I don't own Naruto.

Nijiko Uzumaki's Guide to the Kumo Ninja

(Every Leaf Ninja from Naruto to Konohamaru was seated in a classroom of the Ninja Academy, chatting away quietly. The Sand siblings as well. None of them had any idea why they were here.)

(For some bizarre reason Akira, Shitumi, Dimitri, Akito, Aramaki, Motoko, Katchin, Annistov, Akizakura, Yuki, Azakura and Curai were also there, even though they were seated in the far back row.)

(Voice over an intercom) All right. The reason you are all here is because we are forcing Nijiko to give you all a lesson on Kumo and the Kumo Ninja. Carry on.

(Nijiko stands at the front of the room and groans) Okay, then, let's get this over with, shall we? Apparently I have to do this in Alphabetical order, so I'm going to be starting with my team: Akira, Dimitri and Shitumi.

(Voice on intercom) Hey! That's NOT Alphabetical order!

(Nijiko glares at the mechanical nuisance) I said their names in Alphabetical order, didn't I?!

(Intercom) Fine! But hurry up!

(Akizakura) Hold it!!

(Nijiko) What?

(Akizakura stands up) Why should we do this in Alphabetical order? Lord Aramaki, Lord Katchin and I are the most important! We should go first!

(Katchin) She's got a point.

(Aramaki) …

(Nijiko) Nobody cares what an old rat wants. I'm in charge of this so sit down and shut up you old snob.

(Akizakura) -nearly faints- How dare you! My Lord, I insist that you-

(Nijiko) Must you always whine to Master Aramaki?

(Akizakura faints)

(Aramaki) … Please continue, Nijiko-chan.

(Nijiko) Yes, sir. All right, if there are no more interruptions-

(Akira) –stands on table and belches loudly- (sings-- really badly) We drink and drink and drink and drink and then we'll drink some more-

(Nijiko) He's drunk again, isn't he?

(Shitumi) Yes.

(Dimitri) Obviously.

(Shitumi drags Akira onto the floor) Now you can carry on.

(Nijiko) Akira… well his physical features are kind of obvious… his Ninjutsu consists of only one waterfall Ninjutsu that cannot be used more than twice due to it's siphoning of chakra. His Genjutsu abilities are excellent and he has already exceeded more than two thirds of Kumo's Jonin-ranked ninja in that field. His targeting is pretty good and he sucks at Taijutsu. Period.

(Lee jumps onto table and does the nice guy pose) Akira my friend! Lousy Taijutsu?! That is simply not in the spirit of youth! I must teach you!

(Guy copies Lee) Hoo-ha! That's my student! You make me proud with your display of youth!

(Lee)-sniffle-Guy-s-sensei!

(Guy) –sob- Lee!

(Both bawl their eyes out and hug)

(Nijiko) For cripes sake! Will everyone kindly stop jumping on the desks and flooding the room with their tears and boring us all half to death with their talk of youth?! Now sit!

(Lee and Guy in unison) Youth?! Boring?!

(Nijiko) Sit!!

(Guy and Lee sit down sulking)

(Nijiko) Thank you. Akira's Family: He is an only child, no aunts, uncles or grandparents to speak of. His mother was never a ninja, but his father was and is now retired. His father is also famous for an occasion where he managed to drink a cocktail of three of the strongest alcohol substances there are and being able to sing the whole Irish drinking song two and a half times before passing out.

(Akira tears up) I'm so proud to be his son. One day I hope to succeed him and sing the whole song four times before passing out under the same circumstances. One day, I will achieve my goal!

(Nijiko) … That's wonderful, Akira.

(Akira brightens) Why wait? Why don't I do it right now?!

(Guy) How youthful!!

(Lee) Fill the halls with your enchanting voice Akira!!

(Nijiko) NO!!

(Akira bawls his eyes out) Oh thank you both!!

(Akira, Guy and Lee rush into a three-way hug)

(Nijiko) Will you quit that already?!

(Dimitri) Oh, leave them alone, Nijiko… they're just freaks… like me. (1)

(Kakashi picks Akira up and hands him to Shitumi before resuming his reading of his book.)

(Tenten pulled Guy back to his seat before being yanked into a hug she really didn't want.)

Try to hug me and I will kill you. (Neji threatened as he dragged a tearful Lee back to his seat.)

(Nijiko clears her throat) Moving on… Shitumi: again physical features obvious-

(Kiba stares at Shitumi) You don't have to tell me!

(Shitumi blushes)

(Hinata cries)

(Gaara) Why you--! (Tackles Kiba)

(Kiba) Aaaaaaaarrrrrgh! I was just telling the truth! Aaaaaaah!

(Shitumi and Temari in unison) Gaara! Stop!

(Hinata screams)

(Naruto) Fight! Fight! Fight!

(Kankuro) Go, Gaara! Kick his butt! That's my little brother!

(Bolt of Lightning nocks Kiba and Gaara apart)

(Nijiko) The next person who interrupts gets an 8000 voltage!! Got it?!

(Everyone quietly sits back down)

(Naruto hides under desk)

(Sasuke chuckles)

(Nijiko sighs) … I thought so. Ok, Shitumi… she uses Earth Style Ninjutsu, which she is enormously talented at…

(Kiba opens his mouth)

(Nijiko and Gaara gaze at him with promises of painful murder in their eyes)

(Kiba shuts his mouth)

(Nijiko continues) Her Genjutsu and Taijutsu abilities are unknown…Her family members are Dimitri, who is her brother, seven years her senior, he raised her. Parents are unknown. The only thing that is known is that they are the ones who put the Four-Tailed demon Hawk within her body in an effort to make a living weapon. (2)

(Naruto) The what?

(Dimitri) Oh, come on, Blondie! If you don't know by now there is absolutely no hope for you. (Shakes his head).

(Kumo nins begin to laugh until a loud crackling sound interrupts them)

(Curai) What in the world is-?

(Collective gulp)

(Nijiko) I WARNED YOU!!

(All the Ninja's run in fear as Nijiko goes on her rampage.)

A/N: This was my first try at writing in this style… please review, good or bad… as long as it helps. I will finish this fic later! Don't worry about it! Nijiko won't really kill them…right?

(1) This was said by the Joker in The Dark Night.

(2) Nobody knows what the Four-Tailed biju is… it's called "Artistic Licence".

REVIEW, PLEASE!!