The thing about love is you can't control it. You can't decide with who or when you fall. You can fall and believe that the other person feels the same way. People can use your feelings against you. You can mistake liking someone for love or believe its love when you have no other options. The truth is love sucks, you feel indestructible when in it and dying when it ends.

Some people believe in love in a moment or a lifetime. Some believe love doesn't really exist that its all hormones and lust.

I believed in love, I believed in the one. I was wrong. If you love someone you don't need anyone else. You should work together even if you have problems. You don't tell someone you miss them and love them only to in a matter of a couple of hours tell them you slept with some one else. You don't expect a person you just forgive and forget. You don't expect them to not break. You should never expect them to want to listen to the details of your betrayal. You can't send flowers and expect them to make it okay.

He tries to wear me down and I cave, climbing into bed with him in a moment of weakness fuelled by nostalgia. He thinks he's on his way to getting me back, a smug little smile as I tell him it doesn't mean we're back together.

I try to move on but its not the same. I can't make a connection to him. He understands my want to move on and he tries to make new memories with me. It ends with a lot of sorrow, tears and promises of staying friends. For awhile it works, we are friends but then I cave and agree to take back the ex. He's angry as I try to explain. He doesn't believe the ex loves me and calls me a fool. I can't tell him I agree because then I'd have to admit our love has always been one sided and I'll take what he gives till he breaks my heart again.

But the heartbreak I fear doesn't come and we move forward with our lives. I work hard and study my craft even harder and I excel. I make changes and other people comment on them. He gets angry with me for becoming interdependent from him. He wants things back to the way they were when we first met. I stand there and realize how he saw me, weak and incapable of taking care of myself. He doesn't want an equal partner, he wants someone in awe of him and his talent.

He's scared he'll lose me. He needs what I give him and for the first time I'm certain he doesn't love, never has and never will. You can't love someone you think your better than and he only needs me to make him feel better about himself.

I am a fool because now I know I don't love him either. We found each other at a time of need and I misinterpreted gratitude for love. I had spent me life being bullied and told I wasn't good enough or wrong for being who I am, so when he came into my life and told me he was there for me I held on.

When he cheated I blamed myself instead of seeing him for the attention seeking child he is. I don't hate him because we are both to blame for the mess that is us. I don't know what love is or what it should feel like so how do I find it? Will I find it?