed her hands together. "Fine. Gabrielle goes first. Autolycus, you take the stairs, and keep watch till she's finished. I'll cover the stairs while you're up there. Gabrielle, when you get back, cover for us by telling some stories. Then I'll go and hit the winecellar before we meet outside.. Right?"

"Which stories?" Gabrielle slurred.

Xena didn't seem to notice. "You decide."

Gabrielle sighed blissfully. "How about the poignant tale of how two mismatched women found love and true friendship?"

Xena shrugged. "I guess. If you think that anyone will believe it."

Autolycus watched with concern as Gabrielle sauntered off. "Do you think that maybe she's had about enough?"

Xena stared appreciatively as the rear of her partner swayed away from her. "You wanna ask her? Go ahead. But do it from a distance. And make sure she's not armed."

Gabrielle had stopped to lean on a table on her way to the stairs. Xena was able to hear her over the crowd babble. "...ya see that woman sitting over there? She's the most DANgerous woman in the world. And she lets ME see her naked!"

The table's occupants shot Xena a exceptional look, and the warrior covered her eyes with her hand. "Maybe we could try to cut her off after this."

* * * *

So, it was once again smelling of burnt spices that Xena entered the wine cellar as stealthily as she had ever broken into any enemy headquarters. She did an assessment of her mental state and decided out loud, "I'm FINE." She carefully closed the door and began feeling about in the darkness for the flint that she knew was left for lighting the wall torch. She was proudly noting that she had managed to not knock over two wine racks when the door opened and Autolycus came in with a lit torch. She sighed with relief, and took the torch out of his hand. "This'll help," she informed him and continued to search for the flint to light the wall torch.

Then something occurred to her. "Why are you here? You're supposed to be looking after Gabrielle, and keeping an eye out for my Mother." She found the flint and then looked at the burning torch in her hand. She put the flint back down. "I'm FINE," she said to Autolycus.

The thief nodded. "Well, Gabrielle's really fine too. I can even see why you don't like to be there when she tells those stories. The question is, why do I have to be there?"

Xena stopped moving the ale keg. "She's supposed to be distracting everyone by describing the poignant tale of how two mismatched woman found love and true friendship. Right?"

Autolycus thought for a moment. "Well, when I left, she was describing how you guys shave your armpits together."

She threw the keg at him, knocking him against the wall. "Catch."

Autolycus pulled himself out from under the barrel, and stared at the heavy container. Then looked up at the casement window high above him. 'It's alcohol.' he thought. 'I CAN and MUST lift it...'

Upstairs, Xena burst into the tavern, and skidded to a stop. For once, not a single pair of eyes turned to her, as all were glued to the bard on stage.

Gabrielle, had her eyes blissfully closed, and her tongue caressed her lips ever so sensuously. She tasted the word carefully.

"Niiiiiiiippppple."

Xena had once made an identical leap to push Gabrielle out of the way of a runaway chariot, with much the same motives.

To Be Concluded in part 2