AUTHOR'S NOTES: I would like to make a few acknowledgements. First off, a thank you to my friends who pushed me to begin posting this. Secondly, I would like to point out that the name "U. N. Owen" was shamelessly stolen from Touhou, who shamelessly stole it from And Then There Were None by Agatha Christie.
If one were to look at Sollux Captor just two years ago, nobody would've expected the path he would take. They would have seen a gaunt, topaz-eyed 21 year old nearly through a Computer Science major at the University of New York. They would have seen a young man who, beyond the occasional battle with bipolar irritability, was generally kind, if a bit snide. Nobody could have possibly suspected him of doing anything illegal. Surely his morals would never allow him to even try anything of that sort. But that was where they would be wrong.
It was the second semester of his sophomore year. By that time, Sollux had started a rather successful business. If his fellow students were dissatisfied with their grades, he would— for a price, of course— access the university's grading system and make a few alterations to better reflect how the student viewed their efforts. That soon branched out into other schools through online forums. The best part was that there were no moral implications. He could always choose not to accept a job, and when he did it, he would never change anything past a few letter grades. While it technically wasn't legal, there was never a written law against it, and that was how Sollux slept at night. Soon, enough, however, he would be given an offer that would change everything.
Sollux awoke to the familiar ping of a notification from his laptop. His douchebag of a roommate was undoubtedly still at his "study session" with his latest squeeze, leaving the hacker on his own. Who would want my help at... Jesus. At 1:00 am? He pondered as he picked up his laptop. Strangely enough, the username wasn't one of the people on the forums. At least, not one that he recognized. Nonetheless, this "turntechGodhead" was a potential customer and was to be treated as such.
TA: before you a2k any que2tiion2, it'2 200 for each grade, and an extra 100 iif your school ii2 iivy-league.
TG: you really have a thing for the number two dont you captor?
TG: so youre only charging 200 for each job?
TG: man you need this more than i thought
Sollux's teeth pressed to his lower lip. He only ever gave out his Pesterchum handle; never his real name. So there two possibilities: either he told someone accidentally, or somebody had found him out. Either outcome warranted the breration he mentally gave himself. Sound calm. They probably don't even have proof.
TA: the quiirk 2uiit2 me.
TA: what do you want anyway?
TG: a pony and a million bucks
TA: ii meant from me, diip2hiit.
TG: no shit you meant from you
TG: its all about you isnt it?
TG: damn youre a selfish motherfucker
TA: ii'm leaviing.
TG: hey calm your tits captor
TG: by the way youre not burnt and you didnt tell me your name
TG: i just know people
TG: so heres the deal
TG: the guy i work for is looking for people with certain skills
TG: and guess who caught his eye?
TA: ii thiink ii can fiigure iit out.
TA: keep talkiing.
TA: or typiing ii gue22.
TG: im gonna cut to the chase
TG: anybody with the skills get into the oxford university grading system from off campus and the smarts to not do it for free is pretty damn good
TG: but we need to know how good
TA: 2o what exactly doe2 that warrant?
TA: you want me two change your crediit 2core or somethiing?
TG: i want you to get into a bank account and steal at least 5000 dollars
Sollux had to read the sentence several times before his brain would fully register it, and even then it was insane. This random guy on the internet just demanded that he steal from someone, and a relatively large amount at that! His fingers flew over the keys, hammering out his ever so scathing reply.
TA: wow fuck that.
TG: whats the difference between that and what youre doing now?
TA: changiing grade2 for college 2tudent2 ii2nt iillegal la2t ii checked.
TG: bullshit
TG: you and i both know if anybody could catch you then youd be busted for fraud and then youd be using that brain of yours to think of a way to pick up the soap without bending over
TG: tell yourself whatever you want man
TG: but youre just as bad as we are
TA: who ii2 we?
TG: its account 153867 at the royal bank of scotland
TG: just let me know when you want to start
TG: youll have a week from then to get the money put it in an account and give us access to it
TG: later
-turntechGodhead ceased pestering twinArmageddons-
For several minutes, Sollux just stared at his computer screen; his eyes were focused on the account number. Obviously he would think about it. It would be stupid of him not to. So this TG person was giving him some sort of job offer, and this was to be his application. But to steal from someone's account electronically? Sollux liked to think he was above such morally bankrupt practices. Still, his humanity tugged at his virtues, attempting to uncover the greed hidden beneath. 5000 dollars may not be missed if it's a large enough account. He would check. There was no harm in looking, right? He would just look the next day.
After class, Sollux nearly sprinted back to his dorm and opened his laptop. He opened the customer page for the Royal Bank of Scotland and searched for the account number. The account itself was easy enough to access. The owner was dumb enough to link his physical account with his online one, making it a simple matter of getting through the login. It was slightly more difficult than college student profiles, but it was more stimulating if anything. Sollux gave a celebratory pump of his fist as his screen changed from black with green text to the bank website's blue, purple, and white, displaying the phrase "Welcome Mr. Owen." Just below the name of a certain Upton Nathaniel Owen was a small loading symbol. Sollux watched with some excitement as the grey circle spun. It eventually turned into a series of numbers, enough numbers to draw an audible "wow" from the hacker. The account contained exactly $413,612, which would certainly be enough for only a few thousand dollars to go unnoticed. As for the moral implications... well he knew subconsciously that what he did was wrong. Really the only way he got away with it was because he managed to convince himself that it was alright. If he was to grow as a person, he would have to choose path and acknowledge the morality of would never come to understand why, but he would do it.
He closed his browser and opened his Pesterchum to contact TG again. He would be doing this before he could think of all the reasons he shouldn't.
-twinArmageddons began pestering turntechGodhead-
TA: ii'm iin.
TA: ii'll do iit.
TG: i know
TG: one week captor
TG: you get caught and its on you
-turntechGodhead ceased pestering twinArmageddons-
Sollux reopened his bowser and cracked his knuckles. He had quite a bit of work to do, and he'd be damned if he wasn't going to do it now.
Getting the money itself was the easy part. The more difficult part was ensuring that nobody could catch Sollux or have any proof that he was in any way related to this theft. He used every proxy he could find, to the point where his connection was being bounced through no less than twenty different proxies. That was for step one. Step two would happen at the same time. He had to open a series of accounts at different banks, then deposit the money in small increments over the course of five days. He would take an extra thousand dollars to supplement the opening of the new accounts. On his final day, he would place all the balances into a final secure account. It was like laundering digital cash and, much to his surprise and mild worry, it was fun. The thrill of breaking into somewhere that others couldn't was only boosted by the satisfaction of his significantly raised account balance. Now it was Sunday, and he would need to check in.
-twinArmageddons began pestering turntechGodhead-
TA: ii'm done.
TA: the money ii2 iin my account and there'2 no 2ub2tantiial eviidence two lead anyone back two me.
TA: ...
TA: hello?
-turntechGodhead blocked twinArmageddons-
TA: what the FUCK?
